Not feeling connected to Stephanie at all

Hey again,
So if you’re observant about my mental healthcare and the people in my life you’ll notice I haven’t said a word about Stephanie, my PRSC in forever. That’s because I haven’t seen her in forever!
Remember that conversation we had I swear it was over a month ago, when Mr. J said say anything in your head to her and I pegged her on being too clinical. And we got on a better page with our relationship.
Well since then I have seen her a little. She was good one time and had another PRSC come tell me that she would not be there on a meeting day. Which was very touching and reminded me of somethingg Edith would do regularly. She did some other nice thing like that but I can’t remember it.
I know we may have had one or two meetings since the big talk but I honestly can’t remember much about them!
The issue is for some reasons, our appointments like don’t happen. She says she’ll come at a certain time, (I’ve long time had a system where PRSCS come to myroom instead of me going to the office, but she just doesn’t show up. She may e-mail the next day or next week. but it’s like she’s not all that concerned. She unlike any other staff even Jonathan, uses e-mail as a primary way of communicating. Which is usually totally discouraged but since I can’t exactly write notes and put them under a staff’s door they made an allowance. You just can’t say major things that need to be discussed in person like if you’re in crisis. Even so most have let me use e-mail to organize my thoughts and then we’ll discuss it later.
But she’s constantly doing these appointment sorting out things through e-mail. So when she is here and she hasn’t seen me say that day, Edith and other staff I would think, would make a point to find me and see if I’m ok just check in. But she never does at all. In fact I don’t h hear her paging that much. There are times I hear her walking down the hall outside my door talking to people but she never stops by.
She seems to always have an excuse, don’t know if that’s the right word, for why we miss meetings. It’s usually that things get so busy and she just has to do other things. We tried friday nights for awhile after dinner. That was hit or miss. She said it was due to the weekend being so busy and everything. Once or twice we tried a weekend day when she was in but that didn’t pan out either.
I think we did try a tuesday week night and aggain she said that things are just crazy at night.
So we’re trying a wednesday afternoon one to 2 and will see how that goes. If the afternoon is more or less chaotic for her. I’ve stressed now the thought that perhaps this office thing is the issue? She had a problem at first with coming to my room instead of being in the office. Because she thought it was unprofessional. Jonathan being the amazing supervisor that he is got her to open up and it was more about her thinking it’s not right rather than strongly feeling any way or another. Of course I wasn’t supposed to have that info!
So I have said ok if it takes going to the crazy office to see you I’ll go for it. Don’t want to but not seeing my PRSC regularly isn’t right.
The thing is I haven’t hardly seen her since that good talk and now it’s like we’ve gone backwards. I just don’t feel at all connected to her in any way. I could just easily get a new PRSC and may ask about it. Because if I truly needed support I would not go to her, nor would she come find me say if Jess was hospitalized, daily as others have.
I’ve never had this exact problem with any PRSC. Have some that have regularly come late to meetings but they have still come.
I just miss Edith so much. So I guess that’s what we’ll talk about when she’s there. Since I don’t know what else to say. As we haven’t met in forever I haven’t gotten the chance to try to let her in my life. Like with learning sign and stuff, I’ve told her some but by no means everything. And just yeah, with Edith and even other prscs I felt i could be honest about things, in the beginning they about dragged it out of me because my cutting was so bad. So I just don’t know. We’ll see what Wednesday brings.

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