hard couple days physically not well and emotionally dealing with friends in crisis

So this weekend has been hard. As I might have said I did finally get my period on Friday. But it’s been very heavy with lots of cramps and generally feeling exhausted and irritated/ emotional. The other things in my life I know made worse by this. The change in weather likely affects things too.

Jess is still very much struggling. Still in the observation room. Is doing awesome in terms of meeting many times a day with staff, either her caseworker or others. Giving any potentially harmful objects to them, and is extremely honest about her emotions.

Incredibly has not actually cut this whole time, nor has been suicidal.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of her mom’s death so that’s especially hard. June has always been hard for her.

Things that make it harder are that her therapist is on vacation til next week. She no longer has Dr. Fyazz who she had an amazing relationship with her for years. Because of admitting rules around hospitals and Dr.s because no psychiatrist admits to IL Masonic, no one at Albany can use that hospital. Which again is a huge shame because the people on that unit knew her inside out. They provided a very structured therapeutic environment and great discharge planning, where she could safely go through any med changes but most importantly really talk with staff that get it and other patients. For her, the hospital is as much a part of treatment as therapy and meds, and this should be what one should expect if they use the hospital as a place to recharge not just to sit and see if a med will work.

Unfortunately she was matched with a very lazy or just weird, psychiatrist. He’s new, saw her only once and they’re supposed to see you once every couple months at the least. So we know almost nothing about his philosophy on medications, hospitalization, his views on self-harm ETC

Furthermore, the hospitals he does go to are not good at all. St. Mary’s is an extremely popular one. Almost all the psychs who come here use it. They’re one of the largest psych hospital in the city. But it is extremely nontheraputic. Basically everyone sits around either sleeping or doing nothing, coloring in the tv room watching tv and that’s about it. Maybe a group every so often. When I went there with extreme suicidal thoughts including being stopped in creating a weapon no one ever talked to me about this!

For someone who uses, and needs the type of environment I described above this can only mean more disaster and a worsening of symptoms rather than any benefit. The benefits only being that she’d be supervised during a med change.

So everything is so up in the air. I’m hoping that if she can get through tomorrow things will settle down and she can maybe be able to go to Reddoor for some cat therapy.

Other things going on with me. Helping two homeless blind friends and following their journeys. That have included things like being placed in an extremely substandard care nursing home, not being given their rights, residents can only shower twice a week! The biggest thing is that while seeking a level of care placement that makes sense for her, literally no facilities, SMHRF or group homes would take her, or even come out to see her due to blindness. They admitted this. It doesn’t help that this friend has labels through diagnosis that make her seem unattractive as a possible resident.

She is currently in the ER hoping to not return to that particular nursing home and hoping to be hospitalized for psych and try again.

My other homeless friend is in LA. She’s bouncing around different shelters and living on the streets. It will be a couple of weeks before she can get some permanent or even transitional housing. It really disturbs me that when going to different agencies no one is concerned about the fact that this is a totally blind individual at high risk for all kinds of victimization.

This might be ignorant of me but I had thought for so long that the disabled were a protected population. The three catagories of people one is mandated to report are children, the elderly and people with disabilities. So I would think that if a homelessness agency or even hospital or anyone really saw this situation, they would promptly report to something like disabled adult services where the person would be then processed and worked with in the same fast and usually efficient way children are in the social services system, securing temporary care as a matter of urgency.

Sadly this is not the case at all. How these people, anyone who’s turned their back in these situations, can ethically if not legally, do this without any consequences makes me beyond furious. They’re not even looking at the person behind the disability. Services for these populations, mentally ill, homeless are really poor to begin with. Which perhaps is why there’s nothing extra to give for someone with additional needs. Have been hearing about even more cuts coming which is heartbreaking.

I’m hanging in there. Keeping busy trying to brainstorm with these friends. Things have been kinda chaotic with the PRCS recently as they just got a newby. Who seems to be doing ok. Someone who has worked here bout two years is leaving in two weeks. So that will be a shock to the system. Then another one literally just up and left. Which is an even bigger crisis. This does happen in the summer a lot and the transitions are very hard and so much is put on the already overworked and stretched PRCS that are there.

Even though obviously I was feeling a lot with everything going on, unfortunately Anna was very distracted with other things going on including Jess’s situation that she was monitoring as others were. So she basically said “ok” to everything and was this stuff effecting me more? I hate that phraise I think she meant to say how was it effecting me, or was I more stressed out than usual, were my symptoms more than usual. Which I’ve just figured out that’s what she means about that. Which is kinda like duh what do you think? But unfortunately like I said she was so distracted and pressed for time that we ended very quickly.

It’s the old thing that’s the huge negative of living here. Three hundred of us, two PRCS on at night/ weekends. It made me feel like I was one more problem for them to have to address. I haven’t felt like that in awhile like people are legit too busy to have the time for me which I see as understandable. And then want to just withdraw and blend into the woodwork as I so empathize with where they are mentally/ emotionally with their workload, and how they must prioritize situations and honestly what Jess is dealing with needs constant attention to every detail particularly with the Dr. hospital situation as it is.

Another hard thing is that Jonathan went on vacation for two weeks without telling me. It’s a big deal and part of our agreements around working together. Obveously I’m not gonna stop working with him but I do have a lot to say.

Hoping things settle down in one or more of these areas very soon.

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