very emotional day yesterday doorknob broke!

Hi everyone,

So yesterday was a hard day for me. I think I’m finally like having a little break down after everything that’s been going on. Not even hearing that my deaf friend was finally discharged and at a group home, for now, made me as happy as it should have. I was just too drained and anxious to be as I know it’s only temporary.

Also just a lot of other things on my mind. Really sinking in about my psychiatrist leaving. And Jess’s. Worried most for her as she’s had this person for five years and has seen her through all the self-harm incidents and knows when to hospitalize or not, understands cutting ETC.

I know Jess gets in hard places easily before she or anyone else realizes it. She’s doing well now focusing on school and stuff. But still has yet to be able to move back to our room which hangs over her head I know. And she does go to the hospital often enough, and I feel for her it’s used as a place to sort of reset herself get away from Albany, have individual time to herself with professionals that really do care. Which is fine. Mr. J says there’s this stigma around hospitalization even here at Albany. He even catches himself saying to someone so awesome you haven’t been hospitalized in six months. When really the thing to say is so awesome you’re doing so well since you went to the hospital six months ago which is one reason why you’re not there now LOL!

So I feel it’s essential that the Dr. she, and I, get and the hospital unit are equally important. However right now all we have coming to Albany are all psychiatrists who go to St. Mary’s. Which I forget if I wrote about here but it’s basically like one of the worst units, well that I’ve been. If I had gone there for my first hospitalization I would not want to go inpatient ever again! They literally think people self-harm because: either they’re attention seeking (borderline or otherwise), or psychotic and being comaded to hurt themselves. That’s it. The first time I went in the social worker seemed nice and we had a good private discussion. She even sort of wrote an order to my trilogy caseworker recommending I go to a cat shelter as a therapeutic activity. But then she got impatient with me because I self-harmed in the hospital so was put on one to one. And that was kind of it. You’re put on one to one can’t have anything at all and just lay in your bed. Have to have your hands visible at all times. Like nothing to do at all.

Then this other time I came in sort of very suicidal made a kind of suicidal gesture, tried to break something glass that could have hurt me more than say my nails. I was in there for five days, they didn’t even talk to me about it! The same social worker was like oh it’s you again. What were you doing cutting? I was like I don’t know. She’s like you don’t know. It’s the end of the day I have to go home and you don’t know whty you cut?”

So yeah all that to say I will not have my big sis going to this hospital when she’s in crisis and needs a reset.

So anyway I did find out they initially have matched her with one of the newer doctors that comes here. There are two new ones but they both go to St. Mary’s and Chicago Lakeshore which is another bad one. Physical fighting and stuff goes on over there. Plus they’re mean they hung up on Edith and I a few times.

So I was crying. Terrified for her as she signed the form. Which really is just agreeing to transfer her care to this guy but if she has one meeting and doesn’t like him she can find someone else. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to find a good psychiatrist that goes to a good hospital. And living here at a SMHRF it’s essential that a person have a good hospital to go to because it can be very useful but only as good as the unit and doctor are.

Of course the doctor is the most important thing obviously! But so often people need both and I think Jess is a prime case of that.

Me. I haven’t been hospitalized since 2014 yay! But knowing Masonic had my back was like a security blanket. It sounds like a more and more awesome place every time Jess comes back from there LOL! Plus the amazing treatment my deaf friend got. Just knowing it was there took away my anxiety about being hospitalized. That and Fyazz usually is not a hospitalizer. She really waits it out which is good I think in my case at least. And she understood my harm reduction care plan I.E when to hospitalize and not hospitalize. Which regardless of the hospital, would be very important for whatever doctor to understand. I just am triggered by the mention of St. Mary’s and anyone/ myself having to possibly maybe go there even if it’s like a baby chance.

So I cried about that. I cried cause I miss Edith. Things have changed so much since she left. I was just like emotionally done. Then after dinner comes around. We go to open our door with our awesome keypad door lock, which was a creative solution to keys being not good for two cutters. It wouldn’t light up or beep or anything. It was like OMG major Panic! That got me going worse than ever because all I needed was a bath and bed. But I had to stay up and hang out in Jess’s room good thing she has a quiet area in that room. Long story short Robert from Maintinance was woken up and had to come out. He got there a little after eight. He had to forcefully break the lock off. He broke the latch to save the doorknob. And that made terrible loud, bang down the door noise which got me more upset. Then he realized the latch was specific to that knob. So installed a temporary regular doorknob that wouldn’t really close exactly right but it was ok for the night. Then happily today he came back with a special ordered latch from two hours away. He now has a spare in case this happens again! And he just put new batteries in that knob. He said it was one of those random incidents that happens every day around here LOL!

Anyway I was so exhausted from all that that I slept all night. Until I had to get up super early, six forty five for meds, out by eight to take Jess to her psychologist.

It was a nice little area. I guess about seven therapists. I chillaxed in the waiting room. Jess said she really liked the woman who offered one of her stress balls so I have a stress ball yay!

Then we went to the gift shop and this lady gave us free snacks. Saw this awesome doll that’s hand made with velvit and cuddly but it was like $18. I guess it was normally $27 so she gave us a discount. Still couldn’t buy it. I would have named it after the therapist and Jess could talk to it between sessions.

Came home and took a major nap!Slept from twelve thirty to three. Feeling much better. We ordered pizza today for both meals so we didn’t have to go down at all. So yeah am happy Jess had her first part of the intake and liked the person. Really hoping I can have a good Jonathan meeting on Friday. Where we can find a good person for me.

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