Good saturday

Today was a good Saturday. I took two naps yay naps! Jess says I probably am still just ast adjusting to the increase in lamyctol plus my general depression.

Anyway I always seem to need a lot of sleep.

The rest of the afternoon Jess and I looked at dolls and clothes for them. And took pictures of my babies. People on an fb group may give away some clothes so that would be awesome!

So a good relaxed day.

Oh called Dad. Well called mom’s cell and he answered. I like talking with him because he’s always easygoing and joking and stuff. He said there is a lot of back and forth with the buyers but things will probably work out.

Clearly they’re still not on the same page about moving. Mom was saying like I said earlier that they might move to a low income senior condo in the area. Dad’s like yeah like we could afford that LOL! He said he’s getting on a snowmobile in maine and where ever it stops that’s where he’ll live. And throw Lucky out halfway LOL! He does absolutely love that cat. Just won’t admit it just like Krissy. Lucky was doing his it’s time to eat meowy routine. That cat is so weird. If anyone tries to purposely record him doing it he’ll shut up like he knows he’s being recorded!

So that was good to talk to him.

Other than that has been a relaxing day.


Anna is leaving

I have been sort of expecting this for months. Every time she comes in totally distracted, always under the weather physically (this job does affect your immune system!) and just knowing how emotionally sensitive she is. I figured it was only a matter of time. Her emotional vulnerability was getting on my nerves but not enough to request a new PRC. Like Jonathan said way back when I worked with Stephanie for weeks without being able to really connect, I’ve been developing more patience.

Anyway so I figured in the new year she would leave. The big PRC exit times are usuallyAugust and December/ January. Or june. Going to school, looking for new jobs, things happening with family at all those times.

I just didn’t think it would happen this soon.

Anna came by for our meeting late due to a code yellow. I was surprised she came at all as when codes happen all bets are off in terms of scheduled meetings and things. I reviewed the past week. Apparently no one told her about the Lamyctol/ Patel disaster. She didn’t seem overly reactive/ surprised/ empathetic about the whole thing. I asked her if she’d experienced similar with her. She sat truly deep in thought for a good twenty seconds. Then she says totally her transparent self, well if I had to think about it that long I guess the answer is yes.

I told her about the Bobbie talk and how she had said that a lot of people would be leaving at the end of the year.

Which was the perfect time for her to say she was leaving. Before our meeting I had been thinking about asking her if she would be leaving just to test my she’s burnt out/ ready to move on theory. She struggled with her words for a minute. Finally saying that she got accepted into a graduate program. What did I think that might mean?

I said you’re leaving. She said she was about to cry/ have tears in her eyes! OMG glad I was the calm one. Soo Anna.

She’s going to a school that specializes in child therapy. She said after I asked about her being burnt out/ this job not being for her, that she did enjoy working here. Why would she have worked here a year and five months if she didn’t? I told her many people in human services work at jobs that they dislike or don’t fit them due to needing the job. Apparently she literally never thought of that.

So we talked. She thinks the newest PRC Shamaya would be good. She said she’s like a funner version of Monica. Any Monica reference makes me a bit worried about someone leaning in the textbook overclinical direction. But we’ll see.

Of course like I said she was totally talking about how sad this makes her/ she’s like with tears in her eyes. I’m not sure hat she wanted me to do let her borrow one of my dolls?

She literally said she plays with my dolls while we talk. At least she stays in one place now and doesn’t toss stress balls around, because I hid them. Oh yeah she’ll be great with kids! Maybe she needs play therapy for herself!

It really didn’t hit me til after she left that she is leaving. I’m not so upset about her personally, it’s more that I’ve gotten used to her and all her reactions to things. And in spite of her clear emotional quirks, she’s consistent. She gets things done when needed. The biggest thing she ever did was try to get things ready for the trip when J bailed. And came at two thirty in the morning to take us to the airport.

That kinda makes up for her issues, maybe.

I’ve had so much going on though. I mean no Jonathan is huge and at least I know what to expect talking to her. After her very emotional response to my getting mad at her (the first time I really got emotional,) I’ve steered the conversations to more chat sessions. Though after no Jonathan I’v said more about my feelings. Not having to look out for her emotionally will be a relief.

I can’t believe we worked together for over a year. Clearly she feels very strongly that we’re friends, or like have this super amazing connection. Orr wants that almost feels she needs it. I hope she develops a thicker skin and more realistic expectations around how to be with clients. Managing her emotions and all that. It’s just now I have the issue of trying to connect with a new PRC in the mix of everything going on. Like I wish she coulda stayed through either the house selling or my mom’s surgeries or both.

So we’ll see how this goes. A shame it had to happen just a week after I got stabilized on my lamyctol.

Next week we’ll have our first joint meeting. I’m usually pretty spot on with first impressions.Will keep you posted.


Really good couple days think neww dose of lamyctol has kicked in!

So have had a really good couple days!

Have had my usual morning naps that spill into noontime since lately I choose either lunch or dinner to go to. Can’t believe big sis is letting me. She says I’m spoiled LOL! But really what’s the point of dragging me to a meal where I won’t eat anything?

Anyway so stuff I’ve been up to. Looked at BCBS ICP therapists so can maybe find someone for the new year. Sadly can’t find anyone that strikes me. Particularly as all of them that have psychology today profiles use solution focused stuff.

Whish some of the more innovative creative therapists were available. Now that therapists can individually contract with these Medicaid managed care plans maybe that could happen.

I think our first priority after the holidays is looking into other SMHRFS before they start tearing apart the building!

Anyway I put all the people in a reasonable distance in a file which I’ll send to Anna and hopefully she can share with other staff. I love doing things like that!

Talked to a friend who’s been in the hospital a couple weeks. She’s the one who’s been on the streets since June. I’m so glad this hospital is keeping her until they find a placement for her.

I also talked to my mom. She had called me last Friday but I never checked my voicemail and have it off due to chatterbox. Anyway it was soo awesome to talk with her. She seems like she’s doing so much better. The potential buyers she was talking about the last time we talked are still certainly on the radar and it’s possible they can finally have this place off their hands after the holidays! Not totally sure and d no one wants to jinx it but yeah.

We talked about Lucky sleeping through the inspections. And mom finding him rolled up in the clean matriss pad she folded yesterday! She’s like this is heavy and it was him!

I’ll never get tired of that cat’s antics. I just wish we had more videos.

Mom had a long talk with Grammy who’s pretty sensible about most things who recommended they get a condo wherever through elderly housing so would be really cheap. Hard to believe mom is 62! Not sure how old Dad is. But anyway that sounds like a good idea.

She loved when I sent her info on housing listing sites and the best areas of MA to live in. She’s interested in exploring western MA once she’s rented something to live after moving out which would probably be in the acton area but cheaper.

So I’ll do research on that.

She talked about seeing her counselor who she still won’t tell me her name! I feel like rumpleskiltson or whoever, the person who had to guess this guy’s name in a fairytale!

I guess the woman’s good. She put a stress management ap on her phone and mom actually uses it!

We talked about how I’m doing. I told her the whole Patel disaster. She said it’s soo textbook for Patel to ask about the holidays right away.

So we had a really long good conversation.

It’s just a huge relief to know she’s doing ok. Except for her problems walking up and down the stairs.

Other than that I’ve been just chillaxing. Not sure what projects I’ll get up to next. Just glad I have motivation and energy again.


Can’t believe Krystal is 22 and awesome Walmart trip

So it’s Krissy’s birthday today! I can’t believe she’s 22. How time flies seriously!

I actually got to talk to her too! That was like a present for me too because I haveen’t talked to her since the trip if you can believe it!

She had a long weekend for veterian’s day and so probably went and saw the horses and friends at home.

She says things are fine at the house. But she’s like my dad and minimizes things. I know mom is probably just as depressed as the last time e talked. AndI have a feeling since I didn’t hear from her in the past week those buyers were another false alarm.

Anyway we went to walmart for our monthly trip. It was raining out boo!

But we got all our essentials including a surprise burger king! It was yummylicious.

Came home took my bath and had a long nap. Was very tired. Happy I diidn’t have to go down for dinner.

We’ll see what this week brings. I thought I’d hear from Anna but I guess she actually wasn’t in this weekend so I’m sure next week she’ll be here full of apologies and trying to be the best caseworker ever LOL!

Talk to you later. The best part of the day was burger king!


The four year anniversary of my breakdown: The positive and negative forces of change

Stuff that happened on November 10, 2013.

The power went off for a while in the morning. And they had to fix the generator. Jack, a father figure type, very intellectual clueless person, is still convinced I was so anxious about the generator that’s why I got suicidal LOL!

I had an unexpected orientation with a new volunteer before lunch. One of my self-appointed jobs was keeping Beth a very scattered activity/ volunteer coordinator somewhat organized. Despite my best efforts she still did stuff at the last minute.

I had peanut butter and jelly for lunch.

I went up to my room and continued my work of the morning which was researching group homes in NC where a friend of mine lived.

About an hour later in spite of just eating I felt dizzy upset stomach weak and just weird. I went to the bathroom. And woke up some unknown amount of time later having fell off the toilet and in a totally different position than you’d be if you just slipped off. I was so confused. I couldn’t remember where I was, what day it was. Jack was actually leaving me a message about the stupid generator! I was like who is this guy!

I quickly recognized all this as a seizure. And though the call light was right above me on the wall I knew that it would take a very long time forCNAS to respond. So I slowly crawled out of the bathroom and waited til I had the strength to walk up to the nurse’s station.

You all know the rest. If not here’s one of my posts on the subject. I wasn’t blogging in November of 2014 and might not have even noticed the anniversary. But I think I’ve gotten the two other dates written up.

Rather than retell that story I want to talk about the positive, and negative changes that lead up to it/ were ahead of it if I’d stayed in my current situation and compare that with my sense of changes happening now.

The last change that sent me over the edge was the seizure that so altered my brain chemistry. Gathering all the pent up emotions and suicidal thoughts that had been in the back of my mind into a coherent plan within hours.

But I was very close to that edge even before the seizure.

Forces from behind: Years of emotional abuse, and being in a very dysfunctional family. I basically didn’t know how to handle life emotionally. And even though I’d recently had some awesome therapy, I still needed a lot of support. Which my past therapist in MA gave me. But I just couldn’t find a therapist in my price range, which was like $10 a week, ( and at the time there was no Medicaid managed care so less options.) So I found inexperienced interns. I did see an amazing angel of a therapist, a close to retirement energetic dance therapist. When she retired in October 2013 and we could no longer have our monthly visit that was a big push towards the edge. As she was one that really did get me and offered approaches to truly help me express myself.

I did a lot of frantic projects to avoid my emotions. And eventually gave up on ever finding a therapist that would get me. Self-harm became the daily norm.

Forces from in front: I was facing a visit in December two weeks back with family having not seen them since they dropped me off in June 2012. Because I did not want to face my mounting distress I tried to not think about the visit. But I had so much anxiety about that things would be just the same as when I moved, and I’d fall into the same constant reactions and they’d have the same reactions about me not being able to handle even slight ups and downs. Tried expressing this to some people but again I don’t think anyone really got the depth of my pain and how trapped I felt.

Am not sure whether to classify this as a back or forward change, I guess future as by the time I left it basically had taken place. Friedman Place was under major reconstruction organizationally. One of my major frantic projects was working alongside the organizational consultant to hopefully lay the ground for a whole new environment. One that among a number of things, was embracing of those with additional disabilities especially mental illness. Something that affected many residents but that no one really talked about, except hospitalizing people when they reached a crisis and a psychiatrist medicating away.

This could have gone either way. Everyone working on this project thought the person they chose for new director would be perfect to put Friedman Place on a good new path. Had that been the case I don’t know what my life would be like today. Since we had no way of knowing we could not have been more wrong about this guy, my decision to fight for the care I deserved and needed was a crucial and needed one. At the time things were basically still as usual so had I gone back to FP where supposedly trilogy staff would have helped me, that likely wouldn’t have happened and I would have cycled in and out of the hospital. And when Alexander truly got going cutting services and wanting the place to not even be supportive living I really would have been lost.

So you can see how all those forces pushed me towards the life change that took place that day, but had been gathering momentum for months.

Similarly I feel like a huge life change, hopefully not a breakdown is coming up.

To follow our chart. (I feel like I’m Jonathan writing on his board and pacing around!)

Forces from behind:

The huge amount of work I’ve done in therapy over all the years I’ve been here. It’s allowed me to get more and more comfortable expressing my feelings, though I believe this will always be hard, my defaults will always be triggered from what I went through growing up, and in order to continue to heal I’ll always need some kind of supportive people/ places to get unconditional acceptance and tools around this.

Therapy also helped me mentally and emotionally work through my relationship with my parents especially my mom. Really getting that things that happened weren’t my fault. And that as Jonathan so eloquently put it in regards to my sister “You can be victimized but not a victim.”

All this along with the natural passage of time and several false starts made me truly ready for the visit home in august. What that did was huge. It proved I could leave the comfort and relative safety of the facility and do something on my own. That I do in fact love many things in MA that I strongly feel I couldn’t get in any other states. It connected me with good people who genuinely seem like supports for the future.

Another huge thing we did in therapy was exploring my relationship with myself and my ability to be a friend/ support others. There was a lot of self-worth issues around that that came from relentlessly hard times and lots of negative unhelpful interactions with peers, and my parents totally making things worse. That took a lot of emotional work. Connecting with Jess, and Kat ( and the whole blind/ deaf thing), was huge. Especially Jess. We continue to ride the ups and downs of life together and are inseparable, in a healthy way of course. I never had that in my life and I know my future will be so different with someone I love by my side than it would be with me adrift and alone.

Forces in front: Albany’s transition to a SMHRF facility. It’s amazing what you can find online! A little research yesterday brought up manuals and everything on the whole program! I’ll be doing some in depth reading but from what I got from Bobbie yesterday, Albany Care is one of the last places to make the transition. Which is probably the reason for the huge chaotic rush where it seems like the whole foundation of things around here is being torn apart.

Thank goodness for people like Bobbie to make sense of it all or at least provide some perspective.

It figures again that ahuge change in the organization of where I’m living will propel me forward again. They say all this is for the better but I’m just not sure. The loss of Jonathan, as things were, and clearly he’s not even in the same role anymore. If I’m reading right and Bobbie confirmed, he is being .[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[trained as the executive director of the whole place. Which explains just about everything from all his time stuck in Tosie’s office, to his withdrawing from residents in staff, to his being out of the building. His core problem of communication issues just makes things worse.

Now that I have an intellectual handle on the issue it’s easier to deal with. Though facing the prospect of a new therapist so soon is very daunting.

As I said yesterday I refuse to have walls physically torn down in front of me. So in January we will pursue tours. As I posted yesterday this one company in particular has transitioned all their places over and one in particular has all the components of the new program. Including a four month transitional living program. Wouldn’t it be awesome to do that and gain so much confidence and skills and then be able to move back to MA?

It’s exciting and very scary to think about but I know I have support. Jess for one. We can face whatever together. Hopefully some people from here will do something towards helping, I know we have Bobbie’s blessing. Not sure how long Anna will last and Jonathan is out.

Some things about the way these changes feel remind me of the breakdown. The whole disaster with Patel reminded me of how my meds were all over the place. And abruptly no therapy certainly reminds me of those lonely times. But I have hope for the future. If what’s written on this one site is true they are providing the type of therapy that I imagined a mental health facility would when I first walked in the door. In that case I should have solid support going forward.

Lastly I have a certain maturity and strength of character and ability to bounce back. I can speak my mind and my meltdowns might mean some depressed days but don’t mean cutting and being hospitalized. Bobbie even commented yesterday “You’ve changed so much. You used to be so quiet and withdrawn. I’d just sit in the lobby and watch you.”

Yeah withdrawn til I exploded. That was life for me. But not anymore or at least not now. Some of that will always lurk in the background, hence my strong asertion that I need both meds and therapy to stay balanced. And so though it feels like a strong wind pushing me towards a new edge the conditions are very different. There’s hope and excitement and support. That’s what keeps a person going through the hardest of times.


Anxious horible night last night but finally straightened out Lamyctol mess

Ugh last night was terrible.

Since that disaster of an appointment with Patel and the dose being split I tried to tell myself everything was fine with it. But couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that I was missing a huge amount of meds. Just something didn’t feel right about how she’d adjusted things. Not physically/ emotionally, from the med change yet thank goodness, but mentally thinking about the pills I take it just didn’t add up.

I feel bad for not knowing what dose of medications I take probably this wouldn’t have happened had I known this. I likely wouldn’t have even asked for a med change if I knew I was on the maximum amount for efexor and close for Lamyctol.

Anyway so I spent all night counting pills in my head. And finally realized that in fact going by the dose I had before Monday I was missing 50 mg. Jess helped me figure it out. When you have a med with two different doses you have two different orders for it in the computer. We thought that what she’d done is split the 100, only seeing that and not seeing the 50 MG that I used to get in the morning.

Took me ages to come up with all that with Jess’s patient help in the middle of the night! Woke up at four thirty crying about how I’m gonna hate getting a new therapist and I got an ativan.

Debo is an awesome nurse who works overnight and some evenings now that we have like no evening nurse. He understood what I said and actually saw it in the chart.

He said he’d leave a note for someone to talk to Patel when she came in next week.

Actually got some sleep til breakfast. Talked to grumpy but still loves me, LOL, morning nurse Ms. Earl. Her classic reaction “You didn’t tell her what you wanted!” Yeah ok.

So no help there.

Was soo tired because was literally up all night. Took a very long nap til 12:30 Then went downstairs. Jonathan was actually in the nursing office meeting with Karen nursing director. So we talked to Brian her assistant. He is very nice and patient and gets things done particularly with pharmacies contacting doctors and any other mix ups that are like a daily thing around here.

I explained it. Of course he only had my current stuff on the computer. And the stuff before it was changed Monday was in my paper chart. Why they don’t have absolutely everything in the computer I had no idea!

So he had to call and have someone physically bring the thing down. I was upset and just so freaking out that I’d have a reaction to not having my full dose in me. I had a huge agitated reaction to having no meds for two passes in 2014 and I got violent and it was intense.

Anyway while we were waiting we talked with Bobbie the healthcare QA (like the qa for clinical stuff but to like mediate among all the physical health professionals and handle all that)

She’s been there a million years. She’s like someone’s Gramma. Very very caring and wise.

Both Jess and I had a very interesting long talk with her. And she let us. She let us just talk and say our frustrations and she just listened and was totally compassionate. Both of us had issues, Jess’s more pressing than mine around her Dr. and insurance and stuff. When she says she’s gonna get something done she does.

So we talked about all the craziness going on here. And basically found out that they’re putting Jonathan into like an executive director position here. And the clinical director will be like a whole other role.

So that’s the story on what’s up with him. She said after I told her about being lost in limbo with no therapy for months that if she saw him she’d put him in a headlock!

She agreed in her own way that Stephanie left due to standing up to him. And said in her own round about way, that others would likely be leaving soon. Oh joy!

Jess and I got some good information. Basically once we totally switch over to bluecross, those insurance letters come in slowly, we’re gonna explore getting outside medical doctors and psychiatrists. Psychiatrist more important for me. I’m sick of everyone who comes in here. She confirmed after I outlined almost word for word our very short appointment, that that’s Patel in a nutshell. Always wanting to cut people short and basically like not doing her job.

She recommended a psychiatrist at Northwestern, which is a great hospital! So we’ll see. There’s a whole process for getting an outside doctor, they have to meet some strict requirements around who knows, mostly saying they’re available at all hours. Which apparently the ones who come here claim although many do not act that way when called!

Jess really wants a new medical doctor and with her complex medical history she does need a solid one. Mine is just as bad but I don’t have the health history she does. I still laugh about the whole “pregnancy test” thing.

The more we heard her talk about the upcoming changes here, and the changes already, the more we’re just not gonna hang in with this place through the transition especially physical construction.

My dad is a carpenter. When my parents bought our house when I was little I lived with construction. When I was 14 Dad put the edition on our house and I lived with construction, and in Jr. High and high school I had construction. I am not gonna live at a place, especially this place with these people, with saws and hammers and walls coming down. I have had enough of that in my life! These people don’t know what they’re in for!

There are facilities that have completed this transition to be a specialized mental health rehabilitation facility.

Actually Margaret Manor, that we visited in July 2015 is no longer called Margaret manor it’s called Douglas Park or something.

The site is below.

It shows the four places that this company oversees, similar to how Sir Management oversees Albany care and others.

You can see how it’s got nothing to do with being called a nursing home, has all mental health rehab stuff like WRAP in it ETC.

Our end goal is MA. But til then we think a smaller place, that’s all transitioned and not going through this craziness is our next step. Because honestly, Jonathan was the person who got me back to life again. And over the past four years he’s had his huge mishaps and I’ve forgiven him. And I’ll never say that he didn’t do his job because he went above and beyond when he was there. But now this is clearly a whole new state of things and if he’s gonna be a director of the whole facility he’s not gonna see residents much. There’s just no stability now. And that’s not good.

It felt really good to just talk all that out. It felt good to talk to someone who was totally straight with us, clearly cares about us and wants the best for us. The awesome Maintainance guy left because as she said “he finally listened to his Albany mom”!

She promised she wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon which is a breath of fresh air. She had to keep shhh, about who’s leaving but we’re guessing some people. We’ll see if we’re right.

Oh and to end the suspense. Finally figured out what Patel did. She actually did raise it as I asked to 200. The schedule is 50 in the morning, 50 at five PM and 100 at night. So that got all totally screwed up.

Like Bobbie said she cut it short. All she said was I can raise your lamyctol ok? And was out the door. Well said I was out the door. So yeah. If I hadn’t trusted my intuition I know I would have gotten the totally wrong dose maybe for weeks or at least days longer than now.

Oh and to top it all off, Anna said she’d see me today but forgot that she worked the weekend this weekend. It amused me that Brian and someone said that since Anna wasn’t there Jonathan would actually follow up with me. Of course I was able to hear right from Brian, and grumpy but pleased Ms. Earl, about the med so he didn’t have to.

So yeah what a day? I think Anna’s getting wrung out too. Bobbie totally agreed with me and my mom, that Anna is timidand overemotional. Bobbie said she was childlike. I told her about how I can’t open up to her because I clearly majorly hurt her feelings in August.

So yeah one drama is enough for a few weeks LOL or more.


better day

Just wanted to quickly write and say today has been better.

I had my morning nap and routine. This afternoon hung out. The internet was being very slow and not working so I listened to an audio book for awhile. Then did some work looking up mental health resources for a friend. She’s homeless in CA and has been since June. She’s dealing with mental illness and is also partially sighted.

The mental health system in Ca is like horrific. Like worse than IL. I’m sure other states are worse than those two.

But yeah have two friends there her and another blind friend with mental illness and they’re just hanging on and are often just given the crisis number for support and no other services.

This girl homeless has been through a couple shelters, board and care unlicensed homes with poor nutrition, dirty and very unqualified abusive staff. Like just horrific conditions. They just kick people out and have like no rules or are religion based which just means they force Christianity on people.

I just can’t believe these places get away with being unlicensed. At least Albany Care and other places have been licensed as long as I c can see from reading and now will have even better standards I’d imagine.

Anyway what really killed me about her situation was I found this peer run/ support based organization called SHARE. They had a lot of support groups and stuff and said they offered housing. Made it sound awesome with all this support and stuff. Well both their “crisis retreat” and housing they offered were horrible. Basically the same experience as the board and care just not called that. It really disappointed me and I feel so bad for my friend.

Every where she turns there’s literally nothing. She’s in the hospital not the first time in this ordeal, and I’m hoping that they don’t discharge her to the same shelter that is treating her badly. Looking at different sites for help is hard as they all promise such good support when clearly the population of people on the streets is increasing and it seems services are not enough and certainly poor quality.

It makes me grateful to live here at Albany Care. Because for so many we would be on the streets. Housing for people with disabilities is just so limited and community support, mental health care, to help the person maintain their life in that housing is just so poor.

Am hoping places like Albany get better with the new licensing as there are a lot of pros to these programs especially when the community services are otherwise so poor.

Anyway so thought a lot about that today.

Will be sending my deaf friend a letter. She’s taken to sending me Letters that Jess reads for me, as well as calling. She says they’re gonna discharge her in a few months. It’ll be a year that she’s been at Chicago Reed. I will say she appears to beng getting consistent good care there. And there doesn’t seem to be violence or anything that I’d expect from hearing about a statee hospital.

Anyway tomorrow we go to walmart. No money for burger king. It seems like the past couple months with the $60 we’ve gone through it faster than before! We made a mistake wwith the pizza order we got over the weekend. We thought it was 20 and it was like 26 so that’s like half mine. Then Jess has stuff for hers she needs to buy so no extra money.

Oh well. Don’t want to talk to Mom about it. Or talk to her at all. Because she’s so depressed. It hurts to hear her like that.

Anyway hopefully tomorrow will be a good shopping trip.


Depressed day and lamyctol dose split rather than doubled

Hi everyone,

So for whatever reason today has been a depressed day. I honestly think part of it is the meeting with Dr. Patel was a really big let down. I had been both excited and anxious to open up to a professional who could actually do something concrete about my treatment, I.E med adjustment. I thought she’d express more caring and I might even get emotional. This both made me anxious and I thought in the back of my mind maybe it would be a relief. To have a little connection like that.

And it soo wasn’t. Not sure if I made it clear that when I said that I had been depressed for a few months she didn’t ask about symptoms. Like troubles sleeping, eating, crying, thoughts of self-harm (since I have a history of that) or even being suicidal. All reasonable and expected questions when one says they’re depressed. But no not one question.

So that was just a huge let down. Then found out both last night and this morning that rather than my lamyctol being doubled, as she said she’d do after the whole no way reaction, it’s been split throughout the day.

Here’s the confusing part. I’ve been on this med since 2013 when they first put me on it right after my welbutrin seizure. Like all my meds it’s been raised over the years. Something that can happen, and it’s my fault I should have been more careful about writing everything down, is when living in a place like this since the nurses handle all meds you can forget what dose you’re on.

So I was told before this recent change I was on 100 mg once a day. And now I’m on 50 mg twice a day. But I have this feeling in the back of my mind like I thought I was taking lamyctol twice a day before?

In which case maybe I was on 200 mg instead of 100 mg? In which case she dramatically lowered it.

I’m hoping not. But thinking that anyway, regardless of the dose it’s been split.

Which I’ve never experienced as a med adjustment. Only ever had stuff raised or lowered. The only thing I can find about splitting a dose is to help if the whole dose has a bad effect at a certain time of day like people being more tired with it during the day time so taking it all at night.

And this being done early in the treatment.

English is not Dr. Patel’s first language. Though she speaks pretty well. It is possible I guess that she could have confused the words split and doubled. The welbutrin prescribing psych I went to was greek and we had some very frustrating conversations because he totally mixed up words!

So I don’t know. Just not sure what to expect with this change. And was not at all helped by that appointment.

Today then as I said depressed. Weepy in the early morning, and throughout the day. Worried about Jess who didn’t go to therapy. Just hope she’s really ok as my ongoing depression has been well, ongoing. And will probably take quite awhile to balance out, lamyctol aside. The holidays realistically will be sad, and the biggest thing is the loss of Jonathan. I mean it honestly feels like he’s left the place completely. Both Patel and Barbara, Dr. office secretary said how busy he is, that he has “new responsibilities” and that’s such a good thing. Great! I don’t know if he gets Tosi the admin’s position but communicate with me, and others.

So yeah slept a lot. Generally just hung out without having much fun.

Worried about Jess going to the hospital or observation room (though she’s doing totally awesome! And is no way in crisis) because I’d really lose it without her there like all the time. Just don’t want to wear her out.

I’m sad and worried about Christmas and not having money for presents.

There are a lot of dates coming up. The 10th is the anniversary of my breakdown. The next day is my parent’s anniversary (to which I always marvel that they are actually still married) and the next day is my sister’s birthday. She’ll be 22, and very quickly branching out into a completely independent life and probably will not have much to do with us after college. Which is perhaps how things should be, she was so confined all her life at home, but still sad.

Plus my period should be soon. So yeah.

And thinking about therapy. I guess the good thing about me seeing a colleague of Jess’s therapist is that she’s the head of the place so knows the others well. It’s a very small practice.

So I have a bunch of questions about Mark. Will write down and send to Anna and maybe get some general answers.

Transportation for therapy will be tricky. It will cost $24 a month if I used paratransit. I could use the medicar but there are so many mix ups and very strange drivers that I’m not sure I even want to. I might just do therapy every other week to cut down the cost. I don’t know.

It’s just so hard I was on a certain path with Jonathan about exploring and expressing my emotions in the moment, and we just had such a strong relationship that took forever for me to truly get that nothing I said or did would push him away. He did say he’d always be there for me no matter what which is a lie.

Point being I just don’t know how this guy will be with me. I’m a very complex person. Jonathan says I’m my own language. Many therapists would rather label me with things like that I’m too sensitive/ emotional or other things than really connect with me.

So I just don’t know. I’m looking forward to therapy I guess, because I know I need it. But the work to get into even somewhat of a comfortable relationship is just gonna be absolutely horrible for me. Being depressed and anxious in the first place, and then feeling worse establishing this relationship without any input/ help from Jonathan to transition even.

I know I would have to change therapist when I moved. But I’m not moving now and this just came up out of nowhere.

It makes me just want to not do therapy. But that’s part of what lead to my breakdown over time. Doubt it would get that bad because I have Jess who knows me so well and wouldn’t let me just keep my feelings in, and even if I did start cutting I’d be very quickly caught and something would happen. But just remembering that time how hard I did try with different interns. And that was with the full support of Deborah my therapist from MA. And eventually just said whatever.

And after my breakdown, the only way I started therapy in the first place was basically Jonathan making me as part of my care plan around SI. And for awhile I didn’t even want to think of it as therapy. I was convinced that therapy would just make things worse as my life was totally destroyed at the time. And if I couldn’t find someone who got me before I ended up in this totally out of this world nightmare, I didn’t have much hope now.

So yeah just don’t know what to think.


Psychiatrist appointment

Hi everyone,

So the big day my appointment!

Was not at all as earth shattering as I thought. In one of the many scenes of what I thought would happen I pictured me totally breaking down in front of her over just everything. And us like getting more connected and stuff. You usually only see your psych here for like five ten minutes. And literally all the other times I’ve seen her there have been no problems at all. Even the first time I saw her she had my past charts and all my information so took a very quick history and that was it.

Though of course some psychiatrists can make the most of this time as Dr. Fyazz was able to do especially with Jess. And some with myself. She definitely listened to what you had to say and showed she cared.

So I got in there and the first thing I said was that I’d been depressed over the past few months. Right away she asked if it was from the holidays. Which is kinda stereotypical and not sure why she went there first.

I told her the part about my family, mom health issues, selling the house. She really didn’t say anything except that it’s really hard to sell houses. Duh!!

Then I went on to the major point that a big reason for why I was depressed was that Jonathan who I said had been my therapist for three/ four years, now has just stopped communicating. She said calmly well they can replace.

I had actually been prepared for this in my head so didn’t go off at all. It also helped that I had been making plans for awhile to be getting a new therapist. So it wasn’t the same as if she said they can replace him, and I had no idea how that would go.

I said I’d be seeing someone down the street. I asked about insurance and she said blue cross Medicaid so that’s what we’ll be going with. So she really said nothing. Was waiting for her to even ask about meds. So I went on anyway. Asked if I could have a med adjustment. She’s like like what? I’m like I don’t know. (in my head LOL!)

She says right away no you’re at the maximum dose of all your medications. What you need is talk therapy. No really? I was like I know I need therapy I’m working on that. I haven’t had a med change in three years. I asked about my doses because I really couldn’t believe I was at the max dose of everything.Apparently I am for the efexor. I’m at 225, and still shocked. That was one of the first meds I was put on and I know Gil and Deson first two psych were the ones who adjusted that. Between these two med happy guys I’m not surprised I got to the max dose before starting with Fyazz.

She said my buspar was 5 mg twice a day which is fine. It’s for anxiety though which isn’t the primary symptom at the moment. She said my lamyctol is 50 mg I think once a day?I’m not sure. But she said she could double that one.

Which I said ok to. I was soo glad Anna did not come to the appointment. She would have jumped on the no meds thing and it woulda been two against one.

First time I ever had to like beg a psych for meds. Usually they’re all too eager to like drug people out. I guess she was worried about side-effects and probably careful in a good way. Just hard to get used to how different doctors do things. Having four counting her, over the past four years has been hard. I only see them once every three months too. Or did, I think it’s once a month now. And like I said she barely knows me like at all.

Then I asked about hospital units. Found out she goes to Thorack! Ahh! Well at least Gill doesn’t rule the place anymore. I was so shocked and dismayed she went there the first thing that came to mind was there was a rat there! There really was for the three weeks I was there. And staff confirmed this and were trying to like lighten the mood saying he was our friend/ pet. Someone said it was a rat or a very fat mouse.

A better story would have been how they lost my braillenote charger for a week. But I didn’t think about that at the time. I was in Thorack shock. Ugh they should totally revamp that unit. I did say how there were no groups or anything and we all sat around.

She also goes to Norwegian where I went to IOP for awhile. She said it’s a smaller unit so I’d probably do better there. And St. Mary’s has to be the other choice, likely default sadly. Hope she remembers my preference. She wrote it down but who knows.

I then explained about my braillenote that I had been writing on the whole time. Surprisingly she wasn’t all that interested. I asked her if I could have it in the hospital as an accomidation. Since everyone else can read or color. She said yes first, but then that she “had to be fair” whatever that means, and so I could only have it a half hour twice a day. I don’t get the fair thing, at all the units I’ve been at people color or look at magazenes endlessly. It was so funny she couldn’t say the word blind. She’s like,”Since you’re visually… legally..”

I’m like “blind?” LOL!

So yeah.Raised my lamyctol, hospital units sorted out, braillenote okish. Got everything doneI needed to. Just wish she cared a bit more.

This worries me for Jess as well. She needs med changes more frequently, actually knock on wood she hasn’t needed one, or been hospitalized in almost a year! But when she does she does need the adjustment. Dr. Fyazz was always so good with her. If this one is so quick to say no then I don’t know what will happen. She is in therapy now which is good. Just soo weird like I said have never had to argue with a psychiatrist who is against giving you meds especially wwhen you’re clearly depressed.

Am curious people’s thoughts on what happens when you’re at the max dose of a med, but it’s still working? When you want a med adjustment would you just add another med? Or completely go off the one that’s still working?

Did some research and 225 is the max dose for efexor, except in Canada. Figures!

Jess did say and I’ve read that under some circumstances to do with an individuals ability to process the med, they can have it be over the max dose. I doubt Patel would do that though.

Huh just interesting.

Well maybe the next time I need a med adjustment it’ll be three years later and we’ll have moved or something. But just yeah took forever to even admit to myself I might need it, then tell Anna who basically said I didn’t, then question it again, then decide to go for it, and tell the doctor and I almost didn’t get it!


Night before mty psych appointment anxious

So finally tomorrow is Monday! Can’t wait to get tomorrow morning over with and know if I’ll have a med adjustment and how she’ll react to what I have to say.

I haven’t needed a med adjustment or had any kind of issues at all since starting with her a year or so ago. So it’s hard to talk about depression and stuff with someone you barely know. Like have two minute conversations once every few months.

Sometimes believe it or not doctors can be really insensitive around here. I think it was even Dr. Fyazz, who normally was like awesome on everything and is, who said I should talk to the nurse’s and CNAS if I’m having a hard time. Which would be good advice if these people had any mental health training at all! They don’t believe it or not. Plus I open up to very very few people.

My medical doctor, who is pretty stupid anyway, just told me not to be stressed out when I cut! I was just like LOL! And so was everyone.

So just hoping she doesn’t in any way, including unintentionally, minimize what I’m going through.

I’ll be most interested in her reaction to the part of the story about Jonathan being a completely absent therapist for months. He and doctors communicate very regularly, (he calls them all doc LOL) so I wonder if she’ll give him a call with her concerns or what.

The other stuff, showing her my braillenote and her hopefully putting something down about me needing that in the hospital, and asking a bit about the two hospital units (I doubt St. Mary’s has changed that much in three years but ya know) should be straightforward enough. That and getting the info on insurances that I don’t know why other staff don’t have it.

I’m sure it won’t be as bad as I think now.

Got meds early because nurse had to leave early. Don’t know if this will make me tired quicker or wake up too early. What really threw off my night routine was when I got meds at like after nine because of agency nurse. We probably won’t have a regular floor evening nurse for a long time.