Well today wasn’t that good a day.
DBT was good I guess. Still really like the people. Learned more about a couple of them and was sad to hear the trauma and intense pain they go through daily. But good to validate what they’re going through and support them more as we learn more about them. I’m glad the therapist did allow them to talk about their situations some.
My goals (without the thing in front of me) are to work on accepting reassurances when I’m anxious/ staying in the present, not canceling plans/ doing things I know will help with depression, and not banging the walls/ kicking the walls table ETC when I’m irritated. (have fun with that!)
I did get in a disagreement with the therapist that still irritates me. I think part of it has been seeing a few of my good friends really struggling and not getting the help they need.
We were talking about problem solving. I said how in the past I wasn’t good at solving emotional problems because I never was able to really feel and express emotions. With Jonathan I’ve learned about processing feelings while solving the problem, or before or however it ends up LOL! And we solve the problem together.
So she’s like it’s good you have support in your life but what’s the main goal? Answer to what sounds like a trick question. To solve the problems on my own.
Which I suppose can be true for some things and I get it’s important to be able to know what you’re doing because people aren’t always gonna be around and whatever.
But looking at myself and others in the group, I think having severe mental illness makes daily life difficult. Things that wouldn’t make someone else bat an eye can seem overwhelming to someone who deals with mood swings across the board, flashbacks impulsive behavior ETC. For these people just going to someone reaching out and saying I need help is huge! For them to step back from what’s for many like drowning in their own emotions, to want to let someone in is just so amazing. To then be told you need to go through this whole experience, like flashbacks, depression ETC without anyone just work it out in your head I feel is saying in a way that you’re not welcome to reach out that you must do everything on your own/ alone.
I guess like I said I might not be so sensitive on this subject if I hadn’t seen a few friends just not getting the help they need from professionals. To be told they’re doing fine even if due to their mental illness/ disability getting food meds ETC is erratic, or just getting no answers and professionals being totally unconcerned when someone is clearly struggling makes me want to wring someone’s neck.
And the therapist was like yeah yeah ok. Like whatever just agreeing to shut me up I think. She then said that it’s ok to go to someone for big problems but not little problems. I said that that’s subjective and no one outside of the person can judge what’s a little problem from a big one. I swear half these therapists and certainly the ones who come up with these therapies don’t have mental illness. If they did I think they wouldn’t say things like this. Don’t get me wrong this person is generally compassionate. I haven’t connected with her in depth. And like I said she made a good move earlier in the group by letting people speak and has good intentions just ugh. And I’m the kind of person where that interaction makes me clearly not want to open up to her in the future. I’m not gonna go through the emotional turmoil of getting myself to open up if I know I’m gonna be told something like that. It hurts way more than it helps and it is not worth it. No wonder I want to bang the walls! LOL just kidding but ya know.
Oh and then couldn’t see Jonathan because they had some emergency. And Jess is having trouble with her school stuff and it’s up in the air whether this situation can be fixed to allow her to go to school. I’m really hoping it can as this means so much to her. But am very anxious if it can’t.
So not the best day actually.