got knocked on my ass by my illness this week

So to follow up on the very short blog post I managed to type on Tuesday this week has been horrible.

This is the first time in a long time where my mental illness/ and associated physical issues due to anxiety hormones or whatever has stopped me from doing something I really wanted to do.

The good news I guess is I think I sorted out the chain of events and where things went wrong but the biggest issue for me is the brain zaps and I can’t get a handle on that.

Anyway Monday was such a up and down day mostly down. I felt refreshed in the morning when I usually take my nap til about ten. Which is past time to actually take a nap. Edith came by and said we’d meet at one and so I figured I’d nap then. She didn’t come til three due to the life of a PRC with thirty clients plus whoever is in need. I was fine with it but it screwed up my nap time. Which she did feel really bad about actually.

Then there was this stupid thing. Jess was down talking to this staff who handles making apointments and things getting some documents for school. I’m past due for the dentist so asked again when I could go. Their go to dentist refuses to work with Albany anymore long story, so they’re finding new people. This one place ironically called Albany park, is booked til February. She offhandedly mentioned about this dentist that comes here you know one of those traveling operations and they’d be here Wednesday. So I signed up.

I assumed they’d be doing the cleaning and everything then. So about ten minutes later due to I guess stress and who knows what I was freaking about whether this place was even legit that they didn’t have my records I should have just waited and gone to the other dentist and everything. Edith straightened it out. Apparently it would take a month to get the paperwork in to see the guy anyway which is the same time it would take to get scheduled to go to Albany park, to a dentist that I went to at friedman and am comfortable with which is huge.

But at least for me when my anxiety gets into high gear there is no undo button or stop or anything on a purely physical side. I can think all the thoughts I want about how this isn’t rational and whatever and evedn emotionally calm dow. But I could still physically be off with upset stomach or other things. Well for whatever reason I got brain zaps.

You know, well some don’t. A common though not for everyone side effect of some psych meds are brain zaps. Like when you rub your feet across the rug and touch something metal. You get that electric shock feeling. Well imagine that in your head, face arms or legs. Or even your tongue if I stick the tip of my tongue out to my lips when one is happening it’ll zap there. They have a buzzing sound too and usually come three at a time. Stop. Three more stop. Though I don’t have an warning. Each one lasts a second or so. Once they get started they usually don’t go away. Like that one day months back when I was a half hour off on the efexor and I had them for four days.

I’ve found since then that I can get them when I’m feeling sick/ cold/ stomach upset as well as stressed.

Some of these were very strong to the point they made me dizzy and feel like I was gonna pass out. I was obviously extremely emotional.

Jess thought a good night’s sleep would reset things and I was hopefully too. No such luck. In spite of a morning nap I was still zapping unsettled stomach and crying much of the time. By lunchtime I knew there was no way I could go that night. This wouldn’t stop out of nowhere I knew that. Jess basically made the calls for me because I was too depressed.

I have been looking forward to this orientation since December. Been planning and planning. And stressing too I guess. About the interview and whether they’ll be able/ want to accomidate things around my blindness and just the big deal of doing something outside the building unrelated to mental healthcare and being in the real world basically and the implications of that.

For it all to just blow up and change in a second killed me. That I had no control over it.

I’ve had these moments before obviously. My breakdown was a perfect example of waking up one day with everything going fine and then physically/ emotionally being knocked into a black hole that changed everything for like ever in a lot of ways.

I think I could have pulled it together emotionally if I didn’t have the brain zaps. Those were just intolerable. I couldn’t sit up for very long at all. All my muscles felt weak and akey. It was too hard to type. Sometimes I just couldn’t think and like I said sometimes I just got so dizzy.

This is really scary. Edith was so sad for me you could tell. She said she’d never seen me look so bad, and she’s seen plenty of states of me being bad.

We were talking about how the medical community basically doesn’t have anything scientific to go on about the zaps so it’s just patients saying things about it, all very similar presentations so I don’t know why science hasn’t caught up to finding a cause to a particular set of symptoms since isn’t that what doctors do?

Anyway she was saying if I was sent to the hospital it would be for medical even though the side effect was from my psych meds, and they’d just do scans to rule out some tragic brain tumor that’s not there, otherwise they’d come out fine because I guess this can’t be measured that way. And anyway if I was hospitalized for psych, which makes more sense in general because again medical doctors don’t really know much about psych meds, I really really do not need my meds lowered. Lowering meds is not good for this girl and I’ve been really stable on them.

Which is why being knocked on my ass literally that’s what it felt like kills me. Because I have been doing so well and this came out of nowhere.

Another factor I think is my period. Hormones going crazy could have increased everything. Thinking about it it’s only been six months since my period came back after it’s six month trip to wherever so things are probably still resetting. I love playing doctor since I hate my doctor LOL!

So the moral of the story is we need to figure out these zaps and doctors need to take it seriously. And I need my nap everyday!

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