Have really been trying so hard to work on this since yesterday. As you know have posted a lot about how I’m feeling. While getting my feelings out doesn’t make them worse, I can’t keep having these strong feelings. I’m both a very rational as well as very emotional person. So I can know something totally rationally and emotionally be in the opposite place. And I want to solve problems quickly. When I can’t I basically go crazy internally and that used to lead to unhealthy coping.
In the past when I felt very strong emotions that I couldn’t stand the ongoing intensity of, or others told me I shouldn’t feel that way I would self-harm in order to keep my emotions regulated and stop the whole process.
I’ve been having self-harming thoughts lately due to the feeling of being trapped in a bad situation, as stated in my previous posts. Not just the living situation which is the biggest unsolvable (at least short term) problem, but the others like no therapist, food issue/ money ETC. So I’ve been having these thoughts. But I can talk myself out of it. And haven’t acted on them at all. But it takes a lot.
And I know I’m feeling this way because I’m not in control of the problem.And it’s not like I’m sitting around thinking negative thoughts about all this. If anything it’s the opposite. I sit consciously telling myself exactly why this is happening, what’s positive about living here and everything else. But I can’t get that to translate to the emotional level. Continuing to let out these emotions is difficult on everyone. Firstly I don’t have very many people skilled in handling my strong emotions around. By very many I mean no Jonathan. He’s like the master of Sam. But he’s nowhere to be found. He just must be so busy with work and stuff and as I said I realistically wonder if he can actually see me for therapy and if not I don’t have money for a new therapist and don’t trust whatever Medicaid might throw me.
But anyway. I do have Edith. She says I should let myself feel how I’m feeling. But I’ve done that and it’s not helping. It’s not making things worse but it’s not helping. I just need to somehow feel that I know I’ll eventually solve these problems and things will be ok. I just want to feel that but I can’t.
Furthermore the other really trusted person that can take my intense emotions is also having intense emotions of their own and not doing very well. If she’s in a hard place and I’m in a hard place it’s not good for both of us. She’s the one who usually has problems opening up. I want her to feel able to talk to me. So really want to be strong for her.
So it’s really difficult. Maybe if I just tell myself enough times the healthy thoughts it will eventually get the emotions in line.
It’s all I can think of to do.