had an ok day which for me right now is good

Hi everyone,

So today after all the ups and downs of the past two weeks I had a decent productive day. I wasn’t that depressed considering. I was upset when I went back and forth with my friend at Friedman who went a couple days ago from saying how I wouldn’t have really any staff support over there and would have to do everything n myself in terms of monitoring my mental illness, to saying that might not be the case and maybe they were more receptive, to saying that he has no idea and to ask questions.

I got a similar contradictory reaction from Edith. When I was off the wall confident and convinced I’d do fine there no matter what, she was worried I couldn’t make it at all right now. Now that it’s become clear to me that due to the environment it wouldn’t be a good place for me to live (at least for the forseeable future) her position is that when it’s time for my application to come up I’ll have gotten well enough in two years to where I could live in such an environment with no internal supports (internal as in where I’m living.) I was shocked at this. When I go one way she goes another. And this isn’t a normal pattern of hers. So I called her on it. She backpedaled saying she wanted what I wanted in life. I was like yeah I do too, all I want is to be at friedman with the support that would help me continue to do well. But I’m not stupid enough to put myself in a bad position when the facts point to that I would be. I’ve dealt with living somewhere with no day to day support and just having weekly therapy sessions and I haven’t been able to maintain that. I always felt I needed more support than that since leaving college. And that was when my symptoms weren’t as bad as they are. I’m so frustrated with arguing with people. For now I’m just gonna leave it and keep an eye on how things go over there. But I doubt things will change considering the dynamics of the administration and their lack of knowledge/ urgency about caring for people with mental illness. It just doesn’t seem to at all be a priority on their radar which is so sad to me.

Just for the hell of it I applied to the Mary Bryantt home today. It’s the second of the two places for the blind in the country. Much smaller. Of course we saw on the application that they don’t accept anyone with a psychiatric diagnosis. Something unique about them is you can have a sighted person live there too like a sister or something. Jess and I wanted to see if we’d qualify but clearly not.

Edith did agree to help me look into other residential options through organizations like thresholds (that whole place I’ve only heard bad things about so I’d actually like to hear one good thing) or the Anixter center. I also plan tomorrow to make myself call a couple of other similar places to here that are smaller and just see what they have to say. Just to see. If I hadn’t been so paralyzed by let’s see, umm not wanting to even live at the time I moved here, I would have been able to tour other facilities. Granted the blind misunderstandings probably would have been the same and I’m grateful I did end up here. But still I’m very curious about different places since there are so many of them.

Anyway so yeah. Have had a pretty good day. Finished listening to an audio book and started another one. Have been doing online stuff. Tomorrow will see Jonathan for a session. I haven’t wanted to see him while I have been on this crazy rollercoaster the past couple weeks. I didn’t want him influenceing me one way or another. I just didn’t want to hear it. He has a way of poking around in your mind and bringing up feelings you never thought you’d have in a situation I just didn’t need or want that. But now that the wanting to go to Friedman story has basically ended, at least for now, well might as well get back to regular life. He also needs to fix my speakers on my computer which after about fifteen minutes stop producing sound and you can only hear it through headphones. Anyway I feel good about today. After a lot of ups and downs it’s nice to have a good solid stable day.

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