It’s so interesting how things can change so quickly. In my last post I had just heard about the conference and had gotten some encouragement to go, but felt totally overwhelmed by the financial prospect as well as emotional and everything.
Over the past couple of days though I’m still overwhelmed and I know it will be an emotional rollercoaster, I’ve made some great connections and am actually going!
So here’s what happened. I talked with some people on fb about my financial situation. They contacted the conference organizers who said that instead of paying I could volunteer in some way and the costs would be covered. This offer was so surprising because I had been at the point where I was like this is just too much!
It took awhile emotionally even knowing that that main cost would be covered, to get to a place of really being ok about going. Mostly around just plain doing anything outside of Albany, like being away, and how I would handle everything. But things looked more positive when I found out that Jess would be going too, also volunteering.
I have gotten more and more encouragement from people around really wanting me to be there. Looking over the site and workshops it all does look like something Jess and I would hugely benefit by.
Below is a link to the conference site
I still have a ton of obstacles! A huge one is money. The three days in the hotel, flights, which we’re not sure what flights to look for it’s so complicated, and food.
We’re also considering extending our stay past Monday the last day of the conference and spending a day or two at my parent’s house, where I can get in some real pet time, see anyone from my past life in MA who wants to, and generally both of us get a rest from all the activity.
Around the money stuff, will be signing up for a you caring account and trying to get donations. Am hoping for the best but know everyone has financial limits and I’ve been so gifted, (some would say blessed but that word is weird to me) with all the generosity already extended to me. I just have a feeling like this is right. Will totally be checking in with Bety, to see what intuitive vibes she has. Regardless I’m sure she’d want the chance to see me in person!
Anyway haven’t actually approached my family about this. I know my sister will be fine and Dad. Will be interesting to hear what kinda reaction my mom has when she learns that the time is planned out so she can’t say stuff like well I can’t take you everwhere, or that hopefully, a lot of the money is accounted for so there won’t be back and forth on that.
One other thing that really turned me in the direction of wanting to continue to explore this was talking with Jonathan. And hearing him say that it’s amazing that I’m wanting to start to reclaim this part of my life when four years ago, or even a year ago, a week ago LOL, I would not want to do that. Would be way too overwhelmed would not chance anything.
I think all those conversations I’ve been having in my head and out loud about am I stable enough to find a new life or start exploring? All those posts I wrote about that are paying off.
Jonathan has the awesome attitude in life, that things always have the potential to go really well really badly or in between and to be prepared for all possibilities as much as possible, including that you can never prepare for everything! He’s honest about us facing all possible concerns and hard questions and situations and totally about me being confident before I do anything. Something he keeps saying is that he or anyone, could think something is the best idea in the world. But if I’m not confident about it it won’t work. Even if I want it to to please the person. And there’s no judgment or pressure from him to go any faster than I am in life, always pushing a little but he knows how hard to push or not. He knows me and all my complexities and how “you’re your own language” I teased that he’s like my dad in so many ways. Like if we’re totally on the same page on everything then it’s like having your awesome loving dad ok your getting married LOL! Or Ok your going to the school dance or college or something. Like you feel all warm and fuzzy knowing they’re a hundred percent there with you. I know I’ll have that from him.
He did say once that he was giving Jess and I his “nervous father speech” when we were moving from the observation room to our own room which at the time was as huge leap into the unknown as this is possibly more. Because Jonathan was really going out on a limb about two cutters being in their own room.
But anyway. As Jess and I talk about different little details (including such lovely stuff as it perhaps being that time of the month while there, which toys I’ll take (If you hear lots of crying it’s my dolls) how we’ll help each other if we start to spiral, I feel much better about everything.
There’s going to be a lot of talking over the next five weeks and planning and refineing. Talking to doctors, Jess’s therapist, Jess me and Jonathan having a meeting or two. Jonathan talking with my family. . Our caseworkers, though I don’t feel really engaged with anna at the moment sadly and of course talking to family. But we’re waiting a week to see what funds I can generate to see if there’s the possibility that we have a good amount already so that we don’t have to ask for everything, and therefore have my mom do the back and forth dance about money.
It’s a lot but as I connect with more people I feel more empowered and like people have my back.
Shout out to: Natan, Orix, Grace, Jessie, Judene, Alice, Emily, Apple, and I forget if I neglected any new people!
Will do a separate post to spread the word about the scholarship they have, and other links if people are interested in inquiring.