Feeling down and just I don’t know resigned to some pretty annoying/ [possibly not great things coming up/ happening.

So it’s the 16th. Haven’t seen Dr. Fyazz this month. So glad Jess found out at her appointment plus word has gotten around really fast that she’s leaving. The last conversation I had with Mr. J I think was before new years I totally forget if we’ve had a session since. He said he had all month to work on this. He always says stuff like that Mr. optimistic like oh I should be back to work after severely breaking my wrist in like two weeks LOL!

I do believe there are one or two new psychiatrists to add to the very low selection. We have Dr. Dyzann who was my first psychiatrist. He just drugs people up basically and hospitalizes every two minutes. At St. Mary’s which is said to be the biggest place to hospitalize and I guess has a lot of Medicaid support. Probably why they use it so often. They like want to fill beds and make money. When I’ve been there there have hardly been any groups at all and I’ve just lay there in bed. I could have been in the dayroom but would rather sleep. One time I was there I had wanted to cut myself with a nail polish bottle as a suicide attempt and no one even talked about why I was there! Ever.

Left him as quick as possible. And you all know about Sharon Glickman and Dr. Gil. Loved Glickman she reminds me of Dr. Lentz. Great to talk to. Gill is terrible and you know all about my three week stay at Thorack like jail basically.

There’s someone named Dr. Patel. She doesn’t come in that regularly and works at Norwegian the hospital where I went to the IOP. IOP wasn’t the greatest though some therapists were ok, but yeah. I know in between Gill and Fyazz there was a good reason why we passed on by Patel.

Then I think there’s someone who admits at Lakeshore which I’ve heard bad things a about in general. Called them and I think Edith did as well about their IOP and they hung up on us.

I don’t know about these new doctors except Jonathan said they’re younger. Whatever that’s supposed to help with. Anyway so yeah. I have heard they admit to St. Mary’s.

For those curious about why I’m so focused on hospital units. For me, knowing that I could go to such a great unit like literally was part of my support system. There was so much safety in knowing how good this place was and that if I needed to I could go there. Like having someone’s phone number like say a hotline number or something. You’re pretty sure you won’t use it but having it there makes all the difference. If I have to be stuck with someone who admits to a crap unit it will I feel increase my anxiety about OMG what if they hospitalize me! Because instead of seeing the hospitalization as possibly a good experience, which I feel those I’ve talked to at least that have gone to Masonic have had, I’ll go in knowing how terrible in general the place is. So it’s really important to me even if I never *need it* in the sense of get hospitalized, the concept of it like really helps me. This could be one of my Sammy weird logic things Mr. J talks about but it’s the truth.

For someone like Jess OMG. She really needs a solid unit! She needs the security of knowing that when she’s hospitalized, it will be a safe place to help her stabilize get away from Albany get individualized care in a low key therapeutic environment. That can not be said about St. Mary’s just no!

And the thing about IL is the psychs can only admit at hospitals they have admitting previliges at. So if someone admits to St. Mary’s no matter how much anyone hates it that’s where you go. They also play this terrible game where if they know someone will be discharged in say a day they’ll say there’s a bed available. So the person has to chillax in the ER for a day and a half or something til the person is actually discharged! A tech explained it and I couldn’t believe it!

It’s hard enough to find any kinda psychiatrists on Medicaid here in IL. And I can say for one hundred percent certainty that if I were not in a SMHRF I would not have a psychiatrist regularly. I would likely still be on waiting lists, with out of date medication management stuff going on and like hardly seeing someone. Or I’d be stuck with someone like Dr. S (he has this really long greek name) at St. Frances. Which sadly doesn’t even have a psych unit but you usually go to the ER there to be evaluated and then transferred to St. Jos so I’ve heard. But anyway as far as I know they only have one psych there. He was the one who mislead me about welbutrin and I had those lovely seizures. So that’s kind of out. Anyway all that to say finding a psychiatrist is a huge deal around here.

So I guess I should be lucky I get anything at all. I have a feeling people will just be shoved over to the new doctors caseloads as Fyazz had quite a caseload. Jonathan said there could be other options I know you can see a psychiatrist outside of Albany. But they have to agree to this really weird on call policy and other things. So who knows about that. People say talk to your PRSC but they really don’t know anything at all. The medical secretary person who schedules people to see their doctors here people say can make recommendations but I don’t even know. I’m kinda like whatever. What will happen will happen. It was just so huge for me to have someone I actually liked and trusted. Who I knew was sensitive and intelligent around meds, who understoodcutting which is another huge thing and then there’s the hospital thing. Now all those things important to my care are hanging in midair to be determined by whoever gets my case going forward.

Also found out that once Jess does the intake for the psychologist on Wednesday and gets set up it will be at least a month of sessions before she comes back here maybe longer. Just miss her soo much at nights it really isn’t the same with her really not living here. I know we’re really lucky staff let her visit, as in be down here most of the day. I guess they’re really concerned about cutting that’s happened in the room and maybe other things I don’t know. Again can’t do anything about it.

It could be the weather that has me in this mood it’s pouring out.

One thought on “resigned

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