So am feeling so much better. Finally got to see Jonathan this afternoon at around three. Talked for a good hour. Really needed it.
First we called the hospital Kat my deaf friend is at. She’s been in the psych unit since last week and I’m extremely worried about her. People reassure me that they have interpreters but I don’t trust how regular it is. On paper there seem to be deaf services in places at least much more than anything for the blind is mentioned, but then I’ve heard that it’s not as good as it sounds often.
Especially when I found out it’s one of the units I hated I was and am still suspicious. But Jonathan is quite the authority as the clinical director of this place and after a couple transfers he found her unit. Unfortunately no relay phone so we couldn’t talk to her but left a message. (wish they could draw a picture of a hand making the I.L.Y sign) LOL!
But anyway that was nice.
Then I went on to talk about how upset I was that he never responded to the message I left him last week around having cutting thoughts. Turns out he never got the message! And edith never could catch him to tell him about that I was so upset. He was very concerned and asked why I was having cutting thoughts.
I launched into everything wanting so much to not live here and why. And then about meeting others with disabilities online who are in a supportive mutual relationship where they seem to be doing well living together. And how much I want that for Jess and I. About how I doubted very much she and I could live alone together. We’d need a stabilizing force, whether that person had psych disabilities or other disabilities or no disability. So yeah I went on and on about that.
He was extremely impressed and said a huge positive is that I’m thinking about a life outside Albany. We talked again about what a problem solver I am and how even being able to tackle the problem, whether I solve it or not is calming. When I can’t things really build up.
So since we can’t like do anything about us moving next week nor would we want to and I don’t yet have developed friendships with cool disabled people in other states ready to embark on this journey, we played a little imaginary game. What if Jess and I did want to live by ourselves in Chicago? (which believe me I soo want to get out of IL) And he made it clear this was just a what if.
So we talked about the moving on program which is what they use for residents that want to move out. And I objected saying all the horror stories I’ve heard about them. And he said yeah that’s true but so many had no idea what their needs are and one good thing about me is I know exactly what my needs are and insist on them ahead of time. So we were talking stuff through.
One interesting thing is when they started they didn’t allow you to move out with a roommate. Because someone had the thought that it’s better for you to live totally by yourself for umm your mental health or something LOL! At least it’s not just the blind community that has that judgment.
But they’ve changed on that and they allow roommates now. And we talked about the apartments they have. And I’m like well half those places are in the ghetto and he’s like well not everywhere. We talked about all the support services we’d both need. And I was like is this even realistic and he’s like I don’t know but we’re just tossing ideas around.
One thing about Jonathan is he’s extremely creative. Extremely wanting to go outside the box to make things work for people. So instead of ruling something out he tries his very best to get people to think about solutions that they never considered. He even said that we could work with these people and just get them to think about this with no intention of moving out yet. Just get them to look at different needs and how to work with people with multiple disabilities which could be worth it. He said how much he’d love to have the director of the program in the room and present all this to him. He may one day because they have talks about the program all the time.
So yeah it was basically an intellectual exercise but it’s one I needed I needed to channel all my emotions somewhere and not be drowning in them. And I explained to him about shared living/ adult foster care which he’s never heard of. Not a big surprise since they don’t work with psych issues here in IL.
Then we talked about the not meeting stuff and the inconsistency. He genuinely said how much he enjoys working with me. How it reminds him of why he does this work which I’m sure in all the hasles and paperwork and everything is sometimes hard to remember! He said he wishes he could work with more residents individually. So yeah I cried and he just said how much he wanted to keep meeting. And that everytime we’ve had inconsistencies it’s because he’s been truly swamped with stuff. I mean in the past month we’ve had the elevator stuff, he’s had to go to court several times with residents, Friday the garage door broke just everything. Plus training his new assistant which always means he has to handle more while they get used to it. But he says it’s calming down and other times he’s said that it has. Until things pick up again.
So yeah. We’re shooting for this coming Wednesday though in thepast Wednesdays have been rough. And now I’ll call and e-mail something when I want to get ahold of him because he said today he sees his e-mails anywhere he is even if he can’t reply. Not sure I believe he reads them LOL!
So yeah I just feel like a million pounds lighter. I didn’t know what to do honestly if I couldn’t connect with him or keep meeting. I was thinking the next thing would be to have Dr. Fyazz just up my meds. Who knows which ones since I’m on like four plus my PRN but yeah.
So yeah it was a very long but needed talk. Some people might think this guy is crazy with some of the stuff he says and just like yeah. If you saw a guy balanced on a therapy ball just chilling you might be like huh? But he literally saved my life.