Exploring a strange new intensity and focus/ more toy shopping

Did finally wind down last night. I went to read before ten and slept til six in the morning which was good for me.
I was happy to have finally wound down to a normal state of just being able to relax. I woke up feeling that same sharp clearness in my thoughts and just feeling up. Like just feeling incredibly creative and incredibly I don’t know just strangely on top of the world. Open to all kinds of new ideas I would soon find out.
I woke up with the thought. Why had I never figured it out before? Kat or any deaf person and I could communicate using those Braille magnetic letters that have raised print on them. I mean they’re raised shapes with Braille. But just OMG OMG why did I not think of this. It would be like any communication spelling board but it would be something. Even to just get across a couple words in person. I was overjoyed.
I wanted to buy those letters now. As I went online I thought about how I had them when I was really little with some kind of magnetic chalk board thing. I googled and sure enough they still had them. And only nine dollars pack. They have numbers too. I decided to get an extra pack of letters so we’d have more to work with.
Unfortunately I must have not entered in my newest credit card, after my last one went through the dryer LOL. So had to stop and think. And realized that I actually don’t need the letters right now. Sadly Kat isn’t here and I doubt Jo would want to do a sit down spelling things to me!
Getting more tools for my doll play is way more important.
So I was happy it didn’t go through. I’d transferred the money to be able to buy the two things we’re getting now. So I was glad about that.
I was buzzing with excitement. Eventually did have breakfast. Then hung out some more. Feeling into this new feeling. Sometimes it feels like something slipping through my fingers like when you’re supposed to be walking a dog and they just pull the leash right out of your hand. Would love to say walking a cat. But simon didn’t exactly run down the street in his harness!
I guess I could say it’s like having to rein in a horse which I have had a few experiences of. Learning how to use the Reins not that I was ever like thrown off or anything.
So it’s like that. Like I could feel all the energy building inside me and going off in all directions but somehow in the back of my mind I’m able to pull everything back into line and intentionally do one thing at a time. Decide I’m going to do something, think about something ETC and then move on to the next thing.
I’ve never had so much mental energy that it’s really gone off everywhere. And it’s a process. But I got the hang of it throughout the day. I was able to lay down and listen to a book on my victor player and actually took a peaceful nap.
Even when deep cleaning happened and we went to the sixth floor dayroom which Jess swears is usually quiet there were annoying people there. Playing loud music. I put in my really good noise blocking out headphones and listened to my player for awhile. But couldn’t stand it when he turned it up and then just kept playing it.
I asked if I could go to the room Jess is in. She said yes and that it is usually very good in there in terms of not that loud. And it wasn’t. You have the usual three other people in the room to deal with but two were watching tv and one was listening to the radio. I personally would get annoyed by the noise quickly but I did get used to it when I was in a four person and Jess has too.
I played with the dolls. Just held them and thought about their lives. And all the new things we can do soon.
Halway listened to disgusting Jerry Springer. The really lazy CNAS on three would have that and other annoying shows turned up to the max. Even on softly it was still too much. I have no idea why it’s even on like at all. But anyway.
We came back and rearranged the room. I find too that when I’m doing stuff that usually I really don’t want to do or have trouble not getting frustrated/ anxious on, now I was ok. Like I neatly put everything away and was just so calm. Usually either Jess or I get tense with things being totally out of order especially with replugging stuff in. But we did it quickly.
Best part of the day was doing my shopping. Bought Jess the lego carrying case she desperately needs. And I bought a care for your doll kit with everything a mom needs to get started. Right now they only eat pretend food and have nothing to suck on except my finger which probably doesn’t taste good.
So that was good. Then I skyped with my e-mail support group for a little while. Which was wonderful.
Had dinner no feeling like I’m gonna be totally anxious then again it was pretty quiet.
After dinner the dolls Allie and Lexie had an enjoyable half hour of skating, we have a pair of iceskates, and then I changed outfits and put them to bed. Working on dressing and undressing them is so good for spatial/ fine motor skills for me.
Took my bath. Actually did that before the doll play. Got my meds. And am now just here. Jess is upstairs. We’re both resigned/ at peace as much as possible with the fact that she’ll be in the other room for at least a few weeks more. We have a solid routine going which helps.
It’s nice and quiet. My thoughts are on the next thing I will tonight and what my steps will be to go to bed soon relax and hopefully get some good sleep.
I don’t know why this is happening I haven’t had any med changes. There was rumblings of possible bipolar II from one psychiatrist in one of my hospital stays. Jess having known many that have it, has always said she thought I might have a touch of it. Jonathan is not one to label. He said even if he got an absolute confirmation of a diagnosis he wouldn’t be sitting there looking for signs of mania or depression just to prove the theory. He’d observe and see where things go outside of any labels.
So that’s how things will be. I joke about the bipolar thing but I really don’t want this great feeling and mental ability to be boxed in and labeled as an illness.
Only time will tell.

So what do people think about this? Especially those who know me most recently as in the past c couple years?
And what are your thoughts on the magnet board! I think it’s pretty brilliant only because we haven’t found anything even close to that kind ofcommunication ever for Kat and I.


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