Every post I write about me until I say otherwise just assume it starts with “I hate this place!” Because I may get tired of writing that sentence but believe me it’s there!
So let’s see. Finally talked to my mom in over a week. I feel so bad for her. She totally runs herself down and then gets very sick with asma, sinus infections just everything under the sun. This would happen when she had no job and stayed home. Now that she and dad both are working it’s just worse because she has to handle job responsibilities and taking care of the house. The recent frenzy around whether or not to sell the house has made things ten times more stressful. Financial wise obviously. But since they keep going back and forth around staying for another year or selling, they’re totally redoing everything in any event. The house isn’t functional the way it used to be with us home. So that means they’ve rearranged all the rooms. They turned my bedroom into a tv room. Repainted everything in the whole house, and are selling everything they absolutely don’t need.
I totally realize that this is part of them having no kids anymore and needing to think about themselves which believe me after whatever they sacrificed to raise a blind child I think they deserve it. I’m absolutely not being sarcastic. As much as my parents have their issues they’ve fought hard to give us a good life in the way they define a good life and truly did the best with what they had financially emotionally ETC.
However. When you’re stuck across the country and just wanted to take your best friend to visit your house and show her what things were like growing up, physically as in room how it used to be. And to go through any stuff that’s left over and just enjoy good memories it’s unsettling to know someone just decided to change everything up. And yes I realize and totally accept and am for why they did this from their point of view. From mine it’s very hard. As I’ve said to edith, Jess (haven’t gotten the chance to say to Jonathan because we haven’t met in a month) I feel like by the time I ever do get to visit there will be nothing left of mine at home.
Anyway so I feel really bad that my mom has run herself down to the point that has sinus infection ear infection super swollen glands and whatever else. And could hardly work at all this week.
Which makes me even more anxious and guilty about asking her for more money. Two months ago maybe less she gave me like over a hundred dollars. Well now I have almost nothing why? Because for like a week there was only one elevator for over three hundred people. So we ordered out a lot to avoid being crushed by the unruly crowd just to basically go downstairs to eat jello. On that topic, they’ve just had really bad food lately. The way stuff is cooked or not (Thursday the stake wasn’t cooked all the way through) has upset my stomach multiple times. On the other hand so does not eating. So we order out just so I can get something in my stomach. Keep in mind we can’t have a small fridge to keep anything cold in, like my parents so kindly suggested insure which takes like nasty chalk and I gag on. But even if I made myself drink it it would have to be cold.
So basically when I go down there nine times out of ten I eat a fruit plate. Pineapple or strawberries mostly, they have grapes that are very sour and shriveled, and w watermelon which I hate. They have sandwiches but the only sandwiches I like are peanut butter and jelly (we’re not allowed peanut butter here,) Chicken stuffing and cranberry jelly sandwich, and that’s pretty much it.
We buy snacks and I try so hard to not eat like hardly anything to save them. Because I feel so bad about this money thing. Mom not working for the past week makes me feel terrible about asking for more money knowing we used it to order out. Yet we needed to order out or else I’d have a headache and get very weak and end up eating nothing. Staff are concerned about me not eating much. But it’s like what do you expect?
But anyway during our conversation mom asked if she could sell all my CDS in a yard sale. She said it was just music I could download anyway, which is true. And I gave her permission. But again I had this thought of being able to go through that stuff with Jess on our visit home. But then I rationally know as I said why they’re doing this, and why it’s possible they might not have money for a visit home. So I do get it.
As I’ve said many times before the two big supports I have for staff are Jonathan and Edith. Edith is awesome. She’s so easygoing. She has this gift for being clinically really skilled without talking like a clinician. Mostly her interventions are teasing and with a sense of relaxed playfulness. And she totally cares and goes way out of her way for me. Example teaching me ASL, going for walks with me. Spending time, and encouraging time for us to just talk about life. She does this with other residents I know, and similar to Jonathan and other really good staff here is flexible in her approach to different residents needing different things.
Right now she’s the only staff I can talk to about this. The depth of how much I hate this place. How trapped I feel that I can’t get out and there are no viable options. The excitement of meeting others with disabilities who have come up with a living situation that works but knowing it would be quite a long time if ever that they’d feel comfortable with knowing me enough to have me living with/ near them. Or that I could realistically replicate the situation someplace with friends. Just understanding, as much as someone who doesn’t have to live here, and isn’t in my head can understand.
Jonathan on the other hand? Haven’t seen him for a month. Granted the last session I canceled. Because I was so stressed from DBT group and going to lunch and coming back upstairs and not wanting to go back downstairs. But I did try to find him later in the week. And every week after many times reached out to make an appointment. And unfortunately he was very busy. Going to court with residents, whatever he has to do out of the building which seems like a lot lately and general things that come up when you’re the clinical director of a facility of over three hundred. I realized I signed up for this when I decided to continue seeing him as my therapist once he stopped working so intensively with me (answering my phone calls/ e-mails, ETC) and when I became sort of another resident hoping to meet with him once a week. Which to be fair he doesn’t even do with any other residents anymore. He used to with four. Then there’s the matter of the mystery letter. And how or if it’s affected any of this. People say it couldn’t but I imagine it has on some level. However I can’t talk about this with him because I literally can’t even catch him for two minutes to ask if we can meet on a certain day. I’m not sure if I started talking about hating this place the last time we met. I know the last time I had just connected with Nai and had the huge fight with Jess. So we were figuring that out. And I think I was sort of keeping my feelings about this to myself trying to work things out in my mind. So basically the one person who I know I could turn to about anything I haven’t been able to turn to for the past month. He doesn’t answer calls or e-mails not that I’d expect him to.
Friday I was extra disappointed. I had been having serious thoughts of scratching something I hadn’t had in a very long time. I was afraid of that it was hard to deal with by myself. It was just a lot. I called him and left a pretty clear message that I was struggling and really wanted to talk to him. I was anxious and could have used a nap but waited thinking he might call. Or even text edith though in my message I said that I really wanted to talk to him not Edith. He’s the one who’d dealt with everything including strong thoughts around things I hadn’t done since meeting edith, hitting the walls ETC. But he never did anything at all. As I said about my day on Friday we did talk. She listened very seriously but joked with me about things until I felt better. Her usual Edith way worked. But OMG. I mean does he, or can he realistically be my therapist anymore?
So I know the reasons for all the things that stress me out. And there’s a rational and perfectly appropriate explanation for everything. And I don’t want to be this selfish bitch who doesn’t realize why people are doing what they’re doing and is just talking about how unfair life is. Everything just makes me want to scream. But somehow I have to make myself just keep going in this hard situation and hope one day I’ll get the opening I need to go in a new direction. I can tell myself that intellectually I just don’t know how to do it emotionally.