update elevator project a week ahead of time and speaking to new therapist tomorrow!

Hi everyone,

Wanted to give a small update. I am having a better time taking the stairs than I thought I would. Sometimes it is crowded but people are pretty good at not knocking me over LOL and Jess is always there with me.

The good news is this project seems to be running ahead of time. There are different phases and this first one was supposed to be two weeks long but only lasted a week.

Unfortunately this next one is the most intrusive and chaotic of all. Basically due to the process of moving really heavy stuff around and whatever they have to block off the whole first floor front area. So where reception, nursing, the group room and basically all main parts of the building. Staff can be in there but very limited access. So they’re gonna put the nurse’s station in the small dining room we have two. You need both to feed 200 people and so I don’t know how they’re gonna do it with just one room. So yeah. Also getting out of the building will be interesting as you’d have to go out through a back door and there’s currently no security in that area.

For this reason as I think I said in a previous post I was thinking of putting off therapy til this project was completed. But as time is going by and they’re ahead of time I decided to just stick with getting in to see her. Rob who is now assistant to Sarah, who is now in the role of director is very genuinely caring about how this will impact our lives and wanting to be supportive. I’m actually impressed at the caring shown here. He’s a pretty authentic guy, not as much as David but yeah.

Speaking of therapy will be talking with Jeane tomorrow. We’d been e-mailing back and forth about this situation and she suggested to just talk by phone on it. I will be explaining in more detail what’s going on. The stuff I’m stressed about like getting out of the building through another door and finding the pace van or them missing us if we do that. I will also explain pace in general, how we’ll likely be on time but could be late, and could have situations like when there was a lock down code called and we were stuck in the building and could not get out the door to go to therapy. She seems incredibly understanding. I guess funny enough, trilogy is having their elevator worked on around this time too! She had thought my anxiety was due to the elevator there being broken and so offered to meet in a park or coffie shop instead! Which was interesting. Would rather meet in the office but yeah it was a nice offer.

I’m hoping if all goes well, and honestly even if not I really want to start seeing her next week. Monday being a holiday I hope we can find a time that isn’t too late in the day. If so we’d hit trific and miss dinner. So we’ll see about that when it comes up. I’m anxious to know what she’s like. But really hopeful this therapy will help me continue to feel in control around not dissociating.

Will keep you updated about the construction and other issues.

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postponing therapy til end of june due to construction

Hi everyone,

Well some disappointing newsDecided to hold off on starting therapy due to how they will be handling things with construction over the next couple months.

As I’ve written they’re finally redoing elevator. First couple weeks will be fine but then we will have a few weeks where the whole front part of the building is blocked off. They have to change around everything like moving nurse’s station to dining room.

Signing out will be tricky not sure how they’ll handle that. Just too much going on.

Part of me doesn’t even wanna do therapy literally just need dissociation to stop and then I would not need therapy. Have been feeling depressed and anxious a lot.


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general update: Elevator, braillenote, and therapy

Hi everyone,

I know when I last wrote there were some things I needed to update you all on.

Forst our elevator. Is finally going to be repaired! Shut down starting tomorrow.

So will be taking the stairs for six to eight weeks or longer! I say longer due to knowing from my dad who’s a carpenter that construction is absolutely unpredictable.

We stood a huge crowd around the elevator while Rob in social services explained how it will go. The first few weeks we won’t see so much disruption just a down elevator. But for two or three weeks after that, they will be blocking off the downstairs area in the front of the building. So nursing station, access to the front door, activity room all that. So yeah that’ll be fun! As yet don’t know if the front door which will pose problems for going out. They don’t have all the issues worked out yet. Something about the nursing station being moved to the small dining room. It’s gonna be a mad two weeks.

Then another few weeks with just a down elevator and they hope to be done!

So there’s that.

On the braillenote front. It appears my mpower is dead. On Tuesday while at CVS my dad called. Said the techs in MN, still won’t tell me the name LOL, said that they feel it’s not just the battery that’s the issue. Because it won’t turn on. He asked if it was working before I sent it out which of course no. He wrote them again explaining how I plugged into wrong charger. We haven’t heard back. I have written on a very active FB group and people agree that it’s probably shorted out.

I do not want anything new. It’s not worth spending all that money for something I use for simple reading and writing. Hoping to get a used one for $200 or under.

In the meantime using Braille sense plus which I’m glad I got in 2014.

Lastly therapy. Got an e-mail from a woman named Jenae. We will be starting on Monday at 1 pm. It can’t come soon enough. All I want is for the dissociation to end and to feel like myself. I’m hoping this will happen as soon as possible.

Hope that updates everyone.

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Agitated today elevator will be officially out for two months starting next thursday

Hi everyone,

Having a bad day. One part is due to my period arriving two weeks early ugh!

But we got some bad news today. News that has been coming for months, people saying it will happen. And it doesn’t. So I at least can relax and not worry about it. Well now it has. Our extremely! Old broken down elevator will be overhauled starting next Thursday the 9th.

Rob the one social service staff who’s kinda ok said he’d tell us right away but the signs up everywhere beat him to it. Jess and I are happy that it won’t be down on her birthday but it will be down on mine! And for the whole summer!

I also worry it could be longer. My dad in construction has shown me nothing goes to plan like ever. So it’s climbing a set of very rickety often crowded stairs at least three times per day. Yeah it could be way worse! We could be on four. That’s why we moved floors. My anxieties are.

Getting bumped and falling. Just how exhausting climbing is. One or the other of us not being able to take it and having health complications to the point of needing to live on chaos city first floor. And mostly the principle of it being that we were not told about this before moving in. We were promised rooms on the fourth floor, had we been told or even a little bit warned this would be the case chances are we would not have moved I can say that.

It makes me wanna book it outa here. Even back to Albany Care. Anywhere that doesn’t make a policy out of purposely withholding emotional support. I’m sorry but to me every issue I have here goes back to that. There are a few staff I do like here. I can tolerate talking to them and they seem as genuine as anyone does here. Well one is David in admissions. He’s totally his authentic self and could never be anyone else. Director of nursing Chris is good. Though he made me justify wanting an ativan a couple weeks back and I didn’t appreciate it. The other nurses are generally good. Tasha, who I nicknamed Tashy, ironically is the best caseworker here. Like I soo didn’t like her at first but after experiencing Keshia and how other staff are I’d say she’s the most genuine one here. But with no trusting relationships built up over the time I’ve been here I have no place within the community to go when I’m upset about stuff. Their very value system, being “blank slate” in relating to us causes me to shut down and say it isn’t worth saying anything. So I don’t because I know they make a point of purposely not showing emotional support.

So yeah. Who knows? Jess pointed out wisely that should we decide to try moving to another facility the prep to do so would take the two months the elevator will be out for. I get that. I also get we don’t want to rush things. Maybe the single room and ability to foster cats, though that likely will not be happening until after elevator coming back on, is worth all the other stress here. Still can’t help but keep thinking I’m giving them all this money for literally nothing.

I am even thinking of approaching Jonathan with the hypothetical question of if we were to look into maybe moving back what would that look like? What is the emotional atmosphere here, the new practices of caseworkers, or anything else and what would he think about us coming back? At least there if a case worker was acting in a non supportive way it was their personality not a department wide value system that discourages therapeutic relationships. Also considering the other company of facilities that’s around. We contacted them a few weeks back and the company wide admissions person had said we could give her a call whenever to talk about our needs. We saw one place I think back in 2016. It was pretty good. Very small like 99 people. Had a couple cats. Things have changed a lot including the name of the place. A couple places in that network may be options for us. We’ll see. We’ll just have to see.

But my patience with this place is running thin and a complication like no elevator and just the circumstances on which it happened really hits on my last nerve.

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vlog for today

Hi everyone,

Here’s my vlog for today.


Actually was my best day probably all week. Felt accomplished doing that art therapy piece for Jess though I don’t remember all my time there or going back to my room. But still it was good. I heard that the music therapist is still coming here weekly and I may explore that next Monday. It all can’t be banging on instruments and loud music all the time!

The package also brightened my day! And Jess’s too.

I got weighed today and I’m 145 pounds! I couldn’t believe it. Well I kinda can. Antipsychotics are known to make you gain weight and also be very hungry. So yeah Jess is actually gonna have to help me limit snacks and stuff! She was lecturing me about it this morning LOL Never thought I’d see that day.

So hoping the rest of the week will go well.

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restarting vlogging catching people up

Hey everyone,

So I’m starting blogging again. If I have the energy and focus to write I will try and do so every day. It’s hard as due to dissociation I often am unaware of what’s going on like when online apparently Honey and Amber do stuff I have no idea on til later. This includes writing their own journals. So yeah.

Anyway. Saw at last writing that I was still struggling to find therapy. You’ll be glad to know that I have completed an extensive intake at trilogy, where I got services in 2012. They even have my records from back then.

Here are some videos in which I describe this process.

Part 3 intake


part 2


OK can’t find part one of intake! See what I mean about losing stuff?

Well will summarize.

Did walk in part which was starting paperwork. But Jamie, wasn’t just someone who stuck to the paperwork. She really wanted to know what was going on for me. Jess was there so she could contribute the stuff I couldn’t and had a objective perspective on things. I did feel comfortable talking with Jamie she was genuine and caring. She said it sounded like I needed relief from everything I’m going through and said it was good I was getting help.

As I said they had my records from years ago so that made things easier. That next week we met with another person named Emma. Who does lead some groups there. Groups are on a three month cycle and since it had started just before I came to do intake, I can’t do groups until end of june. But it’s probably a good thing as there will be time for therapy to go on and see what groups would be best. None of the names of the therapists are familiar at all, so I think everyone left after I did.

Anyway so yeah. Emma was also extremely nice. We talked more about treatment goals and stuff. And did more of that this past Friday. I was very disappointed to have to wait another two weeks well one week now, to know who I will be working with. But know they need to find someone who is the best match. At a couple other places I did an intake only to be told they couldn’t find anyone. But everyone is reassuring that this time it will be better.

So hoping for the best. I will not stop therapy this time!

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anxious and agitated

Hi everyone,

Still am posting videos rather than actually writing much.

But will try to keep up with posting the videos in these posts so people can see them.

Very agitated at the moment. Well all week. I think the zyprexa is helping with the external beings/ voices. But a lot of emotions are stirred up and I’m very intensely focused on what I’m doing and needing. The therapy stuff and planning resource building around moving though the move in reality won’t be for a year or so. I have trouble sleeping or just relaxing even.

Have not had any luck with even getting a prospective therapist to engage with me beyond a little paragraph I can say on my experience which they jump to conclusions that it’s a dissociative disorder or complex trauma they can’t treat. Chris director of nursing agrees with this somewhat. People here rightly don’t want to make a diagnosis of complex stuff because they don’t have the resources to support someone through it. Again honesty at the outset would have been preferred.

I have been changing what I initially write to potential people from talking about my symptoms to saying that I’m currently getting no support from any other professionals in my life and please see me as a person not symptoms. This is said to therapists who seem to get that though who knows I don’t know anymore.

I don’t know what’s real whether I do have an experience of actual people in my head and outside me that I should be engaging with, or not. Or if it’s all spiritual. I don’t know.

I wish someone could help me address all this or give some kinda direction.

The one authority Cleary has not been supportive of anything really. I hesitate to tell Cleary about the potential side effects of zyprexa and hope my mood settles down because it is helping with focus and energy just wonder if it’s too much energy? I question myself and everything so much. Cleary with his authority b makes what he says really count in my head.

Anyway below is a video on how I’m feeling.


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please share concise description of my struggle

Hi everyone,

It is always nice when I find a way to describe what I’m going through that’s clear and to the point.

I’ve been looking back at e-mails and writing and my own memories of the time when all this started a year ago.

Through doing this I’ve come to the best way to describe what I’m going through.

After a severe panic attack that felt like someone was killing me, I’ve been experiencing the following.

Hearing/feeling/ internally seeing beings that are not of the physical reality. This has been a daily struggle for a year.

Having the sense in both small and very obvious ways, that I am not alone in my mind/ body. That beings are physically controlling me (putting their hands over my hands when writing/ doing other physical things) taking over my sense of awareness so I have no memory of their actions. Or hearing them speak internally in my head. When I’ve been in these states I’ve had relationships with others where I speak as if I am a completely different person with different ages, ways of talking, likes and dislikes ETC. Daily for about six months. After some spiritual intervention, less apparent but still a part of things.

For the first four months after the panic attack:

My hearing, sense of touch, sense of myself in physical space, and speech were all extremely disturbed. I had trouble physically speaking, or speaking in a way that made sense. I also had trouble listening, making sense of what others said and then coming up with a response. It often felt like there were a bunch of thoughts or ways to say something in my head and I couldn’t pick through them all, also thoughts coming from the beings and interfering with my own thoughts.

Senses were either too extreme or too absent. Stopped the day I moved facilities.

To outline my video:

Talk about this description.

Content warning: talk about graphic things the voices/ beings have been telling me today.

Talk about looking at my issues from both a spiritual and psychological sense, and how I’m having trouble accepting fully the spiritual, and why. And how I’m having trouble connecting both ways of seeing things.

Hoping to get others thoughts and feelings, either in general by anyone in the field that has seen this, and especially other peers.


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vlog bad psychiatrist apt and good talk with director of nursing

Hi everyone,

Below is my video regarding my apt with Dr. Cleary It’s long so thought I’d give the main points.

today. Without telling me so he changed me from seroquel to zyprexa

He in the course of the meeting accused me of “ having a fascination with collecting diagnosis”!

After my rage about that was told to talk to someone. I only trust Chris so we talked.

Very eye opening. Basically I know they can’t meet my needs based on what they can offer and what I need.

He totally empathized with me and I trust him.

Anyway that’s the run down.

If anyone else has been told this extremely insensitive comment about wanting to be diagnosed, it’s terrible. Please know that this isn’t the case!

Any thoughts on zyprexa as opposed to seroquel are good.


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