anxious and agitated

Hi everyone,

Still am posting videos rather than actually writing much.

But will try to keep up with posting the videos in these posts so people can see them.

Very agitated at the moment. Well all week. I think the zyprexa is helping with the external beings/ voices. But a lot of emotions are stirred up and I’m very intensely focused on what I’m doing and needing. The therapy stuff and planning resource building around moving though the move in reality won’t be for a year or so. I have trouble sleeping or just relaxing even.

Have not had any luck with even getting a prospective therapist to engage with me beyond a little paragraph I can say on my experience which they jump to conclusions that it’s a dissociative disorder or complex trauma they can’t treat. Chris director of nursing agrees with this somewhat. People here rightly don’t want to make a diagnosis of complex stuff because they don’t have the resources to support someone through it. Again honesty at the outset would have been preferred.

I have been changing what I initially write to potential people from talking about my symptoms to saying that I’m currently getting no support from any other professionals in my life and please see me as a person not symptoms. This is said to therapists who seem to get that though who knows I don’t know anymore.

I don’t know what’s real whether I do have an experience of actual people in my head and outside me that I should be engaging with, or not. Or if it’s all spiritual. I don’t know.

I wish someone could help me address all this or give some kinda direction.

The one authority Cleary has not been supportive of anything really. I hesitate to tell Cleary about the potential side effects of zyprexa and hope my mood settles down because it is helping with focus and energy just wonder if it’s too much energy? I question myself and everything so much. Cleary with his authority b makes what he says really count in my head.

Anyway below is a video on how I’m feeling.


please share concise description of my struggle

Hi everyone,

It is always nice when I find a way to describe what I’m going through that’s clear and to the point.

I’ve been looking back at e-mails and writing and my own memories of the time when all this started a year ago.

Through doing this I’ve come to the best way to describe what I’m going through.

After a severe panic attack that felt like someone was killing me, I’ve been experiencing the following.

Hearing/feeling/ internally seeing beings that are not of the physical reality. This has been a daily struggle for a year.

Having the sense in both small and very obvious ways, that I am not alone in my mind/ body. That beings are physically controlling me (putting their hands over my hands when writing/ doing other physical things) taking over my sense of awareness so I have no memory of their actions. Or hearing them speak internally in my head. When I’ve been in these states I’ve had relationships with others where I speak as if I am a completely different person with different ages, ways of talking, likes and dislikes ETC. Daily for about six months. After some spiritual intervention, less apparent but still a part of things.

For the first four months after the panic attack:

My hearing, sense of touch, sense of myself in physical space, and speech were all extremely disturbed. I had trouble physically speaking, or speaking in a way that made sense. I also had trouble listening, making sense of what others said and then coming up with a response. It often felt like there were a bunch of thoughts or ways to say something in my head and I couldn’t pick through them all, also thoughts coming from the beings and interfering with my own thoughts.

Senses were either too extreme or too absent. Stopped the day I moved facilities.

To outline my video:

Talk about this description.

Content warning: talk about graphic things the voices/ beings have been telling me today.

Talk about looking at my issues from both a spiritual and psychological sense, and how I’m having trouble accepting fully the spiritual, and why. And how I’m having trouble connecting both ways of seeing things.

Hoping to get others thoughts and feelings, either in general by anyone in the field that has seen this, and especially other peers.


vlog bad psychiatrist apt and good talk with director of nursing

Hi everyone,

Below is my video regarding my apt with Dr. Cleary It’s long so thought I’d give the main points.

today. Without telling me so he changed me from seroquel to zyprexa

He in the course of the meeting accused me of “ having a fascination with collecting diagnosis”!

After my rage about that was told to talk to someone. I only trust Chris so we talked.

Very eye opening. Basically I know they can’t meet my needs based on what they can offer and what I need.

He totally empathized with me and I trust him.

Anyway that’s the run down.

If anyone else has been told this extremely insensitive comment about wanting to be diagnosed, it’s terrible. Please know that this isn’t the case!

Any thoughts on zyprexa as opposed to seroquel are good.


Vlogs on psychiatric residential facility

Hi everyone,

Below are links to two videos I did regarding my experience in adult psychiatric residential facilitys in IL. Hoping to get others experiences about other facilities in other states as well as give an in depth explanation of how things work here and reassurance that if needed these types of places provide some standard of care amd are not locked institutions.

Part one

Part two

Includes links.


will be vlogging from no on

Hi readers,

Sorry I haven’t checked in in awhile. Last I wrote I was still in the midst of trying to figure everything out with my mental illness.

Things seem to have settled down on that front. I’m in a mood where I’m just not into writing as I used to be. So have decided to do videos for now.

Would love followers of this blog to watch them and comment! Looking forward to being a part of the youtube community.

Below is my channel

I will likely continue writing here at some point. I can make posts here with my vlog links if people want or not.

Again thanks for reading.


Book Review: Where has Mummy Gone? by Cathy Glass

Hi everyone,

I just finished Cathy Glass’s latest fostering memoir about a little girl slowly watching her mom slip away and Cathy’s efforts to support them both.

When eight year old Melody is refered to Cathy she is described as “feral” and that her mom is drink and drug dependent. Cathy is not surprised when Melody comes to her angry with a head full of lice and no concept of eating at a kitchen table or that you can have a warm bath.

With Cathy’s brand of unconditional love and firm boundaries Melody quickly settles into a girl who wants to do well in school and be liked by others.

At contact her mom, Amanda is hostile and also verey spacey and scattered. Confused most of the time. Cathy and social services put it down to currently using/ drinking or past effects of it.

In the meantime Cathy is becoming surprised about the degree to which Melody worries about her mom even to the point that she asks to have them bring food for her to contact. Which I wasn’t even sure was allowed.

In spite of Cathy reassuring Melody over and over again that Amanda’s social worker would help with even basic tasks Melody is still not convinced.

When Amanda’s trueproblems come to light it’s a shock to everyone and shows just how isolated the two were and how much Melody had to cope with.

The amazing thing about this book to me is Cathy’s relationship with Amanda and how she goes out of her way to support her as an individual. The relationship or loss of one, between Amanda and her mom is heartbreaking. But the book has a positive ending as Melody is ableto have a new family that incredibly blends her own siblings with an adoptive home.

Like all Cathy’s books I highly recommend it.


art therapy friday blog and vlog

So Friday was art therapy. It is an unstructured group so a drop in group basically. I so wish it and music therapy were much more combined with the rest of the clinical approaches and therefore making it clear that these types of therapy are as valuable as verbal therapy.

Putting them under activities makes it sound like these are just nice activities and minimizes the therapeutic value I feel.

At all other facilitys Angela has worked at she’s been very much a part of the clinical team and therefore able to do things like bring in interns and supervise them and communicate directly around treatment plans and progress.

I especially feel this way as Angela is very gifted as a clinician.

She was extremely interested in my progress since I was last there. The first point being that I Sam was actually present! For all art therapy groups in the past it was Honey who went. I have almost no memories of working with her or the art pieces I made.

We bounced around the ideas that have recently been put forth finally by various professionals and Bety and mine around a spiritual experience.

She seemed curious and open to all possibilities. And very on board with the new only addressing me rule.

I decided to make a collage see video.

It is a picture of me and all around me are boundaries to keep me secure and untouched by whatever takes over and causes me to not be present.

I think it’s pretty cool.

There were a few mishaps. I’ve discovered even before the ghost realization that any objects “they” have touched trigger their appearance. We foundout that this includes any materials they used. Honey touched cloth she used for her “birthday cake” art piece and came out right away demanding to talk to Angela. Both Jess and Angela worked to get her away and me back.

I felt very embarrassed but expected this.

She had more up her sleve.

After I finished my piece and we were ready to go she came out again I guess to try and talk to Angela. Well Angela wasn’t talking or listening but telling her the standard will only talk to Sam. Well I with Honey talking through me called Angela a “stupid idiot.”

I guess it was said with a five year olds persistent frustration but still an insult is an insult.

Jess corrected her for name calling and got me back. I said I was sorry again! For this happening, me being pulled away from the present. Didn’t know about the insult til later and was more embarrassed.

Lakeshia said today that Angela probably will have forgotten about it. Still.

I know things coulda been a whole lot worse. And I am very happy to have the outlet of art therapy every week.

Below is my video of the art piece and another on art therapy.

Earlier vlog

So let me know which you like better?


Important would love oppinions from followers blog or vlog

Hey everyone,

So I’m really enjoying vlogging again. It’s cool to really put myself out there in whatever moment around what I’m going through and know others can relate. I haven’t really explored others mental health vlogs but know there are a lot.

But I’m finding it’s getting hard to both vlog and blog post every day especially about the same stuff.

So am wondering for those that know my written content and have seen or will now see, my videos which would you like to most experience?

For example would you like my book reviews in video instead of written format?

I will do a few posts now hopefully keep the writing short where I write about a subject and have a matching video so you can compare.

My videos get a lot of views which feel to me the same as likes on here.

I could also post the vlogs as posts here with a shorter commentary on things or could answer questions about the video people might have on other posts. So there could be a middle ground but it just depends how people feel about vlogs versus blogs.


a bunch of different things

Hi everyone,

Not quite sure what I’m writing about today just stuff on my mind in no order.

Today was just chillaxing. I did see Lakeshia and she seems really happy with Megan. She said it sounds like she’s really optimistic about my therapy and really on top of things. Like she sent my release forms to her right away for my chart. And just in general.

Just was on youtube a lot. Somehow in my recommended videos there was a vlog of a mom giving birth! Then found many many people do this! Guess people will post anything on youtube just like FB twitter and everything.

She got a ton of support from other parents. Saw other videos about people going through cancer, homeschooling kids, just so much.

It was so cool to see the community around those vulnerable enough to post such things.

It gives me more incentive to vlog myself. If anyone can see my videos and know they’re not alone with complex struggles I will be very happy. Plus I just love hearing myself talk LOL!

Talked a lot to my friend Bety. She’s a shaman I met years ago. The organization she worked with came to my college. I got a tarot card reading. Wanted to find out more about the place and for my birthday got a reading from her.

She’s extremely extremely loving. Wants the absolute best for people. I believe she’s spot on with her intuitive messages to people whether or not they want to hear it is another question!

She had a lot of amazing guidance about my family issues at the time and her support was huge. I do believe too her ability to sense future events is accurate. In respect of my pets, and animals have always been close to her heart, she’s said things about them that ended up being very true. Not just about their personalities and things that happened with them but like about how I likely wouldn’t see them again and how they’d die and stuff. It was sad but so amazing she could sense that.

Even if she didn’t have a drop of psychic ability she’d still be an amazing person to know. I think the fact that she does work with undefineable energy all around us makes her a very peaceful grounded person. People think those who work with spirets or on any kinda psychic level are new age and not down to earth at all. Or out for the money. She’s the most down to earth person I know and she pases that on t to those around her.

With my issues, she has never wavered in her conviction that these are ghosts who have entered my energy field. Due to my high s sensitivity in all ways around that I can not see. She also says a huge trauma on a celluar level (so I wouldn’t be conscious of it at all) was triggered and I might be reliving things from past lives or things that happened to the spirets of those who haven’t past on but are hanging around me. They’re hanging around me because something about me resonates with them and they believe that by sticking to a living person that is like them they will continue to live through that person.

The continuing to “live through that person” wasn’t something she e ever said to me. That’s been my feeling ever since day one. That whatever this is is using my body and mind as a way to simply live their lives. Like. Oh no I don’t have a physical body! Oh look here’s one. If we get this person’s mind focused on us enough we can totally just do our thing and be happy and she’ll be totally zoned!

They don’t talk like that but that’s the idea. ‘ Bety did explain about the trauma thing and the empathic sensitivity thing. This all makes so so much more sense than any psychiatric explanation for this, or them having absolutely no explanation or ability to help me.

She has incouraged me to keep affirming myself as a person and strengthening my personal boundaries. She said it’s about taking control of myself and life and not letting people push me around. I just wish the people I’m now trying to work with were not nonliving beings who have the power to totally overtake me.

Honey (who she like I believe is the dominant one) took me over tonight and told Jess that she knows I believe she’s a ghost. Apparently she doesn’t. But it happened in a second. I had no idea.

This is why people can not! Talk to me when I’m being taken over! Because it gives the being more places to connect and get stronger and it stops me from being able to hold on to my sense of Sam if people are engaging with this other stuff that is not me.

I just realized. Maybe the boundary thing isn’t just about fighting these things off like my relationship between me and them. Maybe it’s about continuing to stand up for myself in relationships with other people and to tell them that this is what I need I won’t submit to what they think or feel is right!

Wow that’s cool LOL!

Like Sam having an actual insight live in writing! Wish it happened on video I can stage it I suppose.

But yeah not much else to say. Tomorrow will have art therapy for the first time. Little ghostie will not be attending as she has been!

Not sure what I want to make but hopefully we can experiment with some different tactile materials and it can be an outlet for me.

Hmmm let’s see.

Well Robbie still! Hasn’t gotten these books in whole files like he keeps forgetting! But he says that it does take awhile when they’re separate chapters. So yeah.

Oh and did I mention Bety’s awesome?

Talk more tomorrow.


my perspective on the problem: ghost attachments and having a very supportive friend Bety

Hi everyone,

Today has been an ok day.

They finally cleaned my bathroom it was so gross and we bugged them for like a week. They have such a terrible housekeeping system here claiming to do the rooms once a week but they don’t. I don’t understand why at least the seven bathrooms in the rooms with them can’t be done daily when it was with more bathrooms at the other place I lived in.

Also heard mom exchanged e-mail with Megan and says her price is “reasonable” I hope this means I can go once a week.

The big thing today was my conversation. For people who don’t know Bety is a shaman.

Here is her information.

She’s written several books one on being an empathy another one on she and her team who work with spirets attached to people or things what one calls haunting.

I have known and trust Bety since I was 18. Because of her psychic abilities she can accurately read people and animals as well! And get to the heart of what’s going on with them. Whether the person is ready to hear that information and put it in their lives is another question!

But she is extremely compassionate loving and committed to helping as many people for as long as she can.

She’s not at all about money. She’s helped me so much over the years I so wish I could pay her but I can’t.

She’s also become a supportive friend. She’s very wise. She loves animals and nature and seems to draw good positive people and experiences to her. She’s one of the most down to earth peaceful people I’ve met. So whether or not I believe in everything she works with, it is something amazing to keep a person that calm and centered and to be able to teach that to others.

She’s known right from the beginning that “the others” are in fact ghosts that have been attracted to my energy. Because of some unfinished business in the earth world and needing a living person to process what’s going on for them. Or just as a way to live their lives through.

Which has totally beenmy experience everyminute of all this. The panic attack itself did not feel like an internal build up of my own anxiety or stress. It felt like I was being attacked physically, meant to be killed. So was the experience of something not seen attacking me from the outside in.

Bety believes this triggered some kind of celuar trauma, that I may not even have had in this life. This also makes sense to me as if you were to put the trama response symptoms I have had into the lense of trauma, I consciously have no idea what could be that severe. If it is something stored in my energy from another life it makes sense I wouldn’t know what it is.

Although when people do speak to “the ghosties”(my new name for them) they say they have no trauma memories either.

Bety really listened to how I’m struggling. I feel so safe talking about everything with her. Like honesty around being afraid I’ll have another attack. She said to not dwell on fear as it will drain my energy more but to tell myself it will not happen. As I have been doing.

It was amazing to be vulnerable in a moment of fear and be able to feel truly heard and understood and to then get a really good response back.

She says that some people are haunted for years b because the ghosties will tell the person things in order for them to stick around and will do anything to keep a connection with this world. Which is why it’s dangerous to engage them in conversation or even acknowledge them beyond sending clear empowered messages that they are not welcome I will protect myself and fight for my sense of who I am which is strong as it ever was.

I really felt empowered afterour conversation. She’s totally in my corner and literally the oneperson I trust who really gets it.

She recommended doing a process called “journey work” with her friend Lisa. At first we weren’t sure because it was not clear whether or not I had a dissociative disorder. She was worried about not having her license for that. But now we know that that is not the case she can work with me as she would anyone else experiencing trauma.

I am optimistic about reconnecting with her.

Bety has a sense Megan might just understand or put her beliefs aside to see my reality which is very comforting.

I will keep fighting back and do know I am in control here. It feels so good to know that and have support and reminders along the way.

I feel lonely, frustrated, a lot of things that I have lost my friends in this process. It’s what the ghosts wanted to take as much control overme andmy life as possible and pull as many people as possible into their web so to speak. Well sadly it worked. I had been alternating between fighting them with all I had and being so drained I didn’t care and they took full advantage of that.

Now I know how to demand they stop what they’re doing and they seem to be listening at least feeling like I’m the authority. Bety could sense I’m getting stronger.

This makes me feelreally empowered and hopeful. Something I’venever gotten all this time from any professionals except Megan yesterday. I’mcomited to working with Megan I think she’ll get a lot out of learning about all this if she’s open to it. Plus I know I have other resources for this problem.

So shout out to Bety and Lisa! You’re saving my life and sanity.