So Friday I wrote a very long post about last week and my totally up and down moods and issues with Jonathan my therapist.
I neglected to mention because I thought nothing would come of it my earlier research that day. While trying to distract myself from the usual incredibly overwhelming feelings of not knowing whether I’d see him that day, I was on psychology today. I love psychology today! I think I’ve gotten almost all my therapists from there except my voice movement therapist who really should also be on there.
I love just looking at all different profiles and seeing what people have to say about their therapy and how they work with clients. When I was thinking of actually being a therapist I often wondered what I’d say in my profile. I wondered what Jonathan would say in his too since obviously he’s not on there working at a facility as he does. I could probably write it for him LOL!
Anyway so I was looking at profiles. Thinking about the possibility of needing to see another therapist if the Jonathan situation really goes nowhere, gets worse ETC. It’s a very very hard situation. I guess individual practitioners can’t take Medicaid which is why you can only get therapy at community mental health centers. There are a few psychologists that come into Albany but they of course only take medicare.
There are what I cfonsider three or four mental health centers in the city, big ones. One that I really liked, trilogy, is closed to new clients. C4 barely escaped shutting down, and basically isn’t taking anyone except county care people. County care from what I understand is like a step below Medicaid if you can even imagine that.
Thresholds I’ve heard nothing good about though I’d like to since obviously it’s a huge place and well utilized. Turning point I know the therapists there and they don’t deal with a lot of different issues that you’d think they would like self harm eating disorderes ETC.
So yeah those options are basically gone. Edith and I discussed that if I do stop therapy with Jonathan that since I see her practically everyday for up to forty minutes it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Which I gues is true. However she’s not a therapist, she’s a caseworker. And she’s not Jonathan. He has such a unique perspective on everything that I always feel is so important to my healing. But I see her point.
Anyway not really thinking much about it more doing it out of zoning out there and wanting something to occupy my mind I did actually find a few different profiles that caught my attention. And I wrote the therapists. I explained my situation, my total lack of money where I’m living, that I had been doing therapy with the clinical director but he no longer could do this. Which made me sad to write because it brought home that this actually may be the case. I said I could only pay $5/10 a session.
I figured no one would respond or if they did they’d say a polite sorry. Friday night I did get a response! It was from Melissa Sanches a dance therapist. She said yes she’d be willing to take me! Her profile caught my attention because she uses trauma therapy which is what I’d need, attachment theory and dance therapy. I love all expressive arts therapy. I had when coming to Chicago connected with an amazing dance therapist named Gina Demos. She was so taken with me that she saw me for free once a month in her downtown studio which was in this really cool arts building. Anyway she was just the most amazing woman ever. 75 years old and probably as energetic as a twenty year old. Anyway since working with her I really wanted to work with another expressive arts therapist but was pretty sure this wouldn’t be possible due to again money and the fact that they don’t accept Medicaid.
So I was pretty stunned that Melissa said yes. Gave me times and days and everything! Wanted to meet this coming week! Having not thought anything would come of this now that I had the actual offer I had such mixed feelings. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do this. A part ofme felt like just backing off and saying forget it. At the time she’d given me this incredible gift of being able to work with her for such a low fee. Normally the only place you can get therapy for such a low fee is with an intern. Which was a viable option and one I’d be willing to explore again if this hadn’t come up.
I also felt a ton of mixed feelings around this and how it related to my therapy with Jonathan. I felt like just even going once would be like breaking my loyalty to him or something making a statement at least to myself that I was moving on. Which was overwhelming. Never mind all the feelings around previously up to that point having felt like I’d never have to get an outside therapist and that he was the perfect therapist for me in spite of issues we’ve had to overcome. Then the thought of having to start a brand new therapy relationship I think is the most difficult part. I know I’m a difficult client. I require a fine balance of input from the therapist to feel secure. If they challenge/ push too hard it makes me withdraw/ is too anxiety provoking. If I don’t feel they’re engaged enough I also don’t open up. I’m super intelligent/ insightful (so I’ve been told LOL) on the one hand, and then can be irrational and intensely emotional on the other. I demand a high level of connection over the long term to feel secure and do a fair share of various testing of this. Edith said that she has two really difficult residents and I’m one of them.
So yeah the idea of starting all that, knowing this and wondering how she’d react was also a lot. Then again there’s the positive perspective. I won’t have to forever be wondering if we’ll actually meet at our scheduled time. And having to work so hard to set that up. Having to be ok with his constant changes in schedule and as is the case lately, just plain not getting back to me.
My friends have all been incredibly supportive hearing my back and forth constantly talking about all this. They recommend I see Melissa for one session to see what she has to offer and take it from there. At the same time try and have a meeting with Jonathan to attempt to straighten things out. Ask about the withdrawing on his part and express my feelings on that as well as attempt to figure out his new role in my life. As in perhaps I could see him ocassionally but having the therapist consistently every week would take the pressure off him and the anxiety away around needing him so much and not having other supports than Edith. I’m sure he’ll still be willing to help me with things like my computer and stuff because he’s that helpful and supportive and caring to every client. I talked with my mom, who at times I have issues with as you’ve read in my posts. In this case even she is extremely supportive. She’s had a conversation with him where he said he was busy yet talked with her for an hour! And of course there have been times when he’s been busy yet has met with me or Jess for two or three hours! So I think he really goes to extremes, doesn’t have a ggood sense of time/ organization and most importantly has a hard time saying no and admitting what he can’t do. Like he wants to help everyone and not let people down yet he’s letting people down big time in this way.
So yeah big changes in my life that I never expected would happen. I have again gotten so much support from friends. One telling me about a similar experience with a very supportive person in her life being so there for her and then withdrawing as she moved on to other connections. And how that may be the case here and that’s ok even though it hurts a lot. So yeah. I’m sure the next week will be overwhelming as every week seems to be lately! But I know I’ll have support from friends family Edith and maybe even other staff. Please comment if you’ve had similar experiences with therapists or similar situations.