hard night last night and long day today

Hi everyone,

So didn’t post yesterday. It ended up being kinda long. Went to bed with a ton on my mind. And this other nurse who normally isn’t on our floor and who is very slow with meds I don’t think gave me my ativan. Which is what puts me to sleep at night.

So itched my dry skin with those mystery spots that are still there like crazy. Was hot and then cold and then there were weird wind noises and building noises. With over three hundred people living here it’s never quiet. There are some real night owls here who are actually up doing stuff at night! It’s worse in an observation room with the door open you can hear staff and others talking. But you can still hear stuff. But I think I’d hate dead silence too. Which is what’s hard I have Jess in here with me almost all day basically then at night she’s gone and I’m so lonely.

So yeah all that went on. But I’m really proud of myself and big sis is proud of me. I did not get on the computer! I wanted to. One of the things that was bothering me was an intense discussion on an online group I’m in. I likely would have gone on and looked at stuff/ just gotten more wound up about it.

I did finish an awesome book that I will hopefully review tonight.

So today I was like soo tired. Took my morning nap but even with that had trouble falling asleep. So we went to Jess’s school so she could take her test. When I am very stressed it comes out physically in upset stomach. Unfortunately this happened today. So most of the time that I was there which I thought I would be spending trying to relax and read I spent not feeling well at all. Felt better after I got a snack in me. But it took coming home with a relaxing bath and some pizza, yeah not the best for upset stomach but we have like no options around here! We need snacks badly!

Anyway I ate slowly and have been fine since. But that was hard as I was in an unfamiliar place so not my own room/ bathroom so yeah just not fun!

It’s also been awhile since Jess went to the hospital that we’ve taken the trip to school. It might not seem like much but it is a lot to get ready go out sit in a place that’s not my room/ Albany and then come home. Dealing with whatever happens on the van each way other things that come up ETC.

So yeah I’m hoping tomorrow I can just chillax central. The one stressful thing tomorrow is another anna session. I wrote Jonathan and said does this woman take laps around the building all day to burn off energy? LOL! But seriously told him my observations. So I’m sure we’ll have a good talk Friday.

But anyway I’m just gonna tell her to stop saying things like how did I get over/ overcome/ get past my mental illness! Because I haven’t. I’m managing it. Which I, Jonathan, and others I know with MI feel. That it’s like any chronic illness you hope for as long periods of good times as you can get. But you can’t just turn your back and say you’re done. Nor do I / Jonathan feel you should. It would be not respecting the power this thing can have if you just think it will never come back. Mental illness is an extremely powerful experience that brings positive and negative things and shapes you. I feel like saying I got over my mental illness, or overcame self-harm would be dismissing something that’s help shape me and my life. And if this woman really believes this, that I/ anyone here gets over/ overcomes/ gets past anything she doesn’t understand mental illness. I will try to be open minded and give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn’t truly believe it and it’s just someone who never has experienced this before in her life just trying to wave her magic wand and say you’re all better now! But I have this sense about people. And she’s incredibly transparent, I’d say to an unhealthy degree. And I have a feeling she does believe this. But I’m gonna really try to let her say her side of the story after I’m done talking and actually listen. Which is very hard as it’s with someone I don’t really trust at all.

Thank goodness for Jonathans! The world needs more of them.

But other than that am just chillaxing. Will be happy to have my ativan tonight. Can’t believe I let him get away with that. You have to make sure to check your pill cup before you take it all. Because if you say after oh I didn’t get something like they can’t prove whether you did or not and you could just be saying that to like zone on more drugs/ give drugs to others. So I would have had to have someone give me it on night shift which would have been after eleven. So yeah it’s just a mess. Especially with no Jess in the room. I’m pretty sure she would have got me to sleep in an hour. When she comes back to the room full time we’re gonna get cupcakes or something!

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