Good session with Jonathan about prep for trip

So had a good Jonathan meeting!

He’ll be taking me to get my new phone hopefully in the next few days.

I told him about some of the things I had been thinking about emotionally. Around the trip. So we talked about that. About how hard it will be for my family to see me doing well, in a way, especially my mom because she’ll feel guilty that I couldn’t do well in her care so to speak. Of course she wouldn’t admit to it but instead would unconsciously make snappy comments to try and get in my way. Which describes her perfectly. I kept saying how intense my mom is and how she reads into any little detail of facial expression, tearing up everything and will go at that and say you’re being too emotional or argumentative or whatever.

He said there’s a lot that will hit me walking in the door. Two out of the three pets gone, house packed up just all sorts of memories and feelings.

He said to try to approach anything I’m feeling by just telling my parents how I’m feeling instead of bursting out with why did you do this or that like I hated you packed up my stuff! Just say it makes me mad or whatever. With my mom’s intensity around people expressing emotions, even if you say it nicely she’s still not ok with it this might not work and still might be too much for her but it’s worth a shot.

He basically said that he would be trying to prepare my mom too like asking her what her questions or fears are and him saying his thoughts on working with me. She really does trust him after all the stuff he’s done for me and how clearly I’ve done so well with him. Another thing about my mom is she has a huge need to appear to be like the best mom ever. So in front of Jess and perhaps knowing Jonathan is “watching” she’ll hopefully have her mask on and not be her totally volatile self. Jonathan said we would want someone looking in to roll their eyes and say they don’t know why I have a problem with my mom!

Hoping all these factors will help. I know it will be an ongoing process of continuing to talk about feelings as feelings come up. We talked about scratching and he reminded me that it’s not about the scratching it’s about what’s behind it. And at times he respects it as a coping mechanism. If I feel like I can’t do anything but scratch when emotional at my house, that’s fine. So I feel a bit better about that.

Now just hope I can get the money to get to actually go!

Haven’t got any donations since Sunday.


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