feeling so stable in your recovery that you want extra things in your life

I just wrote Mr. J a long e-mail around my thoughts about MA. About the reasons I want to leave IL and move there. Some had to do with missing family, people, pets. People/ pets that will likely pass away sooner rather than later. Feeling like not spending time with them will be traumatic for me when they die. Missing the good parts of my family life wanting to live closer than a plane ride away, but not at their house.

Money is a huge thing. Can not stand getting $30 out of my SSI having to constantly ask my mom for money when they’re freaking out about financial stuff anyway. I would think even if I lived in a group home I would have more money than here. Certainly better food. One fix for the money thing would be moving to Gateway SLF here in IL and being able to save money and have better food so wouldn’t have to spend money on that. Then we could save money for visits back to MA and my parents wouldn’t have to pay for plane trips. I guess that could be the middle ground if absolutely nothing comes up for MA.

But the other reasons that I want to go back. They’re not essential. They’re things I want to enrich my life. Volunteering at hotlines, particularly Samaritans and I know I have lots of other choices too. That’s just not available in IL. The peer recovery movement is huge in MA. Like incredible. They transformed a previous state hospital into a “recovery community.” I miss the creative holistic culture of therapy out there. Think lots of Jonathan types around! I want to be in a place where I can be given half a chance around learning to sign and connect with in person help and hopefully friends around this. Have heard from deaf friend that there’s a good chance that could happen.

I realized something when I wrote this e-mail. That I’ve never in my life felt so stable that I’ve been able to think about extra things in my life. Added perks. Things I don’t need but things I want and possibilities. Me coming up with possibilities that don’t involve people trying to ask me about my future and feeling totally stuck and overwhelmed. Or really wanting to do something, learn something ETC but the process being so difficult because I couldn’t process how I process. So in the end though there were good things going on I couldn’t fully enjoy them there was always this conflict and having to keep feelings in.

I don’t feel that right now. I feel calm. If I have to live at Albany for the foreseeable future until I fight the State of MA to build an SMHRF or two, with a whole group behind me of course! Then I will. I have a good life here. If I have to move to Gateway and stay in IL I will.

That said stability is the point. If I were to move to MA and my stability went out the window, the reasons for moving there wouldn’t matter because for awhile I’d be back to a life of taking things one day at a time, possibly fighting for services and rebuilding my sense of self again without Jonathan or the others who have helped me get to this point!

So there has to be an extremely high likelihood that I’d be getting the same supports that are keeping me stable here out there. Or like I said there’s no point.

It’s a great feeling I’ve never had it before and I feel like I’ve been given something extra like I said. An emotional and mental bonus. I’m just enjoying the feeling. If I lose it I know I still have a solid ground of stability for the moment. If I’m able to somehow find a way to get more without risking my stability I’ll be very happy.


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