So today has been a good day for me. I think everything from over the weekend caught up with me. As I was super exhausted anxious and emotional. By lunchtime when the chaos of the cafeteria became overwhelming I decided to skip out on the Walmart trip and have Jess go for us. She’s done this many times as I often find the van crowded and being with certain loud residents for even a little while wears on my nerves not to mention the crowded store.
I slept til two. I think I needed it. I know I really just needed the rest as finally Jess seems to be in a more stable place I don’t have to be as on guard about her emotional state and worrying about her having to be hospitalized.
It was so exciting to see Edith again!! I have incredibly missed her. We had our usual long talk just so nice to sit with her and be relaxed in her calm informal demeanor. She listened to everything that went on. She said as she always does in a joking way, that now I have a new PRC to hate. There were several staff on the caseworker department that I did not like at all when I first moved here and would refuse to talk to. I’d rather be quietly in crisis then getting their unsupportive would make things worse help. They either loved paperwork more than working with us, or just didn’t know how to work with us or were just wicked off. This one guy lance still works here, I don’t like him just because he’s way too silent. Like hardly says a word what in the world would he do in a crisis? He must have very low need clients. Anyway these other ones were worse. So anyway they left. So for a couple months I haven’t had any PRCS I don’t like. So I guess it’s refreshing to hate one. I do sympathize with Kari’s position and having to follow protocol. For example as crazy as it sounds those DVDS will be continually taken away in room search after room search. Because a PRC who’s making sense of the situation and not just purely following the rules will let me have them, even Jonathan oked this, but a more strict by the rules person will take them away. Same with my shell. So anyway. I get that but she is kinda bitchy and I don’t trust her. So yeah.
We talked a lot about the Jess situation. I was able to talk for the first time during this whole thing about how I felt responsible for the fact that she didn’t go to staff earlier Friday. She said it was a normal feeling but that it isn’t my responsibility to take care of her. She said how we’re two different people and I don’t have to take care of her, to nurture her in the way she does with me but I support her in my own ways. Which is hard to believe. I just want to do the right thing by her, and make it a safe space for her to try and express what’s going on as I know that’s like almost impossibly hard for her. Trying to stay calm and not freak out, not anautomatic at all response really wore on me especially as Monday and Tuesday came around because it’s more natural for me to freak out when someone is in a bad situation at least crying and being anxious. Which I did a little, I had to be it was probably like one percent of normal. Keeping all that in was so hard. By Monday night I was at the point of wanting to scratch to release everything built up since I didn’t feel any of the staff members could really hear/ validate what’s going on for me and anything well meaning but not appropriate for what I’m going through would just make things worse. And to in a spiteful way prove that I’m not doing well when they were all saying how well I was deoing without addressing or even noticing the internal turmoil which is always present in some way or another despite what’s on the surface. Edith knows this. And it was great to have that conversation where she could say I did do well in spite of what happened internally. And that for me to feel like cutting and then have another process interfere with that (I.E realizing the consequences wouldn’t be worth it) is such a good sign and is the norm lately.
I am not going to Masonic because trying to figure my way to the outpatient behavioral health area just sounds overwhelming never mind trying to figure out where transportation is. Thresholds will have a person coming out near the end of October. And they do individual therapy. A therapist not this person. She’s from intake. I think it’s awesome she can come visit me here and I don’t have to go anywhere. I’m hoping they do general supportive psychotherapy/ DBT and not CBT because I can’t handle that. If not I still have trilogy to try and get back into as they may be allowing new clients at that time. So I’m happy with this.
It’s been good to just relax and zone out. I have some Casey Watson books, thank you bookshare! For filling my requests! To read on my braillenote plus audio books. I’m spending time looking up residential mental health care for a friend in California. That I’ll talk about in another post.
The activities for Jess and I next week will include venturing out to an evening activity, our first! To an interplay meetup session. Interplay involves creative movement, voice work and storytelling. I’ll post general info as the date gets closer and a full review after the event. Feels good though a little anxiety about just deciding to go out in spite of this messing with the night routine. Sometimes you just have to do stuff. I’m hoping this will connect me and Jess with others out of the facility in a completely new way than we’re used to.
And we’re hoping to Tour Belmont next Thursday which I’ll also of course review.
Jess says she’s ready to come back down here to stay. As long as she thinks she’s really ready I’m ready. I’m hoping this will help her realize the importance of going to staff. Unfortunately our psychiatrist Dr. Fyazz is on vacation til the 28th. The person who is covering is Dr. Dezon, the nightmare psychiatrist who ironically heads up the group that comes here. He hospitalizes at the snap of your fingers, often when caseworkers are strongly against it or without their knowledge! He also changes meds in that manner. I hated working with him. Edith says about the only group of people he’s good with are extremely psychotic patients. He somehow gets them on a ggood path to recovery and is awesome about it. Anyone else no! So if either of us are in crisis we’re telling our caseworkers and they know this to please not call Dezon. Because we would be in the terrible useless unit at st. Mary’s for a week for no reason!
So we’ll hopefully stay out of trouble tril then. I think we will. It’s rare for either of us to have two crisis episodes right in a row like Jess did. I’m so happy she’s on solid gground now and if things are good tomorrow and staff agree she’ll hopefully be back in our room full time tomorrow!