So something that I’d been so anxious about has happened. Jess cut tonight, or scratched I don’t know. I had just been trying to distract myself from the anxiety and actually thought she had been having a good day. But anyone with mental illness knows how these things come up out of nowhere.
Basically after dinner she must have gone and talked with the caseworkers. They kept her in their offices til leaving at nine thirty. At which point she’s in one of the observation rooms facing the nurse’s station.
I’m so grateful for my caseworker. She’s so patient and sensitive. She just sat there while I sobbed my heart out. Anxiously badgered her about all the reasons why Jess should be down here how I wouldn’t through this even though we both knew I could ETC. We talked about how much I now really really needed to see Jonathan more than before because of this. But how that might not happen with all the frenzy over Sunday.
She was just there without being intrusive. She helped me straighten up my bed. Got me my meds. Gave my I love you messages to Jess twice. By the time she left I was calm enough to see her point. That seeing me a crying puddle wouldn’t help Jess and make her feel worse. That she needed the alone time to try and figure this out. Which is a huge struggle for her.
As long as she’s not hospitalized I can hang in there.
So yeah long long night. Earlier I was anxious that I would cry all night. One can only cry for so long at a stretch. Right now I’m in a calmer place exhausted from crying but not worked up at all.
I’m not upset at her for this. I’m just there with her understanding how today her illness scored. But that she’s been doing so well she’ll get back at it soon. That these ups and downs with crisises are normal with what we deal with. I’m grateful for dedicated supportive staff who look out for our safety and try to make the crisis less terrible. Just saying they wish they could make it less terrible says something about how deeply they care.
I’m sad for Jess that the caseworkers she trusts the most left before she could see them. And that she couldn’t see hers yesterday which might have contributed to all this. It’s just horrible time with this triggering week for her on the heels of this trauma from Sunday and how it effects the staff. Just a lousy time in general.
Hoping for the best.
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