still a kind of hard day but some good things and looking forward to my robbie visit

So today was ok. Still hard especially going down to lunch with the crowds and worrying about not getting the table we usually sit at which we did but still very chaotic.

Everythings up in the air with the computer but basically no one is sure if Jonathan had time to clone it and it went from stephanie to Jonathan to Josh the admin. I made it clear several times do not send it out until he comes back if we can’t figure out if stuff was backed up!

I hope they listen.

Am hoping that everything with paratransit picking me up and dropping me off the whole trip goes well. First time doing this in over a year by myself.

Did find the aetna caseworker to ask about aetna closing and left a message something I wanted to do for awhile.

Talked to my dad tonight. Mom was sleeping because her back is very sore. She originally needed two surgeries one to expand the out of line disks in her neck and the other her back. She really wants to get this second surgery done and has placed initial calls.

Dad teased me to death when I said I hadn’t gone out of the building for a walk or out at all since we went to Jess’s school last week. Just his silly dad self calling me a dope and saying what am I gonna do with you? LOL

The fresh air was good. No bugs or heat. Got an ice cream bar and a present for Mr. food hound.

The conversation with my dad was really depressing. We had moved on to talking about me wanting to visit. He said as he always does about that they can’t afford it. I said quite emotionally though I wasn’t crying that when I moved out I had no idea it would be this hard to visit home or have them come see me. He said he didn’t either. They had had debt and stuff before I left and things seemed ok. But I guess they got behind in their bills and things got really bad so worse than the other time. As an example he said he can’t even pay the $400 to fix his car. This makes me feel extremely guilty and sad as my mom gives me $100 at least once if not twice a month to supliment the $30 and whatever I can save. It’s a struggle with Jess going to school and she can’t physically take the l no way with her disabilities. Wish paratransit was free like public is.

So yeah really made me depressed and just wondering if I’ll see them before they sell the house. All I wanted to do was go over for a few days hang out show jess my home watch tv eat good food. Have krissy drive us around town to favorite stores/ places. We wouldn’t need anything special. As he had mentioned that if they came out here it would make the money issue worse as he wouldn’t be working at the time. So I said better to just have to pay for the flights and then not have to take time off. He still said he couldn’t do it.

It’s heartbreaking and I feel I’m contributing to the problem by needing money. I just can’t physically handle eating the food here half the time. And then my body goes into extremely weak sick to my stomach mode. And jess does fully contribute to paying for the rides to her college but with each of us getting only $30 it’s really tough.

To avoid a stupid bank fee I have $20 transferred automatically into my savings each month. Which will at least build up. But I had to take some this past month in the beginning of oct. Because I overestimated how much I had and when the check cleared from rent I would have had nothing so had to add some to the account. Then used some to order out to stop me physically being weaker and upset stomach. And no staff don’t care or help or anything.

Having fruit and jello isn’t meals.

Anyway just hard conversations.

Seeing Robbie will brighten my whole day tomorrow. Will have a lot to say at that point.

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