So part two of the conversation was us talking about the whole therapy situation.
I said how hard it’s been that I haven’t had therapy in months and that I’ll have to see someone else. I was honest and said I’d be asking for a med adjustment on Monday. She gets worried around that, once she said “just because the stress goes up doesn’t mean the meds go up.” I’m like LOL, that actually is often the case. She could never ever deal with antidepressants or antianxiety or even meds for physical problems. So she associates these meds with serious issues that make things worse. I’m confident even a small change will be good. I haven’t had any med changes since first starting with Dr. Fyazz a few years ago.
Anyway she asked me if he actually told me he couldn’t see me. I said no but his silence and just the whole situation said it all. My mom, for all her issues, is an amazingly strong advocate for herself and her kids. Especially with me. She taught me everything I know about advocating for myself. Well a lot I had to learn the hard way. But anyway. She hasn’t stepped in she said, but she said sometimes you have to.
I was saying how Anna said that she’d tried to get ahold of him over all this time but couldn’t. She said she “knows Anna” (she only had a few conversations with her around the whole trip drama) and said she’s so timid she doubts she actually did what she says. At the time apparently Anna told her that she, Anna, can always get ahold of Jonathan. She said she could call Jonathan and ask to speak to him. Then call Anna and say that she said she could always get ahold of him so what was going on?
From the start I was like well not sure what good this would do. She said if she got him to give me a straight answer once and for all that would bring closure. I said it wasn’t so much about that as all the time I’ve spent plain without an outlet as therapy is. Because recently it hasn’t been so much the continuing to want to meet as just trying to get along without anyone to meet with, besides Anna who can’t handle intense emotion well without becoming emotional herself. I don’t want to totally close the door on our relationship, because on reflection there is a chance that he might come back to being somewhat of his old self and then some connection can be had. We’ve just gone through so much to just turn away. He even said should one of us leave the facility we would still be connected/ have a friendly relationship. I was a bit surprised a professional would say this, you usually can’t be friends with your therapist. But at the time it showed his commitment and he tends to be creative on what is considered unbreakable rules so who knows.
So with all that closure in the sense of shutting the door and walking away forever isn’t what I want. I did say it would be nice if Jonathan could at least help in the process of this transition to a new therapist thing. Like talk to this Mark guy, Sandra recommends and like pave the way or do something.
So I was like ok that might help. She said she’d call/ text Jonathan Monday, then a few days later Anna. She said to give her a week.
I thought about it hard. Usually I appreciate my mom’s advocacy and it’s always gotten great results though more than ruffled many feathers, and sometimes sent people running away from her in fear. So I know she’s not at all afraid to take on a challenge. And if this was like the first or second time this had happened, her coming at him saying I’m in a crisis and need him might be what he would need to refocus his attention on me. But this is a very complex pattern of his of lack of communication when under stress and seeming to only be able to focus on one thing at a time. It’s been there over the years, and I’ve navigated the breaks in our time together well, and when I didn’t it was overall good for the relationship that we got through the hurt/ angry feelings. But with all the discussions I know he came out always saying he could work with me. Knowing that, even if my mom managed to chase him down I have a feeling that’s what he’d say. In that case not an honest answer.
I just plain don’t think he’s capable of being honest about this personality quirk of his. We all have things that are hard to admit to even especially it seems, professionals. And those qualities loom large in the therapy relationship where everything feels close up. We expect a certain thing from our therapists, especially around communication. And sadly he’s unable to do that. Maybe that’s why he’s not in practice anymore. Maybe this new clinical director role is what he’ll be in now, and hopefully they’ll bring in more master’s level staff to do therapy with people. I know how genuinely he’s always wanted to, and has helped all residents here. And how genuinely he’s wanted to, and has supervised staff here.
So some of this behavior while normal for him is more pronounced and so that much harder to handle. And so that much more likely he won’t admit to anything. If it were just a I can’t talk to resident’s thing, I’d have more confidence in my mom making some headway. Since she could say hey you had this relationship with your residents, what’s going on you can’t just leave them hanging! Or even other staff like Anna could point this out. But since this applies to staff as well, and maybe even others in my mom’s position like family members it’s again not likely to get a positive response.
Looking at it realistically even the wanting to have him help ease the transition to a new therapist is wanting something he can’t at this moment give. So it’s really pointless pursuing him on this, if the point is to get an honest response. We know the truth, he just can’t admit it himself. Sad and infuriating, and yes you question his professionalism on that level.
I think it’s important in relationships to know when to fight for something you need, and when to let go or wait because you know you’re just hitting your head against the wall. If there were a chance of getting a positive outcome from my mom fighting my corner then of course I’d let her. I just think there isn’t anything to be gained except more proof that he can’t be honest even when faced with an angry mom!
So I told her this and I hope she understands. I can express myself better in writing and she can’t cut me off so we’ll see.
The conversation just confirmed for me what I have to do. Which is quit whineing about how hard it is to find a new therapist and just do it. And be open to Jonathan perhaps going back to somewhat of his old self at some point.