weird day

Hi everyone,

Forget when I did a daily update. But anyway. Today has been ok. Different morning routine as Jess went to a doctor’s appointment. I thought I’d be able to happily skip lunch. I hate going down to meals even if the food is ok. But sigh she came back too early. But anyway we did have lunch and it was good. The health department is here so I’m sure that’s why.

I did get to sit with Kat and she was talkative so that was nice.

Then waited around for Edith to come by with Krystal so we could have our official about me talk. She didn’t come til three. About which time I figured she wasn’t coming at all and was getting anxious and tired waiting. But we did have our meeting. It was ok. Krystal is deffinetely very different. Something hard is that she’s not as verbally responsive as Edith. For a blind person it’s important to give verbal cues you’re listening. Not all the time. And if I know someone even if they’re not saying anything while I’m talking (and it’s hard to do this when I talk up a storm!) I know they’re listening because I just know them well. But especially for newer people it’s important to give verbal confirmation that you’re listening. Because I can’t see your face. Often I can intuitively tell if someone is distracted or how they’re feeling because I can read people well. But especially with a new person it’s hard. I’m used to Edith being totally engaged. It’s her personality anyway and she said how she knew to verbally engage more with me especially. Krystal on the other hand barely says yeah when I’m talking. It’s very quiet. And after says basically nothing. So I don’t know how she’s feeling or what she’s thinking.

Like I said I’ve had a lot of experience with professionals. Some believe it or not purposely put on a show of being blank or neutral. For whatever crazy reason they feel this is somehow therapeutic. I can tell usually when that’s happening and sometimes can pretty much tell what they’re real feelings are behind the mask. Which makes them pretty mad when they find out they can’t hide from me. But I really don’t think this is the case. She seems genuinely friendly. She also doesn’t seem like other professionals I’ve met who are the totally burnt out, or don’t really want to work in this field kind. They’re disengaged and low energy because they simply don’t fit in in this kind of work. They at a deep level don’t know how to respond. I feel bad for people in their personal lives. Because they are so low energy. But that’s not the case either. I think it’s just a personality trait. We’ll just have to see what happens. I don’t see her as judgmental of me at all when I explained how I am. Things that trigger me, and things I’d like to do for fun. The one time I saw something clearly was when Edith mentioned teaching me sign language off youtube. Krystal was very confused. I wonder if she’ll try or just say it’s too hard. Hoping we’ll get an ASL speaking caseworker that I can bug. We had one for three months who was awesome. I wanted to switch to working with him. Because he was extremely engaged. But then he left to interpret in schools. The other one we had admitted she learned ASL off of youtube. And was the disengaged type. Kat hated her which is saying something.

Anyway that was kind of tiring getting so little back after telling her everything. I guess it will just take getting used to. At least I don’t feel intimidated or like I could never open up because of the intensity I’d get back. Or the cold clinical attitude. It’s just hard to get nothing back. And I don’t think it’s her fault. Professionals that purposely put on a clinical mask really bother me. I am very hard on these people because I call them out on it. I tell them what I’m sensing behind the mask and how wrong it is that I’m sitting here opening up and they’re not treating me like a real person. And they think they know all this stuff about mental illness when they’ve probably never had to deal with it. I’m so glad I have Jonathan who is very much genuine.

We are getting two new PRCS well three assuming we get one of the many applicants that came pouring in off my job add. Edith and Jonathan and I didn’t pick Krystal because she was an amazing fit for me. She was the only good option here right now. So we’ll see how things progress.

So anyway I’m kind of tired. I can’t believe how the week is flying by. Edith won’t be here tomorrow because she always has Thursdays off. And then Friday we say goodbye.

My box to ship off the computer also still hasn’t come in. And Jonathan wasn’t in today. So in all likelyhood will have to wait til Friday. Which is fine I guess.

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One thought on “weird day

  1. I have a hard time with people who don’t give feedback too, even though I can see them clearly. It can feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

    Maybe you’ll be lucky and find out that she’s just quite because she doesn’t know you yet. Maybe she’s just taking some time to warm up to you. I’ll be hoping this turns out better for you soon.

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