emotional day talked to my mom and reflecting on five year anniversary in Chicago

Hey everyone,

Had an emotional day.

Haven’t been able to get ahold of my mom for a few weeks. Usually I will be able to catch her even if she’s really really busy. She sent me an e-mail last weekend I think saying something about my Dad and sister going to gramma’s house in Maine for the weekend and she had to take the dog to the vet. But I really didn’t get all of what was going on.

As I think I said in another post did talk to my Dad I think this past weekend or day after mom sent the e-mail and he was like swearing every other word and he’s like very easygoing usually. He also had really bad asma and still smoking which I worried about. But his totally flustered attitude made me think there was a ton going on. I know they’re packing up the house and trying to sell and there’s this whole financial piece around that about debt and loans and bank stuff I don’t understand. So anyway.

Periodically this week have called off and on. My cell that I’ve had since 2009 has a mind of it’s own and shuts off randomly. I guess a couple times my mom did try to call. I was just about to have Jess look at my missed calls record to see if this was the case when she did call back.

Of course things were wicked bad. Our lab is twelve years old and is like getting wicked old. He has problems getting up and I guess the hind legs are the first to like literally stop working! She is in touch with this amazing vet every single day now. And could like be a vet literally LOL

The vet usually the most optimistic creative guy did gently break it to her that he is 12 years old and it’s probably his time soon.

She was a wreck with everything because there was no way she could get an over 100 pound dog into a car. She said they probably weigh the same LOL so someone my dad knew had to do it.

But anyway so that was a huge trauma. So I don’t know when my dog will be put to sleep. I don’t love dogs but I love him obviously! And just hate to know about yet another los that I won’t personally be there for.

So we’ll see. I trust this vet’s thoughts on everything. It’s just time. All the dogs our dog grew up playing with have died. Even the vet’s dog the same age has died. OMG Labs in particularly have so many issues! I never even knew. Except hearing guide dog users talk about it.

But anyone we were having a very emotional conversation because my mom is stressed to the max with Dad flipping out, her trying to be calm which for her is hard and just everything going on.

She was crying and saying how much she missed me and loved me and I was crying and saying I hated having mental illness and wished I was just blind and could have stayed at Friedman where I had been so happy until mental illness took over my life.

Which leads to my emotional reflection t today that Sunday it will be five years that I’ve lived here in Chicago. And how I’ve spent since Nov 2013 not at FP but here at Albany, something I never in a million years would have imagined. A part of me feels like I should have been able to manage things better there, or go back after being here awhile but just imagining living in an apartment essentially by myself having to manage routine, appointments, my feelings and everything in a non psych friendly place just makes me cry. And then I cry for not being able to just be like every other blind person there who connects around being blind and doesn’t have to deal with this stuff. Well many do but as far as I could see they didn’t seem to experience the disconnection within the group or maybe they did. I don’t know. I know they were on a ton of meds with no other treatment and in and out of the hospital. Which I’m glad I didn’t go through that.

I just wish that huge change in director could have panned out for the better instead of things getting so much worse over there.

Then again if I never came here I would have never met Mr. J or Jess.

But still so many strong mixed feelings.

That and of course turning 29 on Monday. Hate getting older. Hate being an adult when half of me is always a kid. And everyone’s already talking about the big 30 next year seriously don’t remind me! I’m gonna totally have a breakdown like I did when I hit 18. Wish they could save me a place at the Masonic spa LOL! (the awesome unit that was my and a lot of others here, go to because of the psychiatrist we had that I call a spa)

So yeah not feeling the best. But I know having a Jonathan session Tuesday will help.

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