So I felt good about how today went. One thing that happened was that I didn’t go to my DBT dialectical behavior therapy group they run here and don’t think I want to go. For those that don’t know DBT is good for a lot of things, mostly helping people learn how to work with their feelings so they don’t do things like self-harm, drink, do drugs, have road rage (LOL) and ya know basically not totally freak out. It’s also good for trauma survivors, people with eating disorders and other issues.
It’s a new group here and I’m glad that the person who started it, though they’re not extensively trained in it, did do it because it’s a higher quality group than what’s normally offered. And yes for a long time I wanted to have one here and yes did enjoy the meetings I did go to for the most part.
When I really wanted it was when I was still really struggling with self-harm urges, though I haven’t actually had any issues with cutting in like months and months. I knew it worked better than CBT for that kind of thing and wanted there to be something that addressed self-harm a little better. When they finally got it running like three weeks ago I’ve gotten so much better and haven’t had any self-harm urges in a long long time.
So the group is for an hour in this small hot room on hard plastic chairs. I am just so antsy sitting there having to pay attention for a whole hour! (I know right?) But seriously it’s just hard for me to like sit and pay attention for that long. Especially as some of what they go over I don’t really see working for me, as in it hasn’t. Like writing down your thoughts and feelings. I do that already pages and pages of it since high school. It’s called a journal.
Also it’s really draining, and honestly very sad to sit with these other people who are really struggling and just in so much pain. Just dealing with things I couldn’t even imagine going through or having gone through. And you just think about how living here at least they’re getting some kind of care, but there’s no way they can get the amount of therapy and quality of therapy they really need to heal because Medicaid is so limited. I have enough to deal with supporting the select group of very close friends I have that struggle day to day it’s just a lot to pile on these other people’s pain.
And it’s just at a really hard time in the day. Just going out of our room and like getting to the group, and then right after group going right downstairs to lunch is really overwhelming. Because you have the other residents. Who basically do everything you can think of to drive you crazy! It’s intense. I’ll go in depth in another post and I probably have said the issues I have living here. But being around it for anything longer than I have to is soo stressful. It gets me stressed out Jess stressed out, then I worry that she’s irritated and it just snowballs.
So that’s the whole thing. I’m just honestly sick of on a side note, how these day programs and groups run. Like giving you so many worksheets it’s like you’re in school. It’s just so draining and honestly intellectualizing everything. I could sit and talk about how the reason I scratched was because I couldn’t deal with expressing my feelings and how others received that and on and on. Until I actually was in situations with my therapist where I was angry at him or afraid and had to deal with that overwhelming feeling in the moment I didn’t get anywhere. The really good sounding programs with process groups, and arts based groups that really get to the core of that stuff Medicaid doesn’t cover. So I just feel like in teaching these skills yes you have some tools to deal with things intellectually, and for many people like trauma survivors maybe that’s all they can take for now. Getting more in depth could be really destabilizing. But for me, it’s like well people who know me know I can talk your ear off about issues. It takes a long time for me to feel like I can actually open up and let my feelings out. Was talking to another resident about this and she’s going to a similar program with just the worksheets. I know her a little and she’s a bit like me. She can tell you all about what’s going on. But then her emotions just get really overwhelming and she has these horrible meltdowns that are painful for everyone. I also think you can use some of these tools to really beat yourself up. Like knowing that certain thoughts aren’t rational, but that does nothing to take away the emotional power of them. Which the only way I’ve found to get through it besides taking an ativan and sleeping (which are my top two go to skills,) is to talk about it.
Anyway that’s the story on DBT and stuff for now. I’m sure Edith and Jonathan will have some things to say. The caseworker who does it came by. I told her what was up. I was like hey I love being on the computer maybe you can skype me! She was half amused half like OMG! But yeah.