needing to vent about my caseworker and ASL

So the drama over me learning ASL and Edith insisting on this DBT group continues.

Yesterday after my long week and especially the monica thing I was just done with DBT. I was thinking I’ll just try and find another ASL buddy. Which is extremely hard to do. All my friends that know ASL live in other states. Wish it were a verbal language we could skype and practice. Unfortunately not.

So basically no local people who can really do it as I sat and thought about it which is why Edith started working with me in the first place. I have written Columbia university that has an ASL interpreter program. As well as a couple of deaf places that have classes. I wouldn’t be able to do an actual class as it’s extremely fast paced and expensive! So would need one on one. If I could find someone perhaps we can exchange talents, I could use my degree/ skills in counseling psych in some way. If it’s a student in a teaching ASL program maybe they could do it for a project and get credit? Who knows. In any case I did write some people and will continue to do so. It’s incredibly hard.

But I did talk with Jonathan about it all. He said he’s fine/ understands Edith’s point about if she’s going to do something that’s outside her regular scope of job description, then I would need to do something in return. Having known me for almost three years though, he understands that in the end you can’t really get me to do something I don’t want to do no matter how good the reward. He said too that he wouldn’t want to deprive me of doing something I’m passionate about. He said that he would recommend Edith and I look for another thing that she would want me to do. I said ok.

I believe in everyone being on the exact same page, same line and same everything when it comes to treatment. I don’t see how people thinking they’re on the same page and then not and everything going crazy helps anyone. So I asked Jonathan to bring in Edith. He hesitated a little. But not as bad as when I asked Edith to talk with Jonathan and I. She flat out refused and went into some tangent about how she didn’t want to get between her boss and a client. I saw it as therapist case manager and client meeting and getting on the same page about something, in that case it was therapy.

For this I only had to ask a couple times. I said that I didn’t want Edith to question/ not believe it when I said that he had said we could stop the DBT group for something else. Which I know she would.

So end of our meeting she comes down. He explains everything perfectly. So I asked him and her what they had in mind for me to do. No thoughts. I’m like really. It just stumps me that as treatment providers they didn’t have anything in mind. I said I had no idea. If it were up to me I’d just learn ASL for the sake of doing something I’m extremely passionate in, therapeutic because it increases a skill that I feel really positive about and will serve me well in the future. When I meet all my awesome deaf online friends/ blind ASL user friends.

So I was like sigh ok. So he’s basically like you guys figure that out. So I ask Edith you’re sure you have no ideas? At this point he’s leaving. She goes I already told you my idea DBT. This was after his ten minute explanation about how DBT was a done deal. Funny she didn’t say this when we were talking he was heading out at this point. So she’s like absolutely DBT, until you find something else you have to go to the group and you can’t get any ASL time and on and on just like always. So I was like mad at this point because it didn’t seem like she was listening at all.

So we get upstairs. She eventually asked me somewhere in our conversation if I’d do another group. We have a lot of pretty useless groups around here. With bachilors level case managers leading them that jump in with very little training it’s not surprising. That and the variety of resident issues/ personalitys/ effects of illness. So it’s generally chaos to my mind. I tried some different groups when I came here and I came out more anxious due to it.

But they’re only a half hour long and DBT is an hour. And it wouldn’t be with Monica. And it’s like so dumb because like I said you could probably learn more about coping skills or whatever from a quiet internet search in your room than a chaotic half hour in a small room. But I said I’d try it. Because I honestly can’t think of anything else.

But because I missed group this week and didn’t talk to anyone about it and whatever I get no asl lesson Sunday.

It’s like really? I get the whole she’s taking time out for me thing. But the thing is too when we’re working together she seems really genuinely happy. And interested and engaged and just loving it herself. Loving learning it and finding different ways to teach me. I can see the teacher in her come out, she worked with developmentally disabled adults in high school and she’s good at it. And we’re just both really connecting and it’s great. But then whenever we get on the subject of this group it’s like “I bend over backwards to make time for you.” With this attitude like she’s really ruffled by it. As genuinely happy as she seems is how genuinely ruffled/ irritated she seems when discussing the group. So I’m just confused. Either you want to do this or not. But don’t turn this into something you can just manipulate, take away bring back, be happy, be put out just all over the place. If I could find someone to do this with I’d just stop the whole thing with her. But there just isn’t anyone. So yeah it’s not very productive I feel. Even with a different group it’s like ok I’m being pushed into doing something that I honestly see no benefit in doing. I don’t see much benefit in being in a group with residents that are just on a totally different planit to me emotionally and in what their illness does to them. So it just yeah is upsetting to me. Will keep you updated.

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