Probably left people in suspense Wednesday as I was really down about care plan and looking at rooms and then didn’t write for awhile.
So looking at rooms was good. The rooms we’ll have are really on the same exact side of the floor that ours are now. Mine will have a bathroom. Jess’s won’t but she’s ok with that. I’m the one more freaked out about not having one or trying to find one in the night or something.
Jess says she can recreate my room pretty much like up here which is good. We will have a good resident assistant Jo, and a good housekeeper.
We will also of course be changing social workers. Not such a issue for me anymore. I only wanted that when I thought each caseworker was different and another would be more approachable than Tasha. After that meeting and seeing Jeny’s transformation and just how different people react with similar detachment in a variety of situations and people, I know one is pretty much just like another.
Tasha said that Lakysha “gets things done” which is probably the best I can hope for.
The problem is just ugh guys! Like a whole floor of them. At least the ladies room is clean most of the time because there are so women. But noisy obnoxious guys who will probably smell up the floor.
I really have been getting comfortable on this floor and the different know me and Jess our routines and everything. I really don’t want a new bunch of people doing the whole OMG blind girl thing. Though they all have seen me around the building and are used to me. It seems guys are also known for doing bold things like insisting on knocking on people’s doors getting in your personal space and other things that get on my last nerve.
I’m not at all comfortable with the guys. I’m glad Jess will be around but still.
Plus the crisis unit is here not sure how much action there will be on our side of the floor but there’s a stairway close to our rooms and when the elevator does go out for the time period of repair all stairways will be used for codes and stuff.
My room was totally ready. I think David kind of wanted to move me Friday! Jess’s room has someone in it at the moment. And they need to clean and repaint.
David at the time seemed anxious to move us before the fourth which will be tomorrow or Tuesday. But things change around here very fast.
So care plan. Ran late as Tasha was out with a resident and her cell died. Was just the two of us Jess me and her. Rob her supervisor was doing paperwork somewhere.
It went fine up to a point. I was as neutral and unemotional as she is around symptoms improving, saying I know how to most of the time see when I’m starting to dissociate and somehow block it out as well as blocking out anything internal that isn’t my own thoughts or emotions. She was impressed as I had said the first care plan that I couldn’t do this.
Goals: get used to new floor. Go to groups particularly women’s group. Continue looking for a therapist, and help Jess with fostering cats.
The therapist thing she really has no advice on. She was shocked that Masonic outpatient is not accepting anyone. As well as northwestern. It’s like honestly, you guys should be the ones calling and knowing all this info. If they’re gonna require residents to make their own phone calls they should at least have an idea if they can actually access the services. Otherwise what are they there for?
That question did actually come up as did a wave of emotion. I don’t know how I got on the subject but I ended up saying something about the famous “meeting” in which Jessica and Sarah explained the whole “blank slate” thing. I said how much that effected me and how I had to be in a place of keeping my emotions in because I couldn’t connect with anyone in social services.
She did seem, and look according to Jess genuinely shocked. And was to be fair actually more emotionally responsive than I’ve ever seen her. Maybe no one ever came right out and said how much it hurts to be trying to talk to a blank wall. Jonathan said once that I shock people because my emotions are so raw and intense they don’t quite know how to respond. And I point out things in a way that they maybe never have thought of. Because there’s just something about how when I do open up it’s without any pretense, in spite of me trying to hide things for so long.
Anyway we went around in circles really. She couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that if their whole protocol or whatever took the whole attachment part of the relationship off the table, or as much as possible, that would stop me automatically from feeling like I could go to them and express anything. Because I’d know because it was spelled out to me, and I’m intuitive anyway, that I couldn’t get any kind of emotional support. I described now in tears what emotional support looks like and how their so feared possibility of caseworkers “practically tucking residents into bed at night” is just as unhealthy as this “emotional independence meaning that the staff operate from a million miles away throwing out coping skills” thing.
I said that too. I’m like when I’m upset I don’t need a list of coping skills. She’s like oh no we wouldn’t do that we’d actually help you “work through” your feelings.
I’m like again no you couldn’t. Because the basic trust and feeling that at least on some level you’re there no matter what and will put your absolute best into the relationship as will I just isn’t there and won’t be if you’re coming from an inauthentic detached place.
I then used Jenny as an example, heading into territory that’s likely none of my business. And she’s like well Jenny is like that because she’s in a different role. I’m like yes exactly. She goes from therapy intern to caseworker and all of a sudden she can’t be herself really at any level anymore?
So it was just pointless. She remained shocked though it kind of wore off by the end and it was more neutral, but still saying me keeping my feelings in isn’t healthy. No kidding! She said I should talk to Lakysha and put my expectations on the table. Again doubtful. I never met the woman but have seen enough of these different staff that sometimes I swear you can’t tell one from another it’s like they’re little robots or something. Not that extreme but in the range of having to shut down much of their personalities and ease with people like somehow it’s against the rules to just be a person around these “ill” people. Like we couldn’t take an authentic relationship or something.
So anyway. That’s the last conversation I will have with staff here on this. I got something out of my s system. It’s so sad because if they’re coming from a shut down place I think it makes people shut down even more. It’s like I’m becoming numb to it in a way. They’re modeling very unhealthy strange behavior for relationships and it’s just crazy!
So on the therapy front. No success with anything I can come up with. Still nothing around any of the therapists I’m on waiting lists for. One said I could check in every month so I’m gonna shoot her an e-mail. Such a shame northbrook is so far away that art therapist seemed the first genuinely interested candidate. And having worked with DID and people with disabilities so not afraid of either.
She may write back with recommendations so we’ll see.
My mom is so cute as she hardly ever looks stuff up online. So when she finds stuff she’s like OMG this is soo cool! Like she’s like “there’s this website where you can put your zip code in and all these therapists come up! And you can do a little “intake” and check the boxes for anxiety or depression and you get ones just for that!”
I’m like yeah that’s probably psychology today LOL
She did find some online therapy site. It’s a shame the internet connection here, even in my sensory corner is so bad because I would use skype. I could use the phone though. And that might work better as I would save on rides.
I have a couple places I can write. Larger group practices where they match you with people. One Cathedral I don’t think I’ll be going to as there’s major construction right near the building. We get enough of that on rides places. But one place Live Oak and another Chicago counseling associates sound good. One place even cites “losing time” as a problem they can help with.
Looking up therapists makes me very anxious. They’re so totally scared off by dissociation stuff, even trauma ones that I don’t know how to present myself. Like you learn pretty quickly well I have as a blind person that when you’re introducing yourself to anyone, but especially different non blind related services you do not start with I’m blind.”
So ironically though this is a mental health issue it’s so outside the norm that it’s almost it’s own disability. So I’m not sure how to put the whole thing. Mom says just tell them I need therapy and then they’ll give me an appointment. And for her with her general stress issues it has been that simple. I said with this stuff it’s more complicated and they do a pretty thorough job of intake including asking you about every possible symptom under the sun. I explained how I never actually said to any of the therapists except the DID ones the diagnosis itself possible one. I described the symptoms. Just those descriptions ended the conversations.
So we’ll see. I know the first place to start is obviously that though I’m living in an MH residential home they do not provide therapy or help finding it. That’s a lot for them to take in to begin with. Many don’t even know about SMHRFS. Then I guess telling them about my long standing issues, depression anxierty and PTSD from long established trauma history. The huge amount of stability gained in the last five years. The severe panic attacks, how I quickly got control of those but the terrible fall out including time loss and out of character behavior along with the sensory and communication stuff.
I guess see how the conversation goes. I also learned the hard way at least with Ryan that once you put possible DID symptoms out there there’s no turning back. If the person is totally in flustered no way will I continue with this mode, there’s no getting them out of it. So it’s an intense process. For all therapists say how inviting and sensitive they try to be to welcome new clients, I’ve found quite the opposite around this issue.
But we’ll see. Mom said “until we get you home I’m not giving up on finding you therapy.”
Which was really really sweet. I do worry about her and the financial aspect. And that it won’t go anywhere. I work so hard to keep everything together I’m so afraid of anyone going in and trying to have me look at everything. I just want answers on how to not lose time and block out these states in my head I get into. I can for a solid period of time but then it’s so hard to maintain that it just takes it’s toll and I’m exhausted. Then I just kind of let stuff happen for awhile. But then my life feels like not my life anymore and that sends me into fighting mode again.
I’m hoping if I do this long enough and hard enough whatever’s in my head will click back into place and stop trying to run my life. I know it’s way better than it ever was. Jess’s theory is that a few minutes a day is better than weeks and that somehow I feel less stressed after others come out. Go figure!
Will keep you posted on everything. Will be one crazy week if we do have to pack up and move. I soo wish we could just leave it til they’re more sure about when they’ll be starting repairs. If just maintaining the elevator long term is the goal, then it could be many months out before they do extensive repairs. Meanwhile we’re sitting on a very chaotic I feel, floor. With poor Jess not even having a bathroom.
So we’ll see. They are being super accomidating for all their talk of detachment and not working with you on issues. I suppose it’s because they clearly are causing the issue here. Or did by not warning us at all this could be a problem. I guess it shows they do want us to stick around.
We’ll see about that.