frustrated about life

Hi.

So yeah just frustrated and discouraged on life.

This thing with basically the department of social services (for adults) coming out to investigate the care I’m getting, due to some unknown busybody who couldn’t be bothered to consult with me first, got to me. Obveously. I mean I think anyone would feel terrible about it. Angry and like I said violated in a way that they took all this very personal information on my care to the authorities without my knowing or consenting. If they were that concerned why not come directly to me? I’m not a child who wouldn’t be able to understand their concern. I am not so much upset on behalf of Jonathan, which I think shows my healing. I often when I’m really strongly attached to someone have a huge emotional reaction when they’re bullied, in a bad situation ETC. But I didn’t. It was hard telling the woman how much Jonathan has meant to me as a therapist, and about my self-injury as it had already been graphically explained in that e-mail, but other than that. I’m not angry on his behalf. He’s a big boy. He’s faced worse alligations and probably similar he has the track record to back him up and lots of professionals I’m sure. And the success especially speaks for itself in my and I’m sure the other client’s cases.

So that wasn’t exactly a fun experience.

The problem with only one elevator working here is really just like talk about annoying and depressing. It’s bad enough when things are running fine going up and down with the general chaos of the place. With only one elevator, or well at least by dinnertime two elavators, it’s just beyond nuts. I spent money I didn’t want to spend on Sunday ordering out. Because we didn’t want to deal with the one elevator thing then. So it was needed. But I hate spending money. I hate that I have to buy snacks because they don’t provide us any in between meal snacks except at night and it’s usually hard cookies. I hate that the food is so bad like I said. And that then I have to spend money I don’t want to spend. I want to save and save. I have this feeling like I’ll need the money soon but don’t know why. In the back of my mind I want it for whenever I go to visit my new friend in DC. But yeah just really want to save money and hate not being able to.

And just yeah. Edith is back from her four day vacation. Have seriously nothing to tell her other than our friendly social worker visit today. Our standoff is still the same, I am not going to that group. She likely is not going to do ASL with me. Which sucks as well.

So yeah just discouraged by life. I never get a real vacation from this place. I haven’t left Albany for any kind of overnight since coming here except for being hospitalized. Staff sometimes say people purposely get hospitalized to have a vacation! And no don’t worry I’m not going down the road. As Jonathan would say the cost isn’t worth the benefit. And I’ve also heard staff say how important it is that a resident be hospitalized at times because they need to get away from the stress of here which could be making symptoms worse. If they’re in a more neutral environment then things could better be evaluated. But yeah. Need a vacation. But know I won’t be getting one.

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