So still dealing with this new thing, don’t know wha call it aspect of my personalityor random mood or something.
Sleeping has been hit or miss. after being up all night tuesday. Wednesday night though I could not relax for a nap I was able to have a calm night and wound down reasonablely.
I think thursday night was similar. Last night was harder. I tried geting in to bed at ten reading on various devices ETC. Then just couldn’t stand it anymore and came online realizing that I had taken up a good couple hours of trying to unsuccessfly sleep.
So I went on to crisis text line and did my volunteering. It was nice and weird to be onin the middle of the night. But I was proudof my work.
Then I believe I did fall asleep at two thirty. Woke up at four I think. Worked til breakfast. For that time I felt absolutelylike if I didn’t start writing my creative stories mentioned in my other post I just couldn’t stand it.
So I spent a productive couple hours writing an intro and full chapter.Not sure about sharing but maybe will just make it a post and people can read or not.
After breakfastI was worn out enough to nap and then not want to get up. But I quickly busied myself as the minute my brain turned on there was the pile of ever changing things I have to do. Grab one task do it carefully. Focus only on it. The other things are lined up in the wings waiting for their cue. Next! And then the same thing happens.
In this way I did some FB posting stuff. But did not just sit and surf pages and groups all day I was very intentional about what I was doing. Wrote back and forth with Robbie a little which was nice. Did my afternoon shift and then skyped with friends. Got off when needed went to dinner. Came back did some more posting looking things up like a special cream for my spots that I want to get monday at walmart. Listened to an awesome audio performance by Robbie that he did before leaving. It was truly funny and it was good to just laugh and focus on it completely.
I sent people some things I said I’d send them with no delay.
Then I took my bath carefully cleaning my still mystery spots. Hoping we can talk to the pharmacist at walmart. But also was so relaxed I spent time playing with my bath toys which I would usually skip in my hurry to just get on with things. But now it seems part of the bath routine.
I came out and did some blogging here. Again talked to Robbie and he gave me a few sources to help with the Kat situation which was also good to know. I’d write them now but would likely get an annoying out of office reply. And as with everything now I feel the need to do it right not just be scattered about it.
So overall this experience has been the total pposite of depression and anxiety. In that state you are so tired you can barely think. You know you have to do things even self-care but you just can’t. You want to focus on something but your brain is just going so slowly. With anxiety you’re physically so keyed up heart rate increase tention ETC that it’s almost imposible to focus on anything. And of course there’s the middle ground where though there is a huge struggle to not do things to have no new ideas you can drag yourself along or through an anxiety atack only to withdrawn.
With this state I can focus very closely on each particular task/ thought/ idea. And know where the line of ideas is and just follow it like some internal schedule that’s out of my control in terms of the establishing of this. I guess it’s a good state to be in to do homework or go to work LOL!
What do others think. I hate to label this at all as I feel it would demean the incredible experience to a label that needs to be fixed. I love my new ideas and energy and ability to focus calmly and efficency. However the scary questions are: Where did this come from. Blowing through my brain one night and seeming to change everything. Is it healthy about the no sleeping? How I try so very hard to just relax and am physically exhausted but internally fullty in tune with the things that must happen now. Often there’s no reasoning with this thing.
Do others experience this. He said I was “a little manic” but that it’s within the realm of anyone’s mood spectrum. As long as I’m aware of it that’s what’s important. Still I’m not stupid and know the not sleeping can’t go on forever.