Long wednesday

Today was a very long day.
I had a difficult confusing conversation with someone on one of my e-mail lists. We were not on the same page, or even same book. I think we were on different sides of the libarry. A mutual friend untangled the mess but without ever meaning to, or even knowing it, the person really hurt myfeelings. It’s just a sensitive subject where it feels like if I get anything less than empathy it’s just too much. It’s overwhelming anyway, the subject itself. And I thought he was saying something he wasn’t.
So yeah that was basically the whole morning. The conversation didn’t take all morning me talking to mutual friend did.
Then right before lunch I lost my favorite rock! The one that keeps me tied to this earth and not bouncing off the walls in a meltdown.
So that was bad.
This afternoon have been on facebook and did a book review which was good.
I got an early christmas present! Beautiful Cabbage patch baby dolls from Jess. They were sitting out and someone came in and commented on them. Jess thought I heard the conversation but I didn’t, but that person did find my rock! And I guess she just couldn’t keep the surprise to herself. Anyway they’re absolutely cuddly and have very nice clothes.
So I’m very happy about this!
I’m trying to remember other stuff I did today but really can’t LOL! I know it felt important at the time!
So now will be doing volunteering and hope that goes well. Just felt like a very long day.
My mom will know about her back surgery today or at least will have talked with the surgion so next blog will probably mention that.


Book Review: A Small Boy’s Cry by Rosie Lewis



book link: https://www.amazon.com/Small-Boys-Cry-Rosie-Lewis-ebook/dp/B00IC2LGM4I just finished reading a short story by foster carer Rosie Lewis

Three year old Charlie comes to Rosie in the middle of the night as an emergency placement having fell from a third story window and injuring his head. He is withdrawn and scared. Rosie comforts him and puts him to bed. In the morning her two biological children Jamie and Emily, and her foster child Phoebie (from Trapped) are excited to have a little one to play with.
Charlie needs a lot of physical affection and reassurance from Rosie but soon warms up to the safe family environment. Though even after the two weeks with the family he still shows signs of trauma responses, startling and hiding in the bathtub when remembering his parent’s fighting.
Rosie also witnesses contact between him and his mother which is truly heartbreaking to witness. After two weeks Charlie is moved to another set of long term carers. This story shows the impact that anyone working with children can have on them in a very short amount of time. There are many other short stories of hers that I will eventually review. I often wish they were full length books and wonder how she, and other foster carers who choose to do both, know when to write a full length or short story.

Free job posting boards are not actually free!

So today’s activity ended up being trying to find a new home for the PRSC job posting.
One of my joys in life is networking for the psychiatric rehabilitation services job which I’ve talked about on here. I was wondering why when I reopened the job this last time I got not a word. Jonathan and I thought it was the holidays.
Well yesterday I really loooked into it and when I found the link I had been sending people before and looked at it it said it couldn’t be posted. Turns out that’s because you need to have the job sponsored. I guess my free trial expired though I had no ida it was a free trial.
So have been looking online. All these different job places, like monster and linked in (where I have a nice profile by the way!) have huge costs. Like hundreds of dollars for one post!
Jonathan’s really old school and literally uses like the paper to get applicants. Or maybe craigslist. He’s claimed in the past that he wouldn’t be able to handle sorting out the huge amount of resumes but he was very impressed with the indeed results as I did all the sorting. He might be impressed but certainly not want to pay for a job posting either!
Even this free job posting site, literally called that, after I signed up and posted it it said I’d only get “some” applicants for free. Someone from there wrote me saying they had five quality applicants right then! about ten minutes after I posted the thing, if I’d just pay like $15 or somethinggg! So I wrote him bacfk and asked exactly how much was “some.”
So if anyone has any idea about any places that are actually free and not just say they are that would be great!
Other than that have been just hanging out. Got much better sleep last night. But that was the main activity of the day and would be great to find another resource. Really mad at indeed right now!

Very lazy monday

SoI was caught right after posting this!
I then actually woke up a few hours after I was tucked in and was up from like before five to eight when I had breakfast.
I spent that time reading. Don’t have anything interesting on my braillenote so was reading over old journals. I found one when I was 19! Boy was I mess. I’m surprised I didn’t have a breakdown then. Well I did, at eighteen and was on zoloft for it would have been a year or so but still no other meds and errigular therapy because my mom kept saying she couldn’t pay Dr. Lentz so in the end I only saw her once a month. So yeah that was interesting to read people say not healthy to read back. But I think it’s vital to keepa record and good things can be found in looking through things like this that capture the day to day details of what’s happening. Probably just not in the middle of the night!
So of course crashed after breakfast. My morning nap was not nearly long enough to make up for all those hours. I like cdould hardly move when Jess woke me up. So we decided to order out pizza even though we’ve had so much of it. We got enough to have dinner up here too so that’s good.
My stuff finally came in from walmart.com That site is crazy. Amazon is way better. Anyway that completes my presents for one bestie. Now for the other before he leaves his sister in the dust headed to see his dream guy in FL!
But did i mention he got me a victor stream? A siber monday deal. So yeah that will be epic. But I’ll have to like learn it myself noo!
So yeah it’s been a productive afternoon. Like I said so nice to just chillax. I had another nap after lunch til two thirty when Jess said if I didn’t get up now I wouldn’t sleep again tonight.
So I did a lot of online stuff that I was very happy with. Other than that not much else to say. Hoping I sleep better tonight.

Sneaking on here to do my weekend update

Shhh it’s after midnight!
I’m supposed to be sleeping but can’t. Jess has a real thing about me not being on the computer past eleven.
Anyway my weekend. Well saturday was weird. Albany food, sausage and/or potato stuff made me throw up. That was terrible. I hardly ever throw up. At least I didn’t make a mess!
So Jess was good and got crackers and gatorade for me. I took a hot bath because I felt totally gross and then just chillaxed. Actually right after it happened Jess said I should ask Martha the nurse about geting pepto for my stomach. I really didn’t want to because I was afraid I’d just throw it up. But she said that she thought it was a good idea. And she checked my vitals too. So that did make things better.
By dinnertime I was back to myself and ate a full meal. Sometimes this happens with the food here I have no idea why. It really shouldn’t!
Today was very productive. Am loving my mental health treatment review blog. Working hard to build general resources, describing types of services putting up my own reviews of places I’ve been. I know I’ll get followers and contributors in time.
So wrote an awesome post about types of therapy.
Then did some facebook stuff and e-mailed people. Did some intense volunteering tonight. Likely why I’m having trouble sleeping. Jess notices that whenever I do that even if it’s only a little it keeps me up even if I’m not really thinking about it. Who knows. Wow it looks like I can get to the end of this before she wakes up! This reminds me of the game Don’t wake Daddy!
So yeah felt good about today. Oh updated my bookshelf on goodreads so you can see all that I’ve read. And Robbie is geting me a victor stream for christmas! Love ya robbie. Sad news is he’s off to FL for the holiday boo. I’ll miss him soo much!
Hoping for a good week. Hopping to see Stephanie. Really haven’t seen her since that talk we had where we really connected. Sad that we lost momentum there.

Because this is a series it’s important to have read, or at least know some about where we left off.
I’m posting my review of Crank below.

So assuming you finished this one. We’re left with Christina on her deck shortly after giving birth to a son Adam. She seems to be in a place of love for her child, to the point that she feels she would never consider the monster, Meth again. She sees that despite the circumstances of his conception, her child is the best thing to ever happen to her. Her family’s initially outraged, but then forgiving response made her realize the power of family having your back even after lying and pushing them away
for so long.

The book starts a few months later. Kristina is less clear now on her plan going forward. She needs to get her GED and a job. Though she’s weeks away from turning 18 she’ll have no freedom without these things. However a bigger problem is that she’s bored. It’s hard for me to take this in. She was the one who chose to keep this helpless baby who didn’t ask to be born certainly to an irrisponsible girl still a child herself. She decides that maybe the monster could help her with that. Being bored feeling fenced in, not being able to take family life or being a mom or school. It’s as if she runs on excitement, doing things being around people and the thrill it seems of living dangerously.
She starts with good intentions. Reassuring herself and us that she is just gonna get a little meth. That if she took a hit in the morning it would help her get up in the morning especially after long nights feeding Hunter. That if she took some at around dinner time it would help with handling the family issues that so get under her skin.
She of course has to lie her away out of the house. Very sincerily talking to mom about not having been out at all since Hunter was born. That she needs some space and time to herself. You shoulda thought about that before you had a baby! It’s this “hey it’s not my problem” attitude she has towards Hunter that hurts the most as a reader.
So she tells her mom she’s going an hour away to some town. To see a friend that goes to a college she might want to go to. A college fair. And then would likely stay at a hotel. Her mom seems to buy this and gives her the cash.
She meets up with Robyn, one of her supliers in the past. While waiting hours for her to arrive she meets Trey. And is struck by her atraction for him in the same way she was for Adam. Eventually Robyn does come over. They partake in the goodies, stay up all night on the high side. Then at one point Robyn shoos Kristina out and she knows that she and Trey are probably dating.
Kristina knows she shouldn’t be jealous never was even planning to meet up a guy and crank it out socially, but here she is in that very place she was in the beginning Still she resolves to monitor her use. Which she does for a few weeks. But it’s still not enough. So she calls Trey back. They go to his Cousin Brad’s house. Brad has two little kids, his wife Angela left the family at some past unknown point. Anyway they get more suplies and are off.
Time passes she gets more into dealing and geting money only to spend on the monster. Doubts about her life do go through her head but nothing strong enough to emotionally break down the barrier between her and those she loves especially her baby, that her adiction has created.
She often talks about her non relationship with Hunter. She claims that it’s her mom’s fault that Hunter doesn’t really bond with her as her mom took over. This is the most frustrating part hearing her say these things. And later even worse things like when having to move to Brad’s house, making calls to home and not ever asking about her own son.
As time goes by her parents get more and more suspicious. The last straw in terms of Christina and Hunter is when she is “crashing” withdrawing from meth, she falls asleep while six month hunter is on a quilt. He rolled off and fell under a chair. So much in unconsciousness she doesn’t wake up. Until her mom grabs her and pushes her out the door. This is the best thing her mom did. Before her mom was too overcome with hurt, sadness, helplessness, and frustration to do anything. This telling her not to come back til she’s sober is the right decision.
Christina sits in her car before the low wears off and she’s able to get buzzed again. Trey is at college. She calls Brad the cousin. She tells everything and he reluctantly agrees to have her stay in an upstairs room the same one where they partied and she and Trey had sex.
This arangement seems to work out, in the warped way things “work out” for an adict. She does have the responsibility as “the Nanny” for Brad’s kids. But she has no family of her own to answer to. She has the best meth in town. And eventually through their mutual loneliness sex with brad.
Sex withBrad? Sex with trey? As a reader I don’t care, she should be seeking help not lost in love with druggies.
She eventually does find a job at seven elevin down the street. With some shady characters who turn out to be good meth customers. She even frightenling runs in to her rapist. It is clear the need for glass (a new type of meth you smoke that looks like glass) is stronger than anything else when she does a deal with him.
She spends months this way. Ocassionally seeing Hunter. h He’s not very high on her concern radar. Eventually of all things, Angela Brad’s ex walks in the door. The kids are delighted, Christina no longer has a home.
She’s in a motel where you stay by the week. She is beyond depressed and hopeless. It was sitting by the river that Hopkins ha has ascene where the river is talking to her telling her to jump in. She pulls herself away. Knows that she does want to stay alive somehow.
Eventually Trey does come home from school and realizes that Christina needs a place to stay as does he. So they get an apartment. She never did get another job once moved out to Brad’s area. And all money goes to Glass. But Trey has something to put on the application thanks to Brad lying that he’s working for him at an honest job.
After settling in they want to have hunter move in. Very reluctantly her mom agrees. It’s trouble from the first minute and just as it didn’t work out at home, she can’t handle not just the responsibility but I feel the ability to have to focus on something other than meth and many lovers. It seems like she has no inner guidance or hopes for any kind of future including her child. So it’s not surprising when Hunter falls out of a chair he’s now about a year old, she does the smart thing and gives him back. At this point her mom tries again to stand her ground. Says that Christina can not call unless she gets help.
She doesn’t see this as a problem. Until things get really bad on the meth front. Needing costumers that just aren’t pouring in. And just not having money. She makes a decision to steal from her mom. Checks and jewelry. This works for awhile. But just when she and trey are driving to California to make a fresh start they’re cauth by the polece. The box of glass is easy to find and open.
They are both sent to jail. Christina might get less time if she turns in the mexican meth dealers. And she finds out after a thorough exam that she is pregnant again! She hopes she can have the baby before leaving jail. Hopes a lot of things. Her last ccomment summs everything up. “It’s a lot to hope for but I’ve always been an optomist.”
Her way of thinkin is that she really could control substances that literally change brain and physical development. And now at another life changing path it’s doubtful to a discerning reader that there will be any hope at all.
The book was just as well written and recorded as the first. As I said before I found it extremely hard sometimes not even posible to empathize with her. Because now that a baby is in the picture that changes everything. It would have been nice to see her actually geting help. Whether it’s a 12 step group, therapist or even a short rehab program. That way even if she spiraled again at least she had the insight at one point to try and recover seriously. Having that baby, the whole hearted love and regret andother emotions that go with it, I thought would be enough for her to even try. And it wasn’t.
I also had a hard time that her family wasn’t firmer with her on things. Her mom stood her ground on somethings. By the end of the book she was applying for guardianship. It remains to be seen how this will affect Hunter. Or any other children she has. The last book in the series is about the kids she did have and how they’re doing as teens.
I think it’s a great read. Emotional. Really brings a lot home about adiction, being a teen mom (or not) the ways we justify even the worst actions.
Again Bree is central to this. Is Bree an alter? At times Christina is firm that it’s jujst a part of herself that she has control over. But at other times there are in depth exchanges between the two and it makes one wonder who is really in control.
Would love to hear others thoughts. I will read the last book but not right now. I needa c hristina break!

Book Review: Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas Forde



Audible link:
very fascinating slightly disturbing, but true to life journey of a teen boy discovering his sexuality and the roots of his depression.
Fifteen year old Jeff wakes up from his suicide attempt feeling like he’d been peacefully floating through space and now has crash landed on Earth once again. He is greeted by Dr. Katzrupus (who he right away calls Cat poop) who tells him that he’s in the psychiatric unit. If this weren’t bad enough he then learns that his parents signed him up to stay for forty five days to help figure out what caused this crisis.
On the unit there are five patients at a time a mix of males and females. He does schoolwork while there. There was one mention of arts and crafts but the daily schedule seems to be eating, watching tv, family therapy once a week, a group daily.
Jeff is an extremely scarcastic dude with a very warped sense of humor. For one his pet name Cat Poop. I kinda can have that side to me too, and have called professionals I don’t like my own private names but nothing to do with poop. And maybe it’s because I love cats but I just can’t deal with that. So I’m calling him Dr. Katz.As a side note by the end of the book he does correct himself and uses the Dr.s full name which shows he finally respects him.
So for the first couple weeks respecting anyone is not on his agenda. He just keeps quiet makes funny, in a crazy sort of way, observations about the other patients and staff. Because of course there really isn’t anything funny about a psych unit, but there kinda is (I’ve been to three) you have to just read it. But I laughed out loud many times.
So as you can guess Dr. Katz is on to him constantly about why he’s here. And he gives him a hard time with his jokes and not taking anything serious and making up crap. After a while Dr. Katz gets his number and just ignores the silliness. Which hey as long as Jeff can get out of sessions early all the better. He said he’d rather do school work than talk.
There was one girl Sadie who he connected with. She tried to drown herself. She seemed ok enough to him though. Outgoing and funny kind of like him joked around a lot. They would play this game where they’d watch tv with the sound off (and apparently closed caption as well) and pretend to be the characters in the movie and based on their actions make up dialogue. This was funny too.

Things don’t really get hard for Jeff until Rankens comes in. He’s a self described jock. He claims he was brought to this program so his parents could figure out why he didn’t want to play football anymore. Jeff thinks this is a weird thing to do although he admits he must look weird too with his scars and still not having opened up.
The real action of the book happens while Rankin is at the unit. It was to do with sexual things taking place between him and Jeff and once between Jeff and Sadie. Things that I believe would not happen at any psych unit I went to or that I know of. They might start to happen but not to the point they got in this book. I’m hoping I’m right. I’m hoping one doesn’t go to a psych unit only to then have sexual things venvolve them.
There’s another terrible thing. Which aggain I really hope even more does not happen at any psych units hospitals or anywhere at least not often at all! You’ll have to read to find out but it’s really bad. All these events, which are pritty traumatic force Jeff to open up. So it’s only at about the last week of the forty five day program that he actually shows his feelings. And uses therapy to discuss what’s brought him here. Relationships back home and his sense of his sexuality. This part of the book I feel was handled very well. And I like that he’ll be seeing Dr. Katz as an outtpatient because I highly doubt any other therapist would have the shere patience to not explode in frustration given what comes out of Jeff’s mouth. I think Jonathan my therapist should have him as a client it would be fun to read about that!
I thought it was interesting reading about a guy’s point of view on being in a psych unit because for whatever reason all the other books I’ve read about this topic it’s been a female point of view. Those who have actually first hand experience will notice details that are off. Like how does insurance automatically pay for a forty five day program right after admission? And for an in depth program you would think there would be way more groups and types of therapy and therapists. Which might have helped Jeff if they had another one who really called him on his shit or who was so horible to talk to for whatever reason, that they made Dr. Katz seem awesome.
And then there are the disturbing incidents on the unit. There was talk of one of the security guards having to watch over two separate units. Which I don’t think would happen anywhere I know of. The point being that when this guy was on the other unit there was no one else on Jeff’s unit but the nurse who usually just sat there at her desk.
Yes sadly these things that happened likely have and do happen. But they’re rare! Someone who has no idea of what being in a psych unit is like will be totally terrified to read this book! Because it confirms fears, at least that I had about being hospitalized before I was. About being hurt by other patients. So that I feel is a huge mistake on the author’s part to set up Jeff’s opening up like that. The author could have done the same thing without bringing in patient on patient sex. Or for that matter a patient death. Oh! sorry gave it away!
So it’s a good read in a lot of ways. I do think some of the content is triggering. And I can’t get over as I said the author’s choice of what happened on the unit. I guess it brings up a thought i always have that the author needs to totally research what they’re writing about. I love books about people being in therapy or hospitals or treatment. Because it’s so little known. People know these things exist. But there are all kinds of myths about therapy and psych hospitals that are just not true. Other books I’ve reviewed have done well to show both the positive and negative aspects of any treatment/ therapy, because that’s life. While showing that it’s not overdramatic like the movies or that you’re a prisoner or something. Showing the good and the bad but accurately.
I think we need to advocate to young adult authors on this. Or as scary is it seems perhaps we, those who have come through treatment and have gained perswpective could write a fictional account in our own book/ work with a very sensitive and compassionate author for that and other information to be gatherred. If I could talk to a young adult author I’d be glad to have them use my experiences for a book. But that’s me Sammy the oversharer. I tell my story to anyone who asks even on paratransit LOL!
Am looking forward to others thoughts on this book and on advocateing around young adult authors geting correct information.

My albany care review and more on mental health treatment review please follow this blog!

Hi everyone,
To hopefully get followers over to my second blog, mental health treatment review, I’m posting the review I did of albany care. It will show you the format of how a review could go, however people can do it how they like.
Remember this isn’t about the person doing the review unless you have questions So if you want to say I’m an epic writer you can say that on this blog but on the other one it’s only questions or general comments about the facility or your own review as a comment.
So it’s not about personal discussions just presenting information.
So here’s the link
Please read and if you’re not subscribed (thank you to my first two subscribers!) please do so. And ask away! review away.
On the first page is a post called general review guidelines and questions
Under this post you would ask any general questions about accessing any kind of mental healthcare. And most importantly say things like could someone do a review of whatever place you’re interested in. And I will then make a post with that information. And underneath the person can review. And am hoping to get lots of reviews for the same place! If you’d rather not post your review under your wordpress name you can make up a name when filling out the comment section or contact me and I’ll post it for you.
OK so pritty please share!

A Very good thanksgiving

Hey everyone,
So I have to say I had a wonderful thanksiving yesterday. Going out to Old Country Buffet was just the right place because you could get small portions of a lot of different things and take your time.
The ride there was longer than I remembered. When we got there it was an hour after they opened so not that crowded.
We took pictures of everything. Not sure h how to upload photos or if people want that, I know many of my readers are blind so photos are just a pain.
Anyway I had: turkey, more turkey with cranberry sauce, macaroni and chees, stuffing I didn’t like, mashed potatos I didn’t like, a muffin, ice cream, sweet potatos, and cherry pie, and cookies.
So yeah I was pritty full!
The ride home was a nightmare. We had to do a pick up and then drop that person off. I tried to not go impatiently crazy by listening to the paratransit people talk on the radio. Do you know if you find your driver and say hey I have to go to the bathroom or brab my bag or something I’ll be right back. That counts as a no show! I couldn’t believe that. Well I can with this one woman she told the person from pace on the phone that she’d be right down she needed to get dressed LOL! But other stuff it’s like OMG I’m really glad I’ve never had that happen.
So we finally got home an hour later. I took my bath. Got in my jamas. Did some online volunteering I was happy to help out on a holiday. And then got to skype with my parents and lucky!
The last time we tried on my hp the screen was doing that slowly breaking thing. And their internet was weird or something so it hardly worked. But this time it did and we talked for well over an hour. I talked their ear off on everything and it was just a really good time. Jess saw Lucky and meowed at him before he ran off.
My dad says if I read a book, that’s not one of my normal depressing ones he’ll read it too! To say he’s not a reader is an understatement. I got really excited at the time about certain books in high school. So I brought them home for him to read and they just sat there. I’d try to read to him and he’d zone out of fall asleep. In early college life at Middlesex community my books didn’t come in on time so he or mom had to read to me. In terms of actually treading the book he’s better mom gets words all mixed up and it sounds weird and makes no sense. She does that when she talks. Like for the word sarcastic she says saicastic.Yesterday we were talking about the town selectmen and she said selectment So yeah.
So for him to OMG read anything will be epic! Watch him forget after like by the end of the call.
But it was really good.
So yeah a really really good day.

Looking forward to thanksgiving!

Just a quick lighter post as I know I’ve been posting some pritty intense stuff lately.
Jess and I are thrilled about tomorrow. Robbie isn’t a picky eater. But when I brought him here for thanksgiving he hardly ate a thing. Then I knew it wasn’t just us that couldn’t stand the food! I’m sure they tried their best but yeah. In past years we went with the Ihop crew. But starting last year we decided to give other residents a turn to go on that special trip. We went to old country Bufetwhere I’d gone before with people at FP. We loved etting as much food as we wanted for $25 each.
So I’m looking forward to the two hours of eating, and not rushing, and talking and relaxing in a hopefully not crowded restaurant.
I think about my family. At one point we tossed around us coming to visit for thanksgiving. Then Jess had doctors apointments that same week and my mom’s back started doing really bad. Still I miss not being there. I can’t believe the year I went to a thanksgiving held by a group I had been a part of rather than my family’s. All the years I avoided them I considered justified, and now I wish they were around and easy to visit.
Anyway just wanted to wish all my readers a happy day tomorrow! I know it can also be a difficult day for many, p past memories coming to the surface and loneliness so take care of yourselves.