a bunch of different things

Hi everyone,

Not quite sure what I’m writing about today just stuff on my mind in no order.

Today was just chillaxing. I did see Lakeshia and she seems really happy with Megan. She said it sounds like she’s really optimistic about my therapy and really on top of things. Like she sent my release forms to her right away for my chart. And just in general.

Just was on youtube a lot. Somehow in my recommended videos there was a vlog of a mom giving birth! Then found many many people do this! Guess people will post anything on youtube just like FB twitter and everything.

She got a ton of support from other parents. Saw other videos about people going through cancer, homeschooling kids, just so much.

It was so cool to see the community around those vulnerable enough to post such things.

It gives me more incentive to vlog myself. If anyone can see my videos and know they’re not alone with complex struggles I will be very happy. Plus I just love hearing myself talk LOL!

Talked a lot to my friend Bety. She’s a shaman I met years ago. The organization she worked with came to my college. I got a tarot card reading. Wanted to find out more about the place and for my birthday got a reading from her.

She’s extremely extremely loving. Wants the absolute best for people. I believe she’s spot on with her intuitive messages to people whether or not they want to hear it is another question!

She had a lot of amazing guidance about my family issues at the time and her support was huge. I do believe too her ability to sense future events is accurate. In respect of my pets, and animals have always been close to her heart, she’s said things about them that ended up being very true. Not just about their personalities and things that happened with them but like about how I likely wouldn’t see them again and how they’d die and stuff. It was sad but so amazing she could sense that.

Even if she didn’t have a drop of psychic ability she’d still be an amazing person to know. I think the fact that she does work with undefineable energy all around us makes her a very peaceful grounded person. People think those who work with spirets or on any kinda psychic level are new age and not down to earth at all. Or out for the money. She’s the most down to earth person I know and she pases that on t to those around her.

With my issues, she has never wavered in her conviction that these are ghosts who have entered my energy field. Due to my high s sensitivity in all ways around that I can not see. She also says a huge trauma on a celluar level (so I wouldn’t be conscious of it at all) was triggered and I might be reliving things from past lives or things that happened to the spirets of those who haven’t past on but are hanging around me. They’re hanging around me because something about me resonates with them and they believe that by sticking to a living person that is like them they will continue to live through that person.

The continuing to “live through that person” wasn’t something she e ever said to me. That’s been my feeling ever since day one. That whatever this is is using my body and mind as a way to simply live their lives. Like. Oh no I don’t have a physical body! Oh look here’s one. If we get this person’s mind focused on us enough we can totally just do our thing and be happy and she’ll be totally zoned!

They don’t talk like that but that’s the idea. ‘ Bety did explain about the trauma thing and the empathic sensitivity thing. This all makes so so much more sense than any psychiatric explanation for this, or them having absolutely no explanation or ability to help me.

She has incouraged me to keep affirming myself as a person and strengthening my personal boundaries. She said it’s about taking control of myself and life and not letting people push me around. I just wish the people I’m now trying to work with were not nonliving beings who have the power to totally overtake me.

Honey (who she like I believe is the dominant one) took me over tonight and told Jess that she knows I believe she’s a ghost. Apparently she doesn’t. But it happened in a second. I had no idea.

This is why people can not! Talk to me when I’m being taken over! Because it gives the being more places to connect and get stronger and it stops me from being able to hold on to my sense of Sam if people are engaging with this other stuff that is not me.

I just realized. Maybe the boundary thing isn’t just about fighting these things off like my relationship between me and them. Maybe it’s about continuing to stand up for myself in relationships with other people and to tell them that this is what I need I won’t submit to what they think or feel is right!

Wow that’s cool LOL!

Like Sam having an actual insight live in writing! Wish it happened on video I can stage it I suppose.

But yeah not much else to say. Tomorrow will have art therapy for the first time. Little ghostie will not be attending as she has been!

Not sure what I want to make but hopefully we can experiment with some different tactile materials and it can be an outlet for me.

Hmmm let’s see.

Well Robbie still! Hasn’t gotten these books in whole files like he keeps forgetting! But he says that it does take awhile when they’re separate chapters. So yeah.

Oh and did I mention Bety’s awesome?

Talk more tomorrow.

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my perspective on the problem: ghost attachments and having a very supportive friend Bety

Hi everyone,

Today has been an ok day.

They finally cleaned my bathroom it was so gross and we bugged them for like a week. They have such a terrible housekeeping system here claiming to do the rooms once a week but they don’t. I don’t understand why at least the seven bathrooms in the rooms with them can’t be done daily when it was with more bathrooms at the other place I lived in.

Also heard mom exchanged e-mail with Megan and says her price is “reasonable” I hope this means I can go once a week.

The big thing today was my conversation. For people who don’t know Bety is a shaman.

Here is her information.

http://www.comerfordwilson.com/Ghosts.html

She’s written several books one on being an empathy another one on she and her team who work with spirets attached to people or things what one calls haunting.

I have known and trust Bety since I was 18. Because of her psychic abilities she can accurately read people and animals as well! And get to the heart of what’s going on with them. Whether the person is ready to hear that information and put it in their lives is another question!

But she is extremely compassionate loving and committed to helping as many people for as long as she can.

She’s not at all about money. She’s helped me so much over the years I so wish I could pay her but I can’t.

She’s also become a supportive friend. She’s very wise. She loves animals and nature and seems to draw good positive people and experiences to her. She’s one of the most down to earth peaceful people I’ve met. So whether or not I believe in everything she works with, it is something amazing to keep a person that calm and centered and to be able to teach that to others.

She’s known right from the beginning that “the others” are in fact ghosts that have been attracted to my energy. Because of some unfinished business in the earth world and needing a living person to process what’s going on for them. Or just as a way to live their lives through.

Which has totally beenmy experience everyminute of all this. The panic attack itself did not feel like an internal build up of my own anxiety or stress. It felt like I was being attacked physically, meant to be killed. So was the experience of something not seen attacking me from the outside in.

Bety believes this triggered some kind of celuar trauma, that I may not even have had in this life. This also makes sense to me as if you were to put the trama response symptoms I have had into the lense of trauma, I consciously have no idea what could be that severe. If it is something stored in my energy from another life it makes sense I wouldn’t know what it is.

Although when people do speak to “the ghosties”(my new name for them) they say they have no trauma memories either.

Bety really listened to how I’m struggling. I feel so safe talking about everything with her. Like honesty around being afraid I’ll have another attack. She said to not dwell on fear as it will drain my energy more but to tell myself it will not happen. As I have been doing.

It was amazing to be vulnerable in a moment of fear and be able to feel truly heard and understood and to then get a really good response back.

She says that some people are haunted for years b because the ghosties will tell the person things in order for them to stick around and will do anything to keep a connection with this world. Which is why it’s dangerous to engage them in conversation or even acknowledge them beyond sending clear empowered messages that they are not welcome I will protect myself and fight for my sense of who I am which is strong as it ever was.

I really felt empowered afterour conversation. She’s totally in my corner and literally the oneperson I trust who really gets it.

She recommended doing a process called “journey work” with her friend Lisa. At first we weren’t sure because it was not clear whether or not I had a dissociative disorder. She was worried about not having her license for that. But now we know that that is not the case she can work with me as she would anyone else experiencing trauma.

I am optimistic about reconnecting with her.

Bety has a sense Megan might just understand or put her beliefs aside to see my reality which is very comforting.

I will keep fighting back and do know I am in control here. It feels so good to know that and have support and reminders along the way.

I feel lonely, frustrated, a lot of things that I have lost my friends in this process. It’s what the ghosts wanted to take as much control overme andmy life as possible and pull as many people as possible into their web so to speak. Well sadly it worked. I had been alternating between fighting them with all I had and being so drained I didn’t care and they took full advantage of that.

Now I know how to demand they stop what they’re doing and they seem to be listening at least feeling like I’m the authority. Bety could sense I’m getting stronger.

This makes me feelreally empowered and hopeful. Something I’venever gotten all this time from any professionals except Megan yesterday. I’mcomited to working with Megan I think she’ll get a lot out of learning about all this if she’s open to it. Plus I know I have other resources for this problem.

So shout out to Bety and Lisa! You’re saving my life and sanity.

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Very good intake with Megan!

Hi everyone,

Really quickly cause I’m tired.

Megan’s was awesome. I clearly connected with her as someone truly passionate about the work that she does.

She has good instincts around comfort with being with people however they are in the moment. She’s worked at some solid mental health treatment places namely timberline knolls and the eating recovery center of Chicago. Running groups and interacting with clients with many different issues.

She seems centered in the way she feels about therapy.

She asked some great questions. Wanting to hear about the last nine months in detail. What lead up to it and just as much as I could remember and talk about.

She totally validated (her words were “it really sucks!” how not only did this happen but how professionals did or did not more like, help. She said it isn’t acceptable what they did no one responding in the face of all this except for the random hospitalization. But worse not a word to the new place I was moving to. Then new place literally takes my word for it that I have aspects of a very severe mental illness that isn’t even ruled out.

She was not happy! She was also not happy about the fact that I don’t really understand/ know why Dr. Cleary ruled out a dissociative disorder like how he came to that conclusion.

Because as we were talking about my so called parts” went through the usual anxiety and irritation over how I view all this versus how she and the psych view it. But this time she did not cut me off or try to get me to see it her way. She really did listen and take things I said seriously like that I believe these are external energetic forces or ghosts rather than anything to do with me. She did say perhaps we could find some sort of “middle ground” between me feeling 100% like it’s that versus feeling like it has to be parts if I don’t actually feel that way. That there has to be something in the middle though no one knows what.

She said she’s confident we can build a relationship where she can help me face this and become more present to my inner life.

I just want to keep doing what works. As it’s been so successful. Trying to engage or have others engage in any way with this just will reaffirm that they have some stake in this world, my world inner and outer. If they feel they can connect with others it brings the other person into their circle of using us energetically for their own needs and overall makes them stronger. Which is why I was not about to let her talk to them at all.

She is going to be talking with my mom about the fee this week. So I don’t have to worry at all about that.

She also has had everything signed for Clayton and does want to somehow get ahold of Dr. Cleary which I feel is very important.

She is also going to be contacting Lakeshia as well.

I’m very impressed with her professional connected style and genuine wish to support me through what is a very complicated situation.

I am to keep a therapy journal and put down if I sense/ hear any weirdness internally or someone says I’ve done or said something I have no clue about. For example right as we wereleaving the building I asked Jess to read some of the papers posted on a board on the wall. She read this Dr. Seuse quote there’s no one youer than you. Was walking down the stars next thing I knew I was outside. Apparently Honey came out because she liked the word Youer. Sigh.

Well it was surely a test. She wastesting if the boundaries still applied to this new environment which absolutely they do.

Another worry I had was sensing another state Jenni who hasn’t showed up in ages Jess says. She put a word that means a lot to her in my head randomly and it was scary because I hadn’t experienced that in a long time. However I quickly recovered and know I just need to be assertive with her like the others. It makes sense as others are leaving she’ll resurface. I don’t care how many of these little monsters I have to fight I now have the strength to do it.

This “middle ground” thing will be interesting. No idea how it will happen but she’s been the first to suggest such a thing when it should have been discussed from the beginning.

Am going to do a quick entry in the therapy journal write in my journal and go to bed. It’s been a very long day!

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quick pre therapy thoughts/ anxious day today

Hi everyone,

So ahh! Today’s the day! My hour and a half intake finally! Some kind of in depth evaluation for me. Hoping I can get some guidance here.

I really think I’ve made true headway in getting whatever this is out of my head in the last few weeks. Nothing from “them” since Sunday! But for sure need to process everything that’s happened up to this point and hopefully build more resources/ coping skills so this does not happen again.

If it’s something that might benefit me it would be nice to build a trusting safe therapeutic relationship with some attachment. Though that’s tricky both because it would mean processing a lot around the Jonathan stuff and I’ve also been told such attachments are not helpful for me as I’m “emotionally dependent.” For example that my relationships with past staff at Albany care never should have mattered to me as they did.

Right now I’m seeing the therapy more as a place to problem solve and get another perspective on things and time to work with someone in a way that can’t happen here at Clayton.

On top of all this unfortunately there are a lot of anxieties about today. First is the major construction that has happened out our window since moving in now will involve them turning the power off for the whole block today! From like ten til four. At least we have some warning but yeah! And at least Jess and I will be gone for most of it. Still when I heard stoplights would be off all I could imagine were car accidents particularly with either Jess and I in the car, or the ride coming to pick us up but getting in an accident right outside our door! They say there will be extra stop signs and someone directing traffic but so many people especially around here do not obey stopsigns or care much about anything except getting past everyone else on the road. From all the honking horns even without construction going.

Then it turns out that I’m on the list to see Dr. Cleary today. Very soon but likely due to having had a med change. He’ll probably want to know about how the buspar is doing. And how I’ve been doing generally. I will say the buspar has been helping it’s made me calmer about everything and been able to maintain my energy for longer stretches to fight this thing. And I think that’s accounted for a lot of success with it. I hope he’ll also be happy about how the staff has been more confident in working with me at least around the “acting as other people” behavior by not rewarding that behavior.

I do really really want Rob in there with e as he was last time. And am most worried that without power staff will only be able to communicate with walkie talkies or cell phones just hope he can be gotten ahold of.

Really wanted to skip out but they said we’d likely be home before he left and they really frown on you doing that.

Lastly! Jess will be having a sleep study. Her third I really hope she gets her apnia mask this time. But it will mean trying to get night meds without her. Sounds simple but staff can be just crazy forgetting everything they’re supposed to do. Getting me from upstairs to downstairs could be quite a production especially as they don’t even know how to do proper sighted guide though I’ve tried to show them. It would be best if I could just have my meds brought to me as they do for the unit on the same floor but don’t know if it will happen. We tried to talk to chris about it but at the time there was a crisis code going on and then someone pulled the fire alarm! So he basically said it would be fine but we know from experience communicating to all of nursing or between nursing and social services can be a huge challenge.

Really hoping I can get through all this in one piece! Will keep you posted.

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Nine months to the day: lots of progress being made/ finally getting therapy tomorrow!

Hi everyone,

So nine momnths to the day. Every month passing by I reflect on my progress or lack of. Still very happy but unsure of why it was the sensory and communication symptoms abruptly left in March. But it is a relief to say each month that they did not come back.

Also since coming to Clayton though I still was dealing with take overs they were never as bad as before that time and have since with the new approach here been less and less.

I understand more about what triggers me to go into these states though still have no idea why.

And a huge thing! I will be seeing Megan Frank at the awakening center tomorrow at 11 AM. I still can not believe after writing/ calling dozens of professionals and ones even that you’d espect would know about this say no with no hope of anything else coming along.

It was pure randomness that I finally came up on the intern waiting list. And even moreso after I wrote careful messages about the problem including the now very useful video evidence that Megan and her supervisor agreedto actually go forward with an intake. Obviously as it’s an intake no one is signing on for anything yet but just saying they’re more than willing to meet and see how things develop is something I have never experienced in the nine months of this upside down life.

I’m super anxious. I’m most afraid of her coming to the same conclusions others have: that no matter the label these are somehow parts of me I have to face and work with. I have made it clear from the outset t that I do not feel comfortable doing this on all levels. And that per the behavior plan here I’m able to successfiully live my life especially in situations with authority like staff to a point where I can be sure I will not be pushed out of reality at all.

That said she’ll be working with just Sam. Girl with a perfectly functioning sense of self plans relationships ETC who got spun off into some science fiction nightmare that is still very haunting.

There’s a whole lot I could process in therapy. A lot of which how all this went down from the beginning.

I do appreciate the internal family system approach of finding a centered place within you where you can calmly but with authority correct other aspects of the mind to be in line with a more peaceful existence.

Basically doing what I’ve been doing taking charge of my mind and all the spinning parts inside.

So I’m very optimistic.

Next however we heard that I will be seeing Dr. Clary again. Of course right at med time so couldn’t talk to Rob or Lakeshia. She is very stressed due to being the only caseworker on second floor for a couple weeks. And no evening coverage. But Rob is always good with things. With transportation being what it is we are hoping to be home by 2 pm. Often Clary is still there at the time. If so it will be great. I can tell him that the buspar has helped with general anxiety I’m calmer and more able to rationally get whatever this is out of my head without running out of energy so quickly. I will also mention Megan and whatever she has to say. I asked Rob the very important question of what if at some point Megan is considering a diagnosis only for the sake of getting better treatment. Would it have to be approved by Cleary? Things like that.

Wrote him tonight hoping for an answer in the morning or right when we get home. If needed I can skip for this week. Or Rob could pass on about the progress with meds. Not sure if regular meetings Tuesday would be good due to Cleary coming in on those days then again it’s usually once a month only. We’ll have to see it will all depend on the intake whether we choose to move forward or not.

I’m anxious but hopeful.

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Update: Seeing a therapy intern at the Awakening center

Hi everyone,

Wanted to do a quick update.

Last week I finally got chosen from the waiting list for interns at The Awakening center in Chicago. Which is very reputable and holistic. With various therapy models including DBT and internal family systems. They specialize most in eating disorders but cover a lot of stuff as well.

It was refreshing to be able to say to her that I do not have a dissociative disorder.

On one of the times I went missing “they” decided to make their own videos. Creepy as hell! Proves I would never make this up in a million years! First I was beyond embarrassed now I know this is actually good as it totally can be used against them. Once someone knows just what they’re about they’re able to first of all not be shocked/ taken off guard if it happens in person, and likely will have at least some idea of where to start.

I debated and wrote that debate to the intern that it might be biasing things if she got such details before meeting. However as I know how complex this case is I said it might be worth it in this case.

She wrote back sending please send them. I sent a video of my regular self from years ago. Then sent all their nonsense. And waited.

She wrote back the next day saying that she and her supervisor think we can move forward at least with the intake!

I am particularly excited about this intake as it will be a devoted hour and a half focused on what I’ve been living through the nightmare of the past nine months. So many issues many of them nothing to do with this freaky different personalities that have nothing to do with me thing. I did say and it has been working that through various communications staff here others around me and myself are making it absolutely clear they are not welcome in my mind ever. They need to leave and die.

And that no one wants to talk with them and myself Sam is the focus.

This seems to be working!

My hope for the intake is to have a chance to talk about everything with an objective person who from her linked in profile has had other experiences working with trauma and other things in residential even. Works at a place called eating recovery center in Chicago.

Anyway so she also has a very thoughtful supervisor. I will post the awakening center link at the end of this post.

I hope to have their take on things and how to best move forward. I am hoping that I can work as myself as I see myself and that these other things will be leaving or have lessened their grip as time goes by.

Oh and across the street is a dunkin doughnuts baskens robins! Will be hard not to stop off for smoothies every time LOL

Link

http://www.awakeningcenter.net/meet-the-staff.html

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last saturday with our amazing kitty

I’m sad tonight. It’s the last Saturday with Comit, our foster Kitty!

We got her in mid july. I was extremely! Skeptical that we could take care of a cat in the chaotic environmentI thought for sure she’d get out of the room and people would just totally scare her to death step on her just totally be nuts. That was always my fear at Albany. To the point I’d never recommend anyone with a service or guide dog move in I’d be afraid for the dog!

I was also afraid that staff would do their thing where something is ok then suddenly they have an issue with some little thing or all of a sudden decide some rule is in question and where would we be?

Mostly I was worried for Jess and I and how our collective mental health would do. She’d be the one cleaning feeding and doing all that care, but I’d be super anxious about how and when that was actually getting done and if she had a bad day if she could be ok taking care of her.

So I went into it very distant. This was Jess’s project. She said she really wanted to try this. I was so afraid that in these circumstances things would go wrong but that deep down she’d be great with a cat just wait til we move.

There are times when she actually gets more stubborn than me which is pretty amazing to see! This was one of them.

Well within a week or two I was officially in love. I’ve never had a female cat. She is so sweet. So happy just totally chillaxes. For the first couple weeks she had to stay in Jess’s room. But soon she wanted to explore. She would walk up and down the halls and for the most part people have been amazingly, for them, sensitive to her. Once there was a disturbance in the hall a code and rather than hiding she growled at them!

She is especially good with me as all animals seem to be. I know they know I’m blind. She has never ever scratched or bit me. She lets me pick her up though I’m sure it’s the wrong way. She lets me pet her pretty much whenever I want. And she loves coming over to my room to sleep. She’ll just come over and be out. Just like Lucky.

Sadly she’s been in foster care because they’re testing for Feline Lukemia. If anyone knows about this disease I would like to know more. A friend of mine who knows animals well said that it can be handled with meds and cats don’t die from it. But then Jess was told by shelter people that it is actually a lifelong condition. She did some reading but of course the internet is all over the board on everything.

I guess for one type there are meds for it to control symptoms. Another one there isn’t or something? And cats catch it from each other. So that’s why she had to be out of the shelter. That and she hates it there. She’s three years old. I’m not sure how long she’s been at the shelter or what her life was like before coming there. They said she’s a stray she’s extremely friendly and doesn’t show any behavior of a feral cat in the least!

So Tuesday she’s having a second test for it. If the test is negative she will stay and be put up for adoption. If it’s positive it will have to be sent to an outside lab to be confirmed. In which we’d keep her for the week or so that takes. Then I guess they’ll have to see what they’re going to do because she’ll then be a cat with medical needs.

Anyway wqe’re just taking a lot of videos and pictures. I’ll always remember her and how she’s helped me emotionally these past few months.

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Book Review: Wolf Speaker by Tamara Pierce

I just finished the second book in Pierce’s series following young mage Dayne.

In this book after having fought for the center of Tortal, she now has been called by the pack of wolves she bonded with when tragedy at home struck. She has a very special connection to these wolves in particular. And even though Numare entered her magic and put up a barrier between that and that of the animals, she still feels impulses to be one with them.

Learning how to cross that fine line between the mind of an animal and actually becoming one is something she explores in all her dealings with humans (which she and all others call two leggers, emortals such as the mysterious badger, stormwings, a basilisk, and coldfang). Her challenge is to bring all creatures together in a once naturally beautiful valley in Dunlath which is a part of tortal. The wolves called her to “stop the tree cutters.: I.E people were hunting and mining on the land and it wasn’t certain exactly why.

A huge player in the book is a ten year old girl named Mora, who is the sister of the power hungry Lady of Dunlath, and triston the d duke emperor who knows?

The king and queen of tortalare clearly not these people so don’t know what station these dunlath higher ups hold.

But these people are very greedy and power hungry. They will stop at nothing it turns out to overthrow the current rulers of Tortal.

Dayne Numare, all her animal and emortal friends and Mora must find a way to work together to solve the multilayered mystery of the valley seeming to be dying in all ways. This is a very long complex process and I don’t want to give anything away. But the book further shows Dayne’s progress in learning the magic of her own self and that of others and trying to move in and out of these worlds to the point that when in the mind of an animal she comes back to herself to find animal physical charastics. After learning she is not crazy and this could be a good thing, she purposely uses it in the battle to save Dunlath.

I believe e everyone will enjoy this book as much as the first.

likely my last post on my current mental health struggles for awhile exhausted and letting it go

Hi everyone,

So to the point. I’m exhausted frustrated and don’t want to deal with this anymore.

I’ve never wanted to deal with this, this whatever has been going on since December. And no I’m not making it up for attention, to get more attention from staff than I’m supposedly entitled to (though I think everyone needs way more care and concern around here than we get) to get anyone else’s sympathy, or to do anything like that. Not to hurt friends or make them feel a certain way.

None of that.

This stuff has no name. This psychiatrist have somehow thinks it’s “just parts of my personality and we all have parts,” making it sound like some benign identity crisis thing. Why he doesn’t get the “illness” part of this is some mental illness thing, where I’m crying frustrated and yelling about all this saying I needs meds therapy something? I don’t know.

Most psychs throw meds at people. Usually I’d hate that. About the time I get a sensible one it’s a time where I really need a diagnosis and meds fast go figure

So basically we’re on the opposite side of the fence here. He thinks this is some kinda identity development issue, which brings up images of people saying they need to find themselves.”

Putting it that way totally minimizes and actually leaves out the pain I’m going through every day the need to have answers and a healthy path with someone who iw open to all my emotions about this including denial about all this because it’s something that’s a nightmare and stopping my sense of stability in myself and going towards the future.

So each of us, psych and Rob supervisor could say “this is a personality development issue.”

I say “No for the millionth time! Stop saying that. I’ve told you that does not fit for me. This is what does. (my description of being invaded from outside in). Please consider that it might be related to that category of symptoms!”

Robert “ Everything is a process we need to see what unfolds. “

“No I’ve been at this fighting for my sense of self basically alone in my own head trying everything I know to try.

This debate could be the running discussion of each and every interaction with staff and could go on for months or years!

Because my experience does not fit any one category of narrow ways of defineing and treating issues, I’m put in some really vague area and told individual therapy to explore my “different identity parts” is what’s recommended. Of course any therapist I’ve reached out in the past has been afraid of my symptoms. I think staff here and Dr. are because they’ve likely never seen anything like this. I know they haven’t because the’re honest enough to admit it. They suck at pretending if you can read people right.

So all the outside professionals I’ve talked to have no clue. Had my third meeting with the intern. Keep in mind I’ve been very skeptical and defensive around therapistsprofessionals ever since the Jonathan betrayal. And then Sarah and Jessica telling me that “I have poor boundaries in relationships and my relationship with Jonathan or any staff should never get to the point where they matter to me.”

And just the exhausting rollercoaster of basically giving the same message a nonprofessional would give that wow this is frustrating best of luck I can’t help. Ormy cancelation list is a mile long.

That really leaves me with nothing in terms of any input on the professional end for attacking this thing with their weapons meds and specific treatment modalitys they can offer. So they’re lost in spite ofwords to the contrary, Emma this intern is not confident in herself and her abilities. Which makes sense because she’s never done counseling before. She volunteered at a homeless shelter and that is the most of her experience with people. She has an awkward vibe and I get the sense that she really struggles with small talk with residents jjust passing by and interacting it’s like she doesn’t know what to even say.

So I sat there and talked everything out. And she asked these really annoying questions with follow up responses like a textbook.

Why don’t I want to make friends beside Jess here?

The people here give me a lot of anxiety. I don’t trust them. One guy sexually harassed me people are shouting and arguing constantly, so crowded and unorganized are all activities.

She’s like what if we went down to the activity room and sat down there for five minutes and you could talk about how you feel being there?

I’m like no that would not work. My brain literally can’t handle all this stimulation.

Ok so trust is important in relationships?

Ya think?

As I describe residents with a “ya gotta know what I mean!” vibe like don’t you see the chaos?

She doesn’t seem shocked which I guess she has to be clinically cold but tuning into my strongfeelings would be one of many responses she could have taken.

So it went on and on for all these reasons why interacting with the majority of people here gives me annoyance and at the most high anxiety. So it would not help my situation.

I talked about the usual stuff in my head. And she just listening. She noticed me half crying in the pain of what has been the past months and knowing she has no skills to connect with me never mind face something like this together.

She said the usual we need to “explore over time” crap. Everyone says that as code for we are stretched to the limit here, we only have the resources just barely to have some minimal amount of listening and coping skills handed out to you. You’ll have to be ok with that.

So I just know no one knows. And I told her it seems not of benefit for me to sit with someone who I feel is not confident enough to deal with really many counseling issues but mine is unique and so far the licensed people have found no cause. And as I said I’m very defensive and not open to trusting therapists in how things have gone in the past months for me.

So I’m just done. The only good thing that came out of our team meeting was the understanding that if I talked or acted in any way that’s not Sam as people know me they are to demand I come into awareness and not engage with me in those states. At least “! The boundary thing for outside interactions makes life normal for me and those around me now. Because that was a huge anxiety for all. Hopefully with the door to the inside locked they will pry at the door inside and as timepasses the inside world will be so neutral and blank they’ll say well this is boring and maybe even scary to be treated this way. Might as well go invade someone else’s energetic system! I would never wish that on anyone but you get the point.

So hoping to have it fade away. Get so envolved in other things perhaps just as the communication stuff that plagued me since December left in March because I had so much else on mty mind.

It’s the last thing I know to try.

Just try to let it go and focus on the future. Knowing at least the outside world is blocked from these bad spirets or whatever which gives me some peace of mind.

Lastly I know I’ve hurt and angered many. I’m sorry for that. I want nothing more to be the cheerful loving supportive self that I know is always right under this thing. This will work. I refuse to accept anything like this inside my space so it will obey!

Not sure when I’ll write on this subject again. If something ground breaking comes up or I somehow shift to another perspective on the thing I’ll let you know.

Thanking readers. I hope none of you have experienced this confusing all out distressing pattern of symptoms that defy diagnosis. If you have please respond we both need connection on this terrible state to be in.

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Book Review: Glas by Ellen Hopkins

Glass is the sequel to Crank so recommend reading that first.

In Crank Christina, a completely well behaved straight a girl with “everything going for her” was told she would be going to a court ordered visit with her father. Where she was introduced to meth or crank or Ice or glass.

From that day on everything changed. She was 17 at the time so had to jump a lot of hurdles around sneaking out, lying to parents marginally keeping up with her old life.

At a wild meth induced party she is raped. And lthough she had been with another guy at the time she knows the rapest is her son’s father.

Now pregnant and unable to go through with abortion Christina faces her parents and tells everything.

Obviously it was a huge thing for them. But their love for their daughter prevailed and the family did as much as they couldto help her adjust to being a new young mom and try and gather some semblance of perfect Christina back.

I’m wondering if at the root of this is the pressure Christina was under to be perfect. Maybe no real connection to her stepfather. The family seems to lack emotional connection or warmth. Maybe she felt she needed to do this as a way to rebel against them but to also get everyone to feel something besides we live the perfect life let’s keep everything hush.

So she has her baby.

Glass.

Looking at Crank at least I as the reader felt empathy for Christina. This was sort of forced on her by her father. Opening up and talking about one’s feelings isn’t a strong point. Her mind did battle with her about what she knew was destructive. Things snowballed and took control of her very quickly.I can see how every choice shemade lead to that ending of having a baby. Who by the way was spared effects of drug use during pregnancy.

At the end of the book Christina seems solid in her determination to get clean and stay that way and that being a mother will override any bond/ pull from “the monster” as she calls Meth.

However beginning of Glas she says that while she feels this way, she’s wanting to “get just a little buzzed.” In order to bring some excitement back in her life. She was feeling literally like there was no fun in life and so often she did say tired of being a mom. Which really hurt to hear. She’d question throughout the book did she love hunter? Though she would say of course I do! By the end she was feeling like she couldn’t love anyone and could not raise a baby.

So she started out she could somehowdrug use in a positive way. Very quickly things pick up. She uses excuse after excuse for herself on how her problems aren’t her fault. She blames the meth her family even Hunter for what she’s doing. Even when she is supposed to be watching him while “crashing? Coming down from the buzz, and hunter rolls under a table and she doesn’t wake and her mom kicks her out. She never not once says OMG let me get some professional help!

That’s the one thing I think is missing with these books. She really should have put in something around some kind of treatment even if NA. Or support for young moms or some professional support.

Bu probably very accurate as the majority of teens may not reach out for help or stay with it and refuse to be told what to do by authority.

So she goes on staying with her BF’s meth dealer family and kids. Then long lost kids mom is on the scene. Is homeless for awhile.

Moves in with bf for awhile. They try to have hunter with them but on drug all day and night it’s a disaster.

When it gets to the point Christina is stealing and writing bad checks from her mom and selling their jewelry she honestly doesn’t care about life anymore. Meth has reduced her brain to this state.

It ends with Christina dealing with the results of her choices and down spiral” law enforcement and another baby!

Just wow is all I have to say.

I finish really with no compassion for Christina. It jujst seemed from the beginning it was all about her selfish desire about not feeling like she liked her new life that she chose, including her child! If it had been about covering up something like a mental illness I wouldn’t condone it but would understand saying I want to do this again in spite of my baby just to do it because life was more fun is no sense to me.

And another baby! Her parents already got custody of Hunter at tw years old.

I imagine they’ll be looking after Baby number two who Christina hopes is a girl. While Christina is facing her various hard core criminal actions.

There’s another book in this series called Falloutt. It covers christina’s children’s lives as teens and how her choices/ the life she brought them into have shaped them. Where some follow in similar footsteps some break the mold. Will be interesting ending to this very complex story of addiction but it seems no hope for recovery.

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