Hating my mental illness

Trigger mention of self-harm

So today was a hard mental health day for me. Talking about new things, even stuff I really want to do that I’m uncomfortable with brings up a lot of anxiety. And everyone’s saying.. yeah join the rest of the world!

But it’s different. It’s like my whole body is flooded with anxiety like the thing I’m talking about/ thinking of doing is happening right now or has to happen right now whether I’m ready or not. I have to do things around it this minute because if I really want it I need to just go for it and prove I can, and just do everything because that’s just how you do life! Says my parents. Ya know my mom’s have no regrets thing. And they always have told me I’m so intelligent I should just go for *everything!

So while all that’s happening there’s another thing. Seeing other people, with my same disabilities doing what they want and need to do in spite of everythings makes me hate my limitations. Let’s just say it makes me hate myself. For not being able to. And yeah I know you can’t compare yourself to other people because everyone is different and you’re not in their head ETC.

But you do get compared to others especially when you’re in a minority group. I had two other blind people in my town/ the town nearby, the concord area is like suburbia central a lot of towns like practically touching one another.
Anway this one girl was super well together I guess. Irish, played the violine. Went ot washington for speech and debate. Was like doing everything everywhere! She helped me with braille one summer. So ever since then my mom was like why can’t you be like Tarace. Not sure about the spelling! So that made me feel bad and weird because obveously I’m not her and just yeah.
Then there was Mary. She was blind too with other things going on. I heard perhaps autism? That made certain things really hard and other things easy. She played the piano memorized all this music loved to sing. But also apparently had a lot of issues as I said, with mobility like would get turned around in her own house and stuff. I probably shouldn’t have heard this stuff but daily living skills teacher, mobility teacher, technology teacher all working in the same general area with a small population of blindies.

So with Mary it was like in some ways I was just like her, there were whispers between teacher and mom about I guess I was like her in the weird ways. And other ways they wished I was like her in the musical positive ways.
So yeah you actually do get compared by professionals in the disability world.

Of course today and always my friends are reassuring. And I know for a fact I can only take so much. It’s not a question of being pushed to do something. I’ve earnestly tried and have at times pushed myself. I can only get through it by cutting. I can’t just neatly talk about some feelings and then go on with my day, fit it into a therapy session or whenever a compassionate person happens by. In order to be like presentable to the world I have to cut to calm down my whole system. Because my face doesn’t lie and there’s no other way for me to like totally settle down. Except maybe ativan but of course before moving here I wasn’t on that.

So anyway just food for thought. What does help is Jonathan’s aproach the talking *about talking about the overwhelming things.

Example: We’re gonna talk about me moving out. With the knowledge that in no way am I moving out any time soon. We’re just talking about talking about it. It’s not the how am I gonna move out discussion it’s the pre-discussion. Theoretically, what would I need to do? what would work what wouldn’t work? Even then I still get emotional. Better now than later. He’s always saying we’re learning something him included. Like we were having this talk once I think about how I hadn’t self-harmed in awhile, and then it made me want to cut right then. Don’t ask. So yeah. But that’s what’s worked.

He figured that out the hard way when a few months into our relationship he tried to tell me I’m “the star of the facility” and it would really benifit me to get a job around here, not paid but yeah. Like use my talents. Well I got all mad at him and myself about how could he say that knowing I’m like fresh out of a breakdown? And why couldn’t I just start using my talents again already! So the next week he was like we have to be able to talk about things knowing that there’s no pressure from anywhere (most of all yourself) to do anything. It might sound like it wouldn’t be effective. But nothing else has worked. And it’s slow but I’m slow. It takes a long time for me to process things.

So this will be an interesting discussion. The latest being the whole where to learn ASL VR thing. He does know ASL by the way! But considering how hard it is to pin him down each week for therapy I couldn’t imagine spending extra time with him trying to teach me. And the one time he tried it was like that game where you take a piece of paper and fold it one way and it becomes one thing, and then fold it another and it’s something else and just keeps going.

“This is the letter f. See? F. Now if you turn it this way you say french fries. French fries and want to know how to say hamburger? Want to know how to say pizza? Remember what the f looked like?”Ahh way too much information all jumbled up. I’m hoping that’s not the way the book his ex threw at him, literally, taught him. That was the last time I had him show me any signs at all. And I did get a kick out of him trying to watch Nai’s video and not being able to understand any of it. So yeah probably not the best teacher. I’m trying to imagine him signing how he speaks, like going on tangents and stuff so that must be interesting. But anyway he could like have ideas. But I’m still not sure if he really thinks I can learn it either. But we’ll see. He is one for creativity. So yeah I’ll run it by him.
If I can actually see him. It won’t be this week. Sadly.
So yeah just venting away that’s what you get for reading my blog you’re my captive victems of Sammy chatter.
It was all and all like I said before a great day! Great connections with important people as I mentioned and hey I didn’t cut. But emotionally exhausting. And I did things backwards doing my nap in the afternoon instead of the morning and it just doesn’t feel right.


5 thoughts on “Hating my mental illness

  1. Dear Sam, that comparison thing is so deadly. At least I don’t have anyone in my life telling me I should be more like so-and-so. But that voice is in my head. I suffer from PTSD, although I didn’t find that out until about 2001. And lots of people with PTSD are out there functioning much better than I am. Actually the thing you describe about being flooded with anxiety sounds like PTSD to me. I don’t know if that’s part of your diagnosis. The thing of getting overwhelmed is something that happens to me too, but I’m getting better at backing off. I did cut myself at one time, But I was luckier than you, I was able to stop. which to me means that the behavior is rooted more strongly in your wound than it is in mine, not that you are a weaker person. I am sure that you were wounded, and you may also have been born with certain disadvantages, but you are not a weak or lazy or cowardly person that things are so hard to do. It’s just that your wounding is invisible to most people around you. O dear, I hope this helps, I hope it doesn’t make you feel worse. I really feel a sisterhood with you, and send you blessings on your journey. love, Jenny

    • Aww what a lovely comment! Yes I do have PTSD from emotional abuse. Thanks for saying that about being a sister even though we’ve never met I’m glad my blog touches you so deeply

  2. I hate the comparing thing. over here the blind community is small, and everyone knows everyone! its a nightmare. its like why aren’t you a lawyer like so and so, or why didn’t you achieve this or that like this or that person. drives me nuts! xx

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