Catching up on the past couple days down and discouraged

Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven’t written since Monday. I swear I wrote yesterday. Anyway it’s been a hard couple days. Geting hit with two friends in crisis at once really takes a toll. I try so hard to focus on the concrete problems, researching therapy for Jess discussing the pros and cons of different med changes. Feercely looking for anything I can help the social worker nail down for May. But this afternoon I just crashed.
Yesterday was uneventful. More phone calls to places where either no one answered the phone once I got transfered and then hung up on and just generally got nowhere. In between doing this stuff doing normal things like listening to audio books. I sure have plenty of books to choose from. Or being on facebook.
I love how surprised the staff are that psych hospitalizations last so long. Mary this one CNA keeps saying Oh Crap when she learns that Jess still isn’t home. She makes me laugh. She cares a lot.
Oh forgot yesterday Robbie and I spent forever trying to figure out e-mail stuff again. And today. It’s complicated because avast which is the best antivirus program for me is thinking NVDA is a virus. So it won’t let it update or us download NVDA remote which like is teamviewer but just for NVDA. That way he could get into my computer and do stuff. But avast is no longer a bit accessible and there was no sighted help at all. So we’re working around things. I admire his patience. He’s so used to solving problems quickly as before he could read the screen and now is trying to find work arounds and it’s really hard as sighted people seem like legit afraid of the computer! He had a huge laptop crash that thank goodness he convinced this lazy ass CNA to help him but it took forever.
It was the same today with the e-mail stuff. It like won’t download all the e-mail since July into outlook. Same if I try to create a new account it still won’t download everything. It says it’s trying but I would think I’d see mesages appearing as it’s downloading but it just says the same stuff then crashes and says internal error. Who knows this could have to do with avast too. Jess better be ready to have Robbie borrow her vission once she gets settled back home!
But even this is good distraction compared with the alternative. Things aren’t looking good for May.  Finally got ahold of center on deafness. The woman was extremely nice. She said that their women’s house only has room for four people. I joked that they needed to build new houses! She said they need state funding and then they could get more houses. I feel bad for her I imagine she gets a lot of similar calls for people seeking residentialwho are deaf and MI.
She couldn’t tell me any resources beyond the deaf program she does have a  caseworker for that the hospital social worker has been in touch with. They might have even come by. Not sure what they’re doing. Was told that many people who have been at chicago reed (just hearing the name makes me shutter) transition to  there bridge program. Chicago Reed is like the worst of the worst. It’s a state hospital if you can believe they still run those. I overheard Jonathan refferring a resident to Reed on discharge.
They do have a deaf/hoh unit but that’s the only plus for them. Have heard of horific violence and overmedicating like crazy. And it’s locked. This would be living hell for  May. I don’t want it to come down to this it just can’t. She has such a big personality and such a love for life, the outdoors interacting with people making connections. All that will get destroyed at a place like Reed. Edith said once that there have been residents who come here from Reed and have major PTSD on arrival.
I didn’t know this thing about the deaf unit but when Dawn said it I knew it was a strong possibility. They can’t keep her inpatient forever and every day she gets worse and worse emotionally. She also has physical problems like extremely bad possibly infected teeth that aren’t being taken care of very quickly or well.
I can’t blame her. I was her a few years ago. I wasn’t kicked out of friedman far from it! They badly wanted me back. They felt they could keep me safe just by being nice and loving with no clue about the reality of what I was going through. I think a short time down the line, just as staff here admitted they could no longer provide for Kat, FP would have come to that conclussion or I would have forced the issue. I was so fragile that I knew saying I’d go back there and be safe was the biggest lie.
The huge sticking point was the ignorant social worker at St. Jos and how he went about “selling me” as Jonathan would say. He probably lead with the blindness and made it such a big deal. I give Albany and Greenwood and Clayton, the three that did give me the time of day, credit for pushing past all his ignorance which was a huge barrier to me geting in.
I got in but I spent two weeks fighting this myself. Yes others said they wanted to help. But it often came from a place of panic about how I was doing, and I think their own fears and feelings projected on to the situation. So it was really a mess with at times people working against what I was doing.
I want to fight for Kat as hard as I can. I want to incourage every last friend she has to do the same. Her relatives are a no go. All she has is her sister who she hates and there’s no hope of anything healthy there. There’s a friend in a suburb and she would live with them but would feel dependent around transportation and things. She really does want to live in the city or something close to Chicago. So we’ll see. I’m trying to be hopeful I just don’t want her to suffer and she is now in the not knowing. She’s been through so much in her life with this terrible mental illness, and the meds causing the insurmountable seeming water condition. She has so many dreams for herself and her life things she’s aking to do in the world. But she won’t get there locked up and I’m afraid that’s the next step.
I tried to do some online volunteering but couldn’t really concintrate.
Oh sorry backup. I did see Stephanie at one fifteen as promised. I’m just pretty done with her. I’m not sure she can say anything right to me now. So much has happened. And the session proves she really doesn’t know me. I really didn’t have much of anything to say that I’d feel comfortable really going into. I did talk about being lonely and Jess and the new meds and therapy for her and stuff. She asked at one point if “do you and Jess ever talk about your struggles?”
If she had just met me that would be a perfectly good question. She’s known me, known of me at least for many months. And we’ve had many sessions where I’ve talked about Jess and our relationship. And how we make it work talking about different issues but of course knowing there are places to bring those so not to trigger each other. It’s the total not knowing that killed me.
Then she asked me if I liked hearing about my cats (I didn’t correct her, she must have forgot Simon died) or was it hurtful? Again whenever I bring up home it’s always about Lucky. I ask about him everyday sometimes many times! She’s just totally off on me like totally.
To her credit she seemed eager to help. She said she’d take me down to meals which can otherwise be problematic because people forget to come by and get me, as in remember that I need to go down at all. Even though this is staff’s job this is why Jess entered that particular situation. She offered to go for a walk to get snacks. I told her I didn’t trust her walking with me because she was so anxious about me falling and kept calling my cane a blind stick.
After I finally shooed her out of the room I cried to myself. This stupid meeting with this woman who knows zero about me just somehow captured the extreme loneliness frustration and discouragement I’m feeling about life right now. To be fair she’s trying I guess. I just know when I was with Anna it wasn’t about “trying to define her role in my life” there was no awkawardness or stiff clinical talking we just talked like two people working on issues in life. So I do want to switch. Jonathan says wait til after Jess gets settled in.
Anyway I slept for three hours. Took my bath and did some online stuff. Jess called. She’s doing ok. She’s having problem with a med she’s taking for something physical. So we’ll see about that. And she’s started the effexor instead of raising the zoloft. So she’ll be on both plus lamyctol and buspar. So we’ll see how that works.
The biggest challenge for her is finding therapy on medicaid where the person specializes in self-injury. Never mind finding any kind of art therapy as well. I just have a feeling she’ll get stuck with whatever person they throw her at some mental health center of poor quality.
So we’ll see.
The one good posible thing coming up is in corrisponding with Jessica from Clayton House she said they have an expressive arts fair. Just residents displaying their work and a musical performance. I’d love to go and meet her again, it’s been a few years and get a sense of the place. She also said perhaps I could do some one time peer support for them. Which we’ll talk about more after the holidays.
Sorry for the long post don’t have the energy to separate into different posts. Jess says friday is looking like discharge. I just want to make sure things are ok for her. It’s sad this hit her right at the end of the semester and holidays and everything. I hope we can have a good christmas together in spite of everything. It won’t be the same without Kat though.

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One thought on “Catching up on the past couple days down and discouraged

  1. that was a long post! sorry things are not going well for kat. I hope she gets into a place soon and can have help with her issues. glad jess is doing better. good your changing case workers. Stephanie seems to be clueless! xxx

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