Really Really Sad News: Simon was put to sleep last night

So I got a horible phone call from Krissy this afternoon. I knew on friday that Simon had kidney disease (not kidney failure) and the stuff mom was doing for him. Well she likely wasn’t making it sound as bad as it was, because last night mom was on the phone with Krissy describing how Simon was like throwing up water, wasn’t eating couldn’t walk by himself etc. So they’re talking and Krissy’s like ok being reassuring but like well I have to do homework.
Well little does mom know she’s like on the highway home from maine at this point. This was her cat for 18 years. I guess she got there and it was horific. That’s where I heard how bad he was from her, I never knew it was that bad from mom. It must have been devastating because Krissy had just seen him a month ago. She said you could see it in his eyes he was just ready to go. She was trying to do all her little tricks to see if he’d react to her and stuff and it just wasn’t happening. Well they sat there for a few hours debating I guess mom wanted to hold off til morning in hopes that he’d come out of it. Which wasn’t just some wild emotional idea by the way. He’s come out of like a ton of issues! This crazy vet practice we went to my parents had to pay like a thousand dollars I think to get an x-ray of his colon! This place basically just wanted to charge people. But anyway yeah at that time he was really bad but he came out of it. I can think of like five or six different times that he’s had like life
threatening issues and just bounced back.
But Krissy was the best person for this not only because it’s her cat but objectively she knows animals. Hell it’s what she’s studdying. She knows all the signs of stuff she understands this kidney disease thing and so yeah. She said no she wasn’t gonna let him suffer another night. So she took him. And it was agony for mom. She said she held him in her arms like a baby. Went in there the vet was very nice and gentle explained everything gave them time to ask questions. And given this was like after midnight remember.
Krissy kinds of knows the basics of putting an animal to sleep. I guess it was done very gently and peacefully. To the point that my mom totally out of her mind with greif went to kiss his head. The body goes through twitching as the brain impluses are like shutting down. So she kissed him and it looked like he moved his head. She’s like he’s alive! Krissy’s like umm he died like five minutes ago sorry. Krissy’s at peace with it. She knew I think we all did that mom wouldn’t have done it. With our very first cat (my first cat actually but I never did get close to him because he was such a skitish thing) my gramma did it. And didn’t tell my mom. Which is kinda horible but my gramma isn’t the most emotionally tactfull person. Krissy said crying that she so badly wanted to wait so I could see him but knew he wouldn’t have lasted that long. She didn’t think he would have lasted until she was planning to come back home in november. It’s so weird to try to describe how I’m feeling. This is It. This is the thing that I’ve been having so much anxiety and so much depression over happening. I think as I talked to her on the phone I was just in total shock. At a certain point I just screamed I had to go and hung up. Jess cudled me. Her first thought was to get ativan in me which was smart. On our way out Krissy called again. She was really worried. That time we did end up talking and laughing about the animals in general. How Lucky usually growls at the vet carrier when we bring it home. He just sniffed at it. And did his usual meow at the ceeling bit. How Simon looked bored looking at this fish tank at the vet’s office. So yeah we ended on a good note for now. I give her soo much credit. For making that decission and coming home. When she had school and even a suicide walk to go to.
I’m glad she called instead of mom who couldn’t deal with my melting down. Or dad would have just been really detached about it.
And I’m glad they did it now not weeks down the line. Or worse just made up stuff about Simon until I finally whenever came home to visit and he wasn’t there. I doubt mom could
keep that up. She hates lying even a little harmless lie. She thinks there’s no such thing as a little white lie. But anyway.
For now I have ativan in me. I could tell the difference as it was kicking in because I stopped crying and was sort of calmish. Jess made another wise choice. We ordered out so I wouldn’t have to face the downstairs crowd. A couple years back when I was really in emotional crisis my caseworker not being too in tune sent me downstairs for lunch, without even a PRN in me at that point, and I was very very “not in control of my illness” as Mr. J would say. I grabbed a butter knife and started saying I wanted to kill people. That’s a whole other story but one no one wants to come near repeating again.
I’m glad I stayed upstairs. I ate and had my bath and now I’m just here. Will probably just do my usual stuff and see how things go. Right now I’m not having any feelings about wanting to go to the hospital. Or scratching. I do so wish Edith was here though. I think that’s maybe why I’m not falling apart more. Like I can’t just have a meltdown and scratch because there a
re no PRSCS who know a thing about me. It shows how well I’m doing to even have that insight. Before I would just have done it. But I will need to keep talking and stuff and right now only have Mr. J who I feel comfortable fully with.

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