I *think I’m ok today

So I don’t want to speak too loud but I think I’m ok today.

After something like this week where the rug gets pulled from under you while you’re strolling out the door you can never be sure.

Got up had my nap. No upset stomach yay! Yesterday was horrible you don’t want to know!

No zaps! Another huge yay! Have energy and am focused. Back to my constantly on the computer able to type self.

But I’m not jumping for joy yet or relaxing into being back to normal. Because I’m still not sure things won’t crash again. Just putting one foot in front of the other trying to enjoy the calmness and normalcy physically and emotionally but not feeling solid in it because the past days have been like a hurricane. This is like the rain has stopped but umm is it really over?

One of my causes for anxiety, justifiably as someone with chronic mental illness, is going “out into the real world” (not the insulated everyone totally gets it if you have a meltdown home I’m in) and basically having a meltdown out there. And being treated like people often treat someone who does that. The anxiety was in the back of my mind since to be fair to my illness I’d been doing very well lately. And was actually eager about the getting out of the building and connecting with people part. I was actually more concerned about the organization being ok with my blindness and things like being willing to e-mail training materials and practical things.

Now that I was hit over the head with the fact that yes I have a chronic illness. And yes as a friend with chronic pain put it things can change literally at the last second. Now my anxiety about something happening out of nowhere at a place where actually I’m supposed to be helping others is much higher up on the scale.

And I suppose there’s nothing to do but go for it. Because that possibility will always be there. I do still want to volunteer even though particularly the training will be demanding.

They have two nine to five training sessions. For someone who *needs a nap everyday this will be quite a challenge. Plus evening sessions. Once I get a standard shift things will be better of course except if I have an issue as in this week while there or traveling.

The sleeping thing needs to be fixed and I don’t know how. I sleep well at night even with two naps a day. Especially this week I really needed the rest. Plus Tuesday I had two PRNS of Ativan in me plus my night dose. I woke up Wednesday and thought I was in the hospital LOL!

But if I don’t have a nap and something sets me off it can snowball. Then again there were the days I went to program where like it or not I did stay up all day. So yeah I don’t know. Something to work out I guess between Jonathan and Edith. Some would say look at my meds but really don’t want to mess with those. Jess has developed a good routine in me where I don’t stay up past ten which is good.

We die establish that we won’t “practice staying up all day” the day before the actual event as I need my rest then.

My concern too is the unknown cause of these zaps and no treatment for those.

So yeah I’m having a good day shh!

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