Hi everyone,
Today is the last day of 2015. I can’t believe how quickly the year goes by. Things have happened this year that are just wonderful. I have a lot of hope for the new year and am really proud of my accomplishments.
Accomplishments of 2015
Have had Edith, my amazing PRSC (social worker) for a whole year!
Got my amazing psychiatrist Dr. Fyazz (who also goes to a solid psych unit) for a year.
Was not hospitalized. Last hospitalization june 2014
Trained and started volunteering with crisis textline.
Have continued my therapy with Jonathan. For awhile it felt like I’d be getting a new therapist but am so happy we reconnected.
Jess and I continue to live in our awesome double room!
Goals for 2016
Continue therapy with Jonathan.
Keep working with Edith and hope she stays the whole year.
Keep Dr. Fyazz as my psychiatrist.
Visit my family with Jess. That’ll be a huge one.
Volunteer with national runaway safeline and continue with CTL
Continue making connections with the online mental health community and in person.
Continue research and investigation into other situations for Jess and I for when we choose to move.
Continue this awesome blog.
I think the biggest change and something I’ve processed myself as I haven’t wanted to bring it up to staff is this desire I have, genuine desire not something pushed on me to move someday. That I can imagine that someday Jess and I could leave here and create a new life together. To actually want a different life, knowing that things will be in transition and unstable for a time. But with some intuitive feeling that a time will come when I and she will need to be somewhere else in order to keep growing.
I hate talking about the future or thinking about it. I have so much anxiety anyway that it’s just too much. Often things loom so presently something happening six months from now can feel like it’s about to happen tomorrow. Feeling like I’m on someone else’s timeline, whatever has to be finished by this certain point, therapy or moving out or whatever puts so much pressure on me.
This new feeling of calmly being able to think about the future and feel strongly that there are things outside of here that I want, that I know I can only get by leaving here is amazing! That I can deal emotionally with the complexity of knowing that I’m in a really good solid place. That I have basically everything it seems to keep me stable, and to keep my symptoms really at bay. And yet knowing that I’d do something I know would disturb all that in interest of wanting something more for my life.
This goes beyond anything I’ve ever felt even before my breakdown. I had my passions but I never imagined willingly creating a new life in order to get more. When I was at Friedman I figured I’d stay at Friedman forever. That I had everything I needed there and my anxiety being such that thinking anymore about it, feeling anymore about it would be too much. So it wasn’t something I even was conscious of. This happened not because of some therapy session where someone lectured me about how I need to think about this stuff stop worrying I’m making things worse ET ETC. It wasn’t due to a med change. It was all organic coming up slowly but solidly. It’s left it’s mark on me. I don’t think about it every single day. If I do I get either restless or anxious. It comes and goes by itself I try not to force it to stay or push it away and it’s been around for a good month or so that I’m used to it. Even if I totally went back to feeling like the only way I could keep myself stable was to live here, (keep growing as a person but feeling like I needed the security of what I have here) nothing could undue this natural step forward. That came out of nowhere and slowly but then all at once, like how a child learns to walk or talk, you notice it a lot at first and then it’s like you’ve been doing it all along.
That’s the best part of this year. And something I hope can carry me into next year.
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Matters to Sam 