Long day part two: No Jonathan and Stephanie’s thoughts on treatment

Was gearing up for a big emotional meltdown in Mr. J’s office at three. Was like anxious ready to cry. At the same time knew as it’s his birthday he might just decide to take the whole day off, he’s a spur of the moment kinda guy or something. Not having heard from him Jess texted. Turns out that he had gotten the batteries needed to rebuild my braillenote battery and was bring them to the eager electrician then. When we texted. So though I was hugely let down in a way, because I needed to let things out like you don’t even know, I can’t be mad because he’s helping me with something that anyone else in his position wouldn’t think of helping me with. At this point the computer issues, both with my Toshiba and especially HP are the biggest stress. I’m actually getting used to reading and writing on the braille sense still don’t like having to turn it on through reseting but can’t think of another option.

By around dinner time I had gotten all reset and was ready for a chillaxing night. I missed some online volunteering earlier in the week so was gonna have a nice productive few hours with that. Probably talk to my parents. Then remembered stephanie was coming to visit! At this point felt really neutrual towards her. Really didn’t want to open up because don’t trust her to cry in front of her or anything. I did talk to my dad for a half hour before she came which was nice. He was pretty upset by what happened to Robbie and how bad Friedman place is. He’s so easygoing it’s good talking with him.

Then Stephanie. So yeah very umm interesting. The minute I got in her presence I felt her well detachment I guess. Kinda has a neutral tone towards things like she doesn’t seem personally moved by tyhem in the way Edith did. I don’t know it’s a voice/ sensing thing can’t really express in writing. Or provide an audio sample here obviously! But while I did decide to tell her about Robbie (I’d been debating whether to just leave it out) and she listened and it was nice to tell the story to someone outside Jess who’s been my only outlet, I found myself not feeling so emotional. Because her reaction was very level and calm and well not emotional. Asked questions but well kind of clinically I guess it’s hard to explain. It’s just hard because she doesn’t know me at all and my friends and how things are and she just has a weird bibe I guess. Just something off.

I had to laugh she asked in her calm neutral way “Has Robert expressed his feelings about what’s happened at friedman and processed this.” I’m like absolutely! Like OMG you don’t know Robbie. Though I tried to give her the full picture of animated complex lovable Robbie she didn’t seem taken by it at all. She commented that I share the emotions of people close to me and that was kinda it.

Then she started down the road of my treatment. Said I’d done really well with stuff like harm reduction and getting myself out of the terrible depression I’d been in. That I’ll never go back anywhere near that place which I don’t think it’s so simple. She basically wants me to go outside my comfort zone. And do things that make me anxious it seems, for the pure gain of being anxious and getting through it even if it’s not practical for me or something I even want. For example, she wasn’t thrilled that when Jess was having her crisis I dedcided to cancel and reschedule my dentist appointment because I wasn’t sure if she would be able to go. If the office had said I couldn’t get an appointment again months from now I would have just done what I could to get there. But if I could reschedule which happened easily, and I was having a hard enough time just keeping it together then I saw no reason to put myself through this. Neither did Jess.

So she went on about how that’s “not the real world” that you can’t just cancel and reschedule everything around being anxious. I said that of all the unknowns about anxiety if there are things that can be avoided without undue stress on anyone in the situation I’d rather go that road. If I absolutely *have* to do something I’ll do it. But it will emotionally run down my energy cause a meltdown and be extremely difficult.

Anyway her whole basic thing is that my treatment plan like almost all of it is stuff I’ve already accomplished and she feels the need to go to the next goals I guess. I felt a pressure for her implied, and I know it has been stated that if you’re not progressing in treatment they question whether or not you need to live here. I feel I need to live here do to the staff’s knowledge about mental illness knowing that basic things like meals, meds ETC are in place and the general atmosphere being extremely condusive to healing. My life was saved here and has flourished here leaving terrifies me especially seeing a place like friedman go from pretty good to terrible and friends affected.

I was getting worked up internally. I really want to just go off screaming or burst into tears. And I think she could sense something. She did ask how I felt at points during her whole speech and I couldn’t admit to it so I juststayed intellectual and said I did understand what she was saying. It’s not the first someone’s said these things and I’d certainly think about it. I think she wants me to change everything like now. And I don’t think she appreciates what having to go through unnecessary anxiety would do to my overall mental health. Like with crisis like if Jess is having a hard time or this stuff with Robbie it’s enough to just keep myself distracted by online stuff and functioning going to meals not thinking about self injury ETC. I’m not sure she appreciates that struggle. I know Jonathan does. I just feel like if it’s something I truly wanted to do differently I’d already be doing it. But if I’m sup[posed to do this for the sake of treatment and pleasing someone else then it doesn’t feel worth it. It was a lot to think about especially with everything else on my mind. She breezed out saying she looked forward to hearing how I processed things next week. To think I had planned a short visit to just talk a little, never thought at first I’d even discuss Robbie but she just took over with that stuff so yeah. Anyone’s guess what will happen next. So yeah glad tomorrow is the weekend. And I can just totally chillax.

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