It’s so hard to see someone you love more than anything suddenly in the middle of an emotional crisis with no warning.
Jess has been doing so well with school, working with personal issues, and just over all good. She recently had one of her meds adjusted she had her little moods but nothing major.
So last night out of the blue she had an episode where depression, self-injury and suicidal thoughts just took over. It was out of nowhere and she doesn’t know what triggered it. I’m not so much overwhelmed with anxiety now when this happens as I am sad and frustrated for her that it does keep happening.
For the most part my emotional issues have some kind of trigger where I know or can pretty easily work out what caused them. And I’m very subjective sensitive to my own feelings and others to the point I do get easily overwhelmed. I’m always experiencing everything going on inside my head. The SI for me was a result of living in an environment where there was no tolerance of expressing anything besides neutral or happy emotions. Basically you had to be on a neutral keel otherwise mom got verymad. So it got to the point to where the only way I could act how they wanted to was to physically numb the pain.
Working with me with the self-injury was directly about building a safe relationship with people like Jonathan Jess and my PRSC where I could express this stuff and know that no one would be upset at me for it. As long as I feel I have that outlet that’s the big thing. Plus not liking the effects of oif I scratch like getting blood pressure taken every shift, the thinly veiled judgment of the non social service staff ETC
But what’s scary in her case is you just don’t know why because all the stuff that’s so visible to me internally is like an inceberg under water. She’s had to do some damn hard work to expose even a little bit of it to herself and then to others and that’s really hard for her. It’s like she shuts down to even her own inner experiences.
Consequently so much ofh her illness is so hidden that it’s hard to really tackle it head on. You can only work with what you can see and times like this where there’s a crisis and something pops up you can work on it but it’s kind of random when that happens.
So yeah I’m just kind of accepted that this is part of her illness. She’s just as lost as anyone on the outside about it and it’s an ongoing struggle. Like mine is just different.
So it’s the usual routine. She’ll be in the observation room for a few days. As always it’s back and forth about the hospital. I don’t know which is worse and I guess it depends on the situation, a psychiatrist that’s extremely quick to hospitalize or one that’s very slow. I had two that were quick the psychiatrist we both have is slow. I haven’t experienced anything around the hospital with her except going to the crisis unit which to me was crazy because nothing was done and I got home at midnight. If they try that again I’ll just say admit me!
But yeah she really tries to have the people here do what they can before hospitalizing. Which is good but I don’t feel should be like the first option to everything. Because other than keep checking in with the person as often as possible (considering that the PRSCS have a million things to do) all they can do is put you in these observations rooms. Which you know by now from reading that this is just a protocol and not really very helpful at all.
But with these episodes of hers it’s so hard because you don’t know how long they last. She could be ok in a day or on the rollercoaster for two weeks.
So yeah. I was quite unsure today of what was gonna happen. I wasn’t so worried except I had a dentist appointment planned for tomorrow. And she was to go with me. I did talk this over with Stephanie with Jess present. I think it gave stephanie a good insight into our relationship and how I respond to her in crisis. I didn’t let on just how anxious I was feeling but that was ok.
I guess I could have gone on paratransit myself. And there was a big possibility she would have been able to go with me. But the up and down of not knowing til like tonight was killing me. If I called the place and it would be months til they could get another appointment I probably woulda kept it. But they said oh that’s ok how about next week! Which was actually cool they have openings. In case she does go to the hospital we gave ourselves the room for it and said the week after. So two weeks. It’s a checkup it’s fine. I do want to get it done.
So yeah there’s that. In other new all I had for lunch was fruit plate. So by late afternoon I was really weak and huntry. And what happens often is I actually get upset stomach when hungry and sick to my stomach. So that’s lovely.
So yeah haven’t had the best afternoon. We ordered out because I absolutely need food. I had had some cookies but that probably wasn’t the best. It’s not like we can keep all kinds of food here. We’re lucky we can keep this. So yeah I’m feeling a lot better will be more so when I get food.
But all that to say it’s been an up and down day. I did start reading a book on my ipod a Rosie Lewis short story while Kinzy had my computer scanning.
So yeah. We’re just chillaxing and hoping things even out. What is difficult is that she is at the max dose of one of her meds and possibly the other. So I don’t know how that’s dealt with when someone’s hit the limet with their med. I know it happened with me and Zoloft but at that point it just wasn’t working at all so there wasn’t the point.
If she had to do any kind of med changes big like that she’d have to go into the hospital. Stephanie was actually wondering if the raising of the lamyctol had something to do with this. I would think that raising a med that’s already in your system and has been for years wouldn’t do that but I really don’t know.
So we’ll just have to see. I’ve perked up a lot now that I’m not exhausted and with upset stomach.
Hope things will be better TMW as Robbie says
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