I think I’ve talked about in other posts things around my relationship with Tasha. She is the caseworker that was assigned to me. Basically from the first minute I met her she completely reminded me of a caseworker back at Albany care that I did not. Tasha, and that woman, struck me as extremely overly distant (you can be professional with appropriate boundaries without acting how she does), really isn’t emotionally atuned to how you’re doing, says very trite things like not to worry about things and to focus on the solution, and generally just is someone I’d be least like4ly to talk to.
How I put it to staff is that it’s simply a basic lack of any kind of compatibility between us on my end at least. Regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.
So in this way I’m not blaming her for anything though she has been kinda spaced out and screwed up some stuff she was doing for Jess. I haven’t given her the chance to screw anything up because I’ve been doing all her work for her. I know about caseworkers long enough to figure out how to stay away from them.
At Albany care and any mental health organization I’ve ever been to, it’s your right to change caseworkers. Not all the time obviously but if you’ve tried with someone and it’s not working out then how can you work on your mental health where the main person you work with you don’t trust/ connect with/ fight with ETC.
But not here. I guess they started this last fall according to another resident who also does not like Tasha. They block off the caseloads by sections of the halls on the floors. I guess it’s for organization purposes. But it basically means theoretically, unless I moved my room which I will never do, I will always have tasha. Because I live in that room. Even though there are five or four, other caseworkers on this floor they do other sections of the floor. And no one does anything like at Albany care where they play musical offices, so people are on all different floors. Also at Albany caseworkers would have residents all over the building. The girl I talked to said it was like that before. This system might be good for the staff, and I don’t know if regardless of the hallway thing if you still couldn’t change workers even before that started.
So basically this means that until I leave here, in a year or two, I’ll be stuck week in week out with someone I want absolutely nothing to do with. I say for all that time because she’s been here for years, she’s probably not leaving any time soon.
I wrote Sarah about this very nicely. I basically said obviously I can’t change the rule. If it’s something they really hold in high regard as a practice then I’ll have to just deal. Just shut off my emotions around her, not that that’s hard, and just do whatever I need to.
Alongside this however is me and therapy. Before coming here I was very happy to know they had an “on staff therapist.”
And also interns that did individual therapy.
I was sure then that I could get individual therapy here.
I started with Jess’s therapist Sandra however. When I did not feel a connection with her around my very complex symptoms (I’m not surprised by this it’s why Dissociative disorders are a specialty) I asked about therapy here.
It turns out that the therapist Clairetechnically is not “on staff” at all. She’s contracted like the art and music therapists and only comes in part time. The rest of the time she does private practice. She’s been here aa number of years but as her private practice is getting bigger she is leaving in May.
Tasha doesn’t have much hope that they will find another therapist as they’ve tried but it’s very hard to find someone who will come into these facilities, and likely not get paid very much.
I feel really bad for all the residents that have been seeing her many for years that now don’t have much hope of finding anything beyond general therapy in community mental health.
It will take a lot to find these people someone new as her practice here was full and there was a waiting list.
By the time we got here it was March. The interns end their work in May. So they’re basically finishing things up and so not taking anyone new. And not really right to start a therapy relationship when they’re leaving so soon.
So no easy answers with this.
One reason I try ver6y hard to manage/ stop the dissociation is it’s the very last symptom of the whole group of symptoms that hit me in the winter. Outside of all that I do absolutely fine and don’t need individual therapy.
But with this dissociation and supposed alters going on I have a mental health situation that many don’t know how to deal with. I’m still surprised they let me in and haven’t raised questions about my dissociation and alters. I’m sure if I had a self-harming or violent alter that I couldn’t control, or if the alters got up to some kind of real mischief then they’d send me away.
And as I’ve told some people, any dissociative disorder I may or may not have isn’t in my records. Once something is in your records especially a complex disorder like that, or a personality disorder, it’s basically set in stone. Another reason I’m wishing and hoping and fighting this so it doesn’t become anything permanent that would actually block me from getting any kind of future care.
So staff here apparently, when I lose time it means I have no idea what I say and do in between, are very patient with these alters. Especially a five year old girl. Jess keeps a close eye on the whole process and I do trust her. But still I also know staff have no idea what to do for the best.
And it is so incredibly lonely having these symptoms that are so different from everyone else here. The main stuff treated are mood disorders and psychosis. If people have other disorders that there are direct groups/ standard treatments for I don’t know about it.
I know it’s not the case for dissociation. I can’t go to a group and talk about it.
So I can’t get the support and solutions I need right here where I’m living in the way that one living here is supposed to.
Another red flag for me would be if I talk too much/ emphasize the dissociation too much they’ll see that they “can’t meet my mental health needs” and try to discharge me.
I want soo much to just manage this on my own. Because there really to me seems no other choices.
My family offered to pay for therapy. While this was a nice offer there are a lot of issues. First of all, they’ve payed for therapy in the past. They have had issues paying on time, and eventually pressured me to end therapy. When I ended with my first psychiatrist I had no idea my mom still owed her a hundred dollars for a session! Lucky I had the money at the time.
I am extremely worried she’ll lie or not really consider herself, how much she can actually7 afford and for how long. Plus she’s going through so much right now with her surgery, paying for stuff with my sister’s graduation, and recently having moved. It’s not like they have money to spare.
I looked up some wonderful private practice therapists who do specialize in dissociation. But the thought of not knowing how the finances will work out brings more anxiety than anything else.
I’d rather I guess, go to a community mental health center or outpatient hospital program and make the best of a therapist so I have some outside support other than here until I move, then have a specialist and have issues come up around finances just as we’re possibly uncovering more and more.
That’s the other thing. If I do therapy purposely to look at this dissociation I’m afraid all the other associated symptoms, communication, sensory stuff ETC will reappear. And what if there are trauma memories that have caused this as I believe is the only explanation that do come up? What if more and more alters emerge?
I don’t have the foundation of support here to feel safe with that stuff coming out and them being able to handle it. One thing Sandra did that I didn’t like was she said she could handle anything, without at all knowing what that would cover. Knowing and saying your limits is important.
And I know the huge limits these smhrf places have because a friend was kicked out of one for their DID, as well as not allowed any other places. I know they’ll very quickly reach their breaking point with this stuff and then I’d be in the exact same place as I was in December with everything all open and raw and the people who I’m supposed to be getting day to day ca5re from being unable to do anything.
So I’m honestly not sure what I’ll do. There’s a facility Howard Brown, that does specialize in trauma informed care. But it’s about as far away as the place in Evanston and right near a center for people with disabilities so chances are good we’d be touring Chicago again on the way to or especially from. Which is a huge stress.
There is a hospital right down the road, St. Jos, who I still am trying to get in with the psychiatrist who works there, but I’m not sure if they handle trauma and dissociation.
Just extremely limited options.
That’s why therapy is almost not worth pursuing if you’re in this state and on Medicaid. If I could keep even some money from SSI beyond the $60 I could pay a sliding scale with interns. You’re just backed into a corner where this place that takes all your money to provide supposedly comprehensive services, doesn’t provide a needed service. Because they have all your money you have nothing to pay for that service.
It’s just a huge mess and the only solution I see is to get the dissociation/ alters under control myself. If this is truly a long term issue I can leave it for later. Some things in life come up, and you can’t address them at the time so you have to let them go into unconsciousness until you can deal with them. This is one of those times.
And just like all the other symptoms, the physical movement problems, talking, sensory overload, went away because the environment would not support me having all those problems I’m hoping the dissociation disorder will go away too due to lack of safety around any kind of treatment or support.