friday’s therapy session

Hi everyone,

I forgot that except for telling you about the stuff with HP not covering the broken screen I didn’t tell you about my session Friday.

So yeah in addition to trying to figure out this HP stuff we talked about several things. On the PRSC front we only have one spot left. He did hire a guy who’s resume I got who has a degree from a spiritual counseling school. Should be interesting to see his side of things Jonathan said he’s great. And then there’s Adam another new guy who literally walked in applied and got hired. I don’t know much about him even though he’s on my floor.

So we actually only have one spot left. I’m hoping that a particular applicant gets it, a music therapist who’s had a lot of experience in the mental health field. Really knowledgable about using the arts w in healing, really good with leading groups. Colaborated with therapists on the unit that my psychiatrist goes to for like eight years. So yeah really crossing my fingers.

He said a lot of the applicants wanted way higher salaries than this job gives. So yeah that was too bad. So we’ll see. I’m still getting applications. Nothing really good. We should know very soon who will get the spot. And then hopefully no more PRSCS leaving! This will make a whole new team with people and they need time to gell and get used to each other. I really wish that PRSCS were able to stay for like five or ten years instead of at the most a couple years. Like we have one Breanca who’s been here almost three yearws and Edith even said she wasn’t sure how long she’d be staying. Which is one reason she didn’t put me on her caseload. People know that more than two years, unless you’re promoted and there are only like two spots you can promote to, is pushing it.

So yeah. The HP thing actually took awhile because we had to figure out exactly what was going on. Because he’d gotten one e-mail that said it was shipped so he rushed to the mail area and then came back and found the other e-mail that was sent out the beginning of the week. And he had to read it very carefully to see that it was actually saying it wouldn’t cover the screen which really really frustrates me. And then he wrote them basically saying there’s no way in hell it got moved or dropped or anything ands who knows if they’ll believe that. I’m hoping they can explain to him in techy terms (he’s a techy) what went on. And then the only other hope we have is this three year insurance thing my mom bought. The warantie came with the computer and everyone was saying it had to go to HP first and I thought for sure this would be fixed simply. Jonathan said one reason they want to try to get out of this is that replacing a screen costs more than the laptop itself. But since it’s the inside of the screen I’m thinking does the whole thing really need to be replaced? But anyway. Just wait and see with that.

So then we talked about my parents and this whole visiting thing. Which is still absolutely going nowhere. It’s like every excuse in the book when I bring it up. Really my mom that keeps saying we need to wait, things aren’t ready yet, we’re gonna sell the house, wait we’re not, we’re gonna change your room (found out from dad that was a total lie she said they changed it and they hadn’t)

My dad was kind of on the hands off attitude of oh sorry we legit haven’t had time to think about it. I know they both love me a lot and are so well meaning. Like Jonathan said on Friday I think they’re as anxious as I am, for different reasons. But they don’t want to admit it especially my dad. My mom will blame the whole world before she admits to anything.

A few days before my session I had been talking to my family. And the one thing that really gets me is not being in my pets lives. Like everyday that goes by I just miss them more and more and really worry about them dying before I can ever see them again and like take videos. So I was getting emotional about it with my sister who I haven’t talked to all summer. And I think I was on speaker because my dad overheard me and said you can’t think like that. (that the pets are gonna die before I see them.) At this point in my healing from the safety of the phone I was able to say well I do think like that. But it really just brought home, no pun intended, what I’ll have to face going back there. Just the lack of acceptance of any little speck of emotion that’s not happy. And how much they hate that and can’t stand it and will do whatever they can verbally to stop it.

And it just brought up so many memories. And feelings of just being at the mercy of whatever they dish out regarding one little tear or one little irritated/ angry comment. And I was just so upset. It’s like what planet are these people on? That they truly believe you can’t get upset at virtually anything.

And of course he let me cry which is soo Jonathan. Even though he says I’m a “heartbreaker” when I cry LOL. And he said what all my therapists and others and I have said, that they do this because they don’t know what else to do. They don’t know how to deal with their own emotions, especially my mom. My dad just wants to ya know keep going and not worry about anything. But he’s really the easiest because he will let you cry. He doesn’t really raise his voice unless my mom baits him to death or he really get frustrated. But he doesn’t really go at you my mom really gets mad. And that’s the hardest part. It’s like someone being upset is against her. She acts like it’s all about her and it ruined her day and it’s like OK?

And he reminded me that even if my mom is the same mom I’m not the same me. That I’m not stuck there they’re not raising me it will only be for a couple of days. He said it could go terribly. That we could have me come back and say what the hell were we thinking? But he doesn’t want me to regret not doing it if in a year God forbid Simon dies. Which I understand. He did say we need to work on the fact that the little situations that come up at home where I might get upset, to have it not trigger all the memories of like more than twenty years of this. Which I’m not sure you can help because that’s how trauma works. It’s hard enough untangling present situations from the past triggers which I’ve gotten better at doing in the environment here never mind going back in the environment.

So I told him ya know I’m not sure if I can do it. If I can take their comments on top of whatever situation is going on. Jonathan said he’s gonna tell them, and he already has and I hate the wording of this, that I can handle anything that comes up. What he means is that I can get upset give me some time with Jess and my cat behind closed doors and an Ativan and I’ll be ok. What they hear is that I won’t be emotional. And that I’ll be able to rationally handle everything that comes along and be like a normal person. He said he is going to talk to him. Not this week but the week after if I’m still ok with it and really get them to confidentially tell him what the issue is. I did agree he could talk to them and say that if there’s something that they want to say and keep it between them that’s fine. Because who knows? Maybe if they get something off their chest it will help. So I don’t know that conversation just really brought up all the feelings. And I will say I probably wouldn’t be doing it if it weren’t for the pets.

Lastly ya know what was so funny? So in the same time on the phone as I was so emotional over the pets I told my sister I’m sorry I missed your high school graduation I can’t believe it! She’s totally flatly like it’s ok I don’t even remember my graduation! I laughed so hard. She’s just like Dad.

So we’ll see what this week brings. We got a nice hour to meet at around three maybe that’s a good time as things are winding down.

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