tiring day no Jonathanhad past stuff brought up

So today was tiring. Thought it would be a good day where I’d finally get to talk to Mr. J and finally like get things out to him. I’m still impressed at how happy Anna is to help with everything.

Anyway this didn’t happen thank you Albany food! I have had fruit plates for a few meals over the past few days, and that really does a number on me. It’s just not a meal as Edith put it a few times. But seriously to sit at care plan in front of the dietary director and tell her this and she has no alternatives it’s just really sad. Says this is all they can do with over three hundred people. I’m really hoping the next place we move to has better food.

So anyway right around time to leave I got really upset stomach and felt like falling asleep. So I decided to just not go. For about ten minutes I thought maybe I’d just skip out on therapy forever because ya know, I have to get used to no Jonathan anyway. My mind just does that sometimes it makes no sense. Who knows when we’ll even move. But it just really is hard to imagine no Jonathan. And when stuff is hard to deal with I just want to shut down.

After dinner wrote him and asked if we could meet Friday even though Fridays have been terrible due to court stuff. I said he’s welcome to lay on my floor for a meeting LOL, he says these are some of our best sessions. Anna likes pacing around the room tossing a stress ball in the air so I guess it’s what you like LOL!

Another interesting thing was a friend I haven’t talked to from awhile back messaged me. Well basically we were messaging back and forth. She was from that time I had been connected with people from a group I was going to. Anyway she wanted to know why I needed psychiatric care and everything. Thought I’d been well on my way to a career and independent living.

She meant this totally seriously and wasn’t being mean about it so I told her the truth.

And she listened and actually seemed to understand. It’s so hard to really have a grasp on who’s a friend and who’s not from that time. I’m being vague on purpose so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings by going into more details.

Anyway it was refreshing that she listened and understood. Hard to trust she really is a true friend because that time was so crazy. But I was impressed. She didn’t make one comment about how bad psych meds are, and she’s done that before. Wanted me to take herbs and stuff when I was on a little medicine. We kinda agreed to disagree on it I guess.

What really came out for me in that conversation was seeing how convincing I had been that everything was ok. When I was absolutely falling apart. I had that whole group thinking I was doing amazingly with slight problems when I was really not going after the goals they were thinking I was, and doing horrible.

It shows how good I am at shutting down and fooling people even myself.

It was a good conversation but brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts from the past.

So yeah that was my day. Haven’t heard from Krista after that e-mail I said she should ponder, or Edens which is unusual. I’m giving them both til Friday and then will write again.

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