So other than looking into friedman and how Robbie is doing I’ve done some other things.
Having not talked with him since Friday I snagged Mr. J at lunch. Got to actually sit on the bench and have a good 15 minute chat which is unheard of for most people. But anyway. Progress: The tech guy fixing the mpower needed to order some parts to do the saderwing and so he’ll continue to check in with him. Seems like a solid reliable worker. The fact that he’s remotely interested still shocks me.
He will take over the HP warantie stuff. At first he was like I’ll talk to stephanie. I thought this meant try to give her some pointers and then send her back to it which I firmly stated would not work I think he realizes this and said he’d take it from there once he updated her.
I then decided to take the chance and said I thought Stephanie was just weird. Like she’s come into my life and assummed she knows what I need to work on, what my past around these issues has been like and in spite of this I must press forward anyway.
Like she lectured me for an hour about using the cane more in a building and population where while yes technically blind people should have their canes at all times, it’s often not practical. People won’t move aside, elavators are so crammed that the cane or backpack even feels like one extra extension of me. She wanted me to go take paratransit by myself in a particular situation, the dentists where had I I would have been standing alone on the street for an hour. I think she thinks I’m too much on Jess which isn’t the case. Our relationship is extremely complex to grasp and some never do. It takes a special person like Edith or Nakia or Jonathan to take the time to get it. She doesn’t have that open quality of witnessing of just being with me as Edith did where I felt I could say anything and she wouldn’t freak out or lecture.
Jonathan said this is a goal in itself me being assertive while I’m pretty calm and not in the heat of emotion. I just feel resigned now. If she wants to go on and on about whatever and if I have to make consessions I’ll do whatever small thing just to get her out of my hair. I’ve had plenty of experiences of caseworkers where this is the way you get through I’m willing to go ahead with it.
He said our problem was that she was giving me apples when I wanted oranges. Metaphorically. I’ve been thinking about it and it’s more like I’m not sure I want fruit at all I’m certainly tired of it from meals LoL! Or for that matter I’m not sure I want to even be in the store.
Deep down I feel she and Jonathan are probably right. That I need to be more independen and that I have a good comfort zone here. Not necessarily that my life is “too easy” and that I’ll “never be that mentally ill as I was back then,” I just feel that were I to move to another facility with more open hallways and less zoned out people I’d use the cane just fine.
One reason I’m not so firm on wanting to tell her what I want is I’m honestly not sure what I want. So these goals are as good as any for now I guess. I have no money to go out and do things like any kinda workshop or support group so the traveling by myself is limited as all of our travel is stuff we do together like shopping and the school.
But again I have no better ideas. Besides missing as I said Edith’s ability to read me and intuitively know how to sit and let me process. And by the end of a conversation I can feel better about something by talking it out with her because I felt free to say anything. I didn’t feel this free overnight but there wasn’t the huge struggle there is now or with any other chosen for me PRC because I chose her in the first place.
All this is just depressing. I think I’d have more goals and be more motivated if I were able to live someplace else. Not on my own, Jess and I couldn’t handle that even with support which I know would be sketchy due to the supposedly human service system that’s quite uncaring and tripping over itself. We have Edens to look into and another supportive living place. I’m very concerned actually terrified about not living in the safety of Albany care or another psych place should something happen. Particularly for Jess as things literally seem to spring from thin air. At the same time I feel I’d have more freedom of mobility at a facility where people really got it about being physically able to have the space clear and things like that. And I’d have more money to then do some more things. But the downside is I and Jess would have to fully manage our mental health and I believe physical healthcare. So it’s really a toss up. At least in IL. Then there’s the scarier idea of venturing to another state. There happens to be an assisted living program for psychiatric diagnosed people in NC. But I’m really really not about to fly to another state and settle at a program just because it’s the only one in the country. I learned that lesson. Therefore I’m generally restless on life. And since I have no better ideas will just let this lady do her thing. Fill out her forms and play along. Until I decide if I even want fruit apples or oranges or even if I want to go shopping.
My last downside of the day. Robert and I have been madly working on getting switched at birth audio described. Continuing to try our hardest to get people in the positions of power, at netlicks in particular to be able to give license for audio describers who are ready and willing to work with the show. The problem is we can’t seem to find the right people. And it kills me how some shows are so easily described. But even more frustrating I post to several blindness related groups and I’m totally ignored. Which me wonder if Robert and I are the only two crazy people that want this and that’s depressing.
So that’s about all. For now.
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